Poetry and More

What Else ...?

2012-01-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm pregnant I tell you and smile

You smile back, give me a chaste kiss,

and tell me you are happy.

It's what we wanted;

Our minds agree we have done the right thing.

Yet, when you suggested to me some months

before I graduated high school that

we should have a baby, I told you no.

But not long after graduation, I changed my mind.

So now I am expecting and looking forward

to the baby with me that I allowed you to create.

My mind is happy, and I continue to smile.

However, deep in my mind the answer of nothing

lies within; but the question to the answer,

I dare not ask myself now. Maybe NEVER ask myself!

Now that I have graduated high school with

no jobs prospects nor any more schooling desired,

I do not ask myself:

What else was there to do?

No, I am not.

2011-12-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

No I am not.
Yes, you are.

I am not!
But you have...

No, I cannot be.
enough symptoms...

stop! stop! stop!
to show you are.

I do not want to be.
I am here for you.

I really do not.
You are ok.

But I am.
A smile for you.

I am scared.
I care for you.

Yes, I am ok.
Hug you tight.

Tic Toc

2011-11-28T23:13:00.000-08:00

'Are you sure nothing will happen?'

'It has not so far, right?'

Tic Toc, Tic Toc, Tic Toc, the clock moves closer to midnight.

'This is so good to do it this way.'

'Yes it is.'

Tic Toc, Tic Toc, Tic Toc, the clock moves closer to the tell tolling.

'Risk makes it so much more better.'

'Yes, without risk, it is no fun.'

Tic Toc, Tic Toc, Tic Toc, the clock moves even closer to the bell tolling.

'Do you want to meet tonight?'

'Oh yes, of course'

Tic Toc, Tic Toc, Tic Toc, the clock moves still closer to the bell tolling.

'Let's do it while we have time together.'

'Always time for that.'

Tic Toc, Tic Toc, Tic Toc, the clock moves ever closer to the bell tolling.

'Nothing bad ever happens to us.'

'That is so true.'

Tic Toc, Tic Toc, Tic Toc, the bell finally tolls for those who think it never would.

My Mom, the Zombie

2011-10-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Her body lives on; Her memory has not.

She goes on her daily business, yet remembers no one.

She loves to see us and hear us; however, does she really remember us?

She has become a zombie - alive, yet not alive. Breathing in the air, but not remembering, the sweetness of it.

Feeling joy at the sound of a familiar voice, but the joy is quickly forgotten once the call is finished.

She kept getting worse over the years, and we could do nothing to stop it or even slow it. Her we watched getting worse and worse, becoming more and more a zombie. Till now she is one.

She wants to see me and asks each time when I talk to her. She forgets I have neither the time nor the money, and I do not mind her asking me.

Her requests though hurt me because she has a zombie's memory.

She will see me one day and then forget I was there.

Her heart though will remember I was there. For her love for those who love her still lives on in her heart unforgotten.

Leaving Stress Behind

2011-09-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

Stress is good to a point,

but at times it overwhelms me

and leaves me feeling isolated

and lonely and trapped.

Giving up is not in my vocabulary,

but the idea of it rattles in my head at times.

Nevertheless, no matter, how down my psyche is,

deep down, I struggle to come out of the isolation,

and despair, and break free into the warmth

of friendship and smiles and joy.

Questions

2011-08-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have so many unasked questions that I want to ask.

Sometimes, they are best left unsaid,

and sometimes, having said one, I am taken to task.

So some questions now are on my lips but dead.

Questions can be inquisitive, helpful, or simply kind.

I like to always to understand and learn,

for that improves and sharpens my mind.

And as I ask a question, another one starts to churn.

Are You OK?

2011-07-29T08:52:00.001-07:00

I know you survived the op intially,

but what about now?

Quiet you have remained since that one day,

a few days ago. Silence. Calls not answered nor returned.

Are you ok or did you take a turn for the worse?

I wish I knew. Knew how you were.

That's all I want to know. How are you?

And when can I hear your sweet voice again?

Or will I never hear it again?

Chapters Flowing

2011-06-28T22:29:00.001-07:00

A chapter is soon to close,

and another one will start.

Emotions are mixed:

happiness, fear, and nerves.

Wanting to move on, but have to wait.

Looking back on the risks that I have taken,

I smile and breath deep.

Focus on lowering my anxiety,

and make plans for the future.

Life goes on and I flow with it,

while steering a path for me.

The Call

2011-05-30T00:46:00.000-07:00

You called me and listened to me.

You told me I was sounding down.

I denied it and told you I was ok.

I went for a walk and realized you were right.

Took a deep breath, while walking and changed my dreams.

Changed them to happy ones.

You answered when I called you back.

I told you that you were right.

Your friendship gives me hope.

Change

2011-05-27T23:33:00.001-07:00

Change is coming.

I can see it looming on the horizon.

It scares me; I feel fear, coldness, and unsure.

I want to crawl into hole and feel safe, warm, and secure.

But holes only give the illusion of safety, warmth, and security.

I can only fit myself in there; not my friends.

My friends, who are they, and where are they?

I am in my hole alone, fearful, and insecure.

Change is coming; its hoofbeats are getting louder and louder.

I carefully stick my head out and decide on my next move.

Your Eyes

2011-04-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

I remember your eyes.

Your beautiful doe eyes.

I liked you and you liked me,

and your big, brown eyes are what

I remember of you.

Your smile reflected your inner beauty,

but not as much as your lovely doe eyes.

We wanted to be together,

but neither of us were ready for one,

so years have gone by, and we have gone our separate ways.

However, when I close my eyes, and think of you,

I remember your big, beautiful, lovely, brown eyes.

For a Change

2011-03-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

The sea is calming down after years of upheaval.

I am not sure if this will last or how long;

however, I will enjoy it while it lasts.

The waves bid me to come in,

but I simply watch them.

For a change, the sky is blue,

instead of dark and stormy.

I breath the clean air in,

and relax by watching the birds.

This Dream

2011-02-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

The end is in sight, and so soon I will achieve this dream.

Though I must not be lax and lose my focus.

But achieving dreams are scary for I will have to move on.

I do look forward to moving on, but the unknown awaits me.

Nevertheless, I shall not falter; I shall not lose faith.

Once I achieve this dream, I will set a new one to obtain.

No One with Me

2011-01-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wish you were here

to help me and comfort me

when I need them both.

But no one is here

and I do the best that I can.

I move on and remember

that good times,

but I do not live in the past;

I just enjoy it, and look forward

to days which are filled with sun

and maybe you too, but likely not.

Waiting

2010-12-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

I am waiting;

Waiting for information,

so I can move on.

When will it come?

I do not know.

I hope it comes soon,

and not in a few weeks,

or perhaps never.

In the meantime, I wait

and wait and wait.

Nothing else I can do,

so I look around

and do what I can.

while waiting.

Once I have the info,

I can breathe

and feel relaxed.

Until then,

I feel the walls

closed in around me.

My Goal

2010-11-29T22:16:00.000-08:00

Striving towards a goal,

but sometimes I feel so run down

that I want to quit.

And sometimes just give up

and be no more.

However, I will not quit

nor give up ever

for one day achieving my goal

is what keeps me going.

Safely Home

2010-10-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

I just want you safely home.

To walk off that plan unaided,

To hold me in your arms,

To hold our kids in your arms.

I want to hear your laugh

and see your smile.

To remember why I love you

and married you.

To hear you say, 'I love you."

So please stay safe

for the sake of me and our kids.

I love you.

Dishonor

2010-10-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

Why do you dishonor my brother

who is buried in the earth?

He is only in his grave in the ground.

He died by friendly fire,

and his life ended permanently.

He lives on in my heart, and my family's hearts.

However, he lives no where else.

No where else - for there is

no heaven, no hell, and no god.

Do not say he lives in heaven

for that is a lie.

A lie that he would not believe.

A lie that dishonors his memory.

Abandoned

2010-10-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Why did you abandon me?

I so wanted to see you;

to spend time with you,

and you were not there,

Not anywhere, no where.

I just wanted to be with you,

to have you hug me,

to play with me.

Yet, you were not there for me.

Why? Why abandon me?

I want, I demand an answer.

My questions gets no answer.

You are not here to reply

because you abandon me.

Was It Worth It?

2010-10-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hope, my friend, I see you

and appreciate you.

You have stuck by me,

while I wandered in darkness,

doubting myself, and feeling low.

But you stuck by me, and cheered me on

no matter how low I felt.

So I never gave up. Never.

I trudged through the depths of my soul,

and you were always there,

even when I did not see you;

Even when I rejected you;

Even when I did not want you around.

You stuck by me.

And now the question, "Was it worth it?"

has been answered with a simple reply

of I believe in me.

Moving On

2010-09-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

Moving on is not easy

when love is involved.

But I have to move on

and let us fade -

fade into the past.

I am sorry

How us has turned out.

But I am glad

for the time that I -

I had with you.

Thank you for

believing in me.

When I did not

believe in myself.

Thank You

2010-08-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Are you alive?

Are you not?

I do not know.

I want to know.

But no one knows, but you.

But if you are gone,

you had lived how wanted.

And I am happy you did.

You have taught me a lot,

but that is one lesson

that I will treasure

and keep with me

for the rest of my life.

The Pain

2010-07-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

Water appeared in your eyes.

Never rolling down your cheek,

but it was there.

I saw the pain in your eyes.

The pain that exists in your heart

and always will

Never completely disappearing,

no matter how much time heals you.

But I am here for you - to listen to you,

any time you want to talk of your pain

that wets your eyes.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

2010-06-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

Damn! Damn! Damn!

I did not want to hear it,

even though I would come one day.

So I feel angry and upset,

yet no one is there to be upset at.

You are my friend- a good one -

yet you are dying,

and I feel lost and adrift.

I want to lash out,

but Death feels nothing; it just takes.

Soon it will take you,

you who I care for because you

have helped me through my life's journey.

Hence, I will help you to the end.

I will carry you within me;

however, now, I feel like hitting back,

but only air is there to hit.

And Death will neither care nor not care;

it only comes to do its job.

A job which makes me upset and angry

because I care about you more than I want to admit.

I lack words to express how I feel -

how I feel about life's unfairness and you.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

Head, but not Heart

2010-06-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

I can love with my head,
but not with my heart.
As I grew, I learned to shut down-
-shut down my emotions and build-
-build a box tightly locked
around my heart.
A box to stuff the pain in
without letting it out.

One day while looking at the box
and wishing I could open it up,
I looked up and saw myself
as different people, different genders,
different personalities.

Some of us approach and learn
to blend with each other,
but others stand off.
I approach one, asking them
to blend with us, but they-
-they freeze at first at first,
then they run away.
I chase after them,
and they circle back and jump
into the box where I dare not follow.
I sit by the box and wait for them.

Dream

2010-05-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Dream the dreams of peace.

Dream so that you wake up refreshed.

Dream about ones you love.

Dream of happiness.

Dream to find your self-love.

Dream on and on and on.

Dream, happy dreams.

MY First

2010-04-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

You were my first.

My first whose eyes, I freely saw love.

My first whose smile I feely melted my resistance.

My first whose heart I freely gave my heart to.

My first whose lips I freely passionately kissed.

My first whose body I freely melded with.

You were my first -

my first-

regretfully.

Sob.

Sob.

Sob.

NO LAN is an Island

2010-04-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

NO LAN is an island;

Every LAN is a piece of the network,

a part of the whole;

If any hardware fails to work,

the network is the less;

any hardware's death busies me,

because I am involved with the network.

(With apologies to John Donne)

Heartache

2010-04-02T20:25:00.001-07:00

But the heartache never totally goes away.

Her body is gone,

but she lives in your heart,

Life for you goes on.

For her, it stopped, suddenly and tragically.

And you were left with pain and sadness.

She was buried

and you were had only memories of her

instead of her caring arms.

Instead you are left with life without her,

and a heartache that never goes away.

Blackness Again

2010-03-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

I am falling into the depths.

The depths that I face blindly.

For blindly is how I handle the fall.

The fall into the blackness of my mind.

My mind that at times sees black and only black.

But the black is a choice.

A choice I make.

A choice to unmake too at the crossroads.

At the crossroads of my soul, I move.

Move on into the light and leave the blackness behind.

I promise

2010-02-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

I promise to stay with you no matter how tired you are.

I promise to hold you while you weep

I promise your secrets to keep.

I promise to be here for you if you want

I promise you are no too deep for me.

I promise I will help you find a way out

I promise I will help you find the path again.

But will you promise me what I have promised you?

Tell Them

2010-01-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

Tell them how you feel.

Tell them that you love them.

Tell them that you want to be with them.

Tell them that you want to live with them.

Tell them of your dreams with them.

Tell them your fears.

Tell them of your nervousness.

Tell them how you feel,

and find out,

find out how they feel.

Another Year.

2009-12-24T18:21:00.000-08:00

Another year has almost come and gone.

So the start of a new dawn.

I wander down many a lonely path.

thinking of the years without wrath.

Looking for what I do not have.

Letting my frustration halve.

Looking forward to a new year

that will blossom with good cheer.

Doing Laundry

2009-11-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Doing laundry

is like having

unprotected sex.

You never quite know

till after it is done

how things come out.

My Other Child

2009-10-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

My other child wants.

He always wants.

Never thinks of me, only himself.

I give in to him

because it is easier

than fighting him,

with his whines of his needs.

What about my needs?

Unimportant he believes.

Unimportant unless he wants something.

He tells me I want food now;

Now, not not in an hour. NOW!

Sigh. I feed him to shut him up.

He tells me I want this place clean;

Yet he fails to clean up after himself,

and I get blamed for the mess.

I need help with our daughter;

I'm busy he replies.

Right...busy playing his latest game.

He is still on the game hours later

when I again ask for help with our daughter.

Snidely he tells me you're the one who got pregnant.

I bite my tongue and my reply die in my mouth:

You sure liked sticking it in,

but you sure hate to deal with what came out.

That night he comes up and pesters me for sex.

Too tired to argue, I agree.

On the bed I lie emotionless, and motionless

while he does me.

He finishes and asks me with a sneer on his face

have fun, did you?

My response is a sigh, get out of bed

and to close the bedroom door behind me.

I sleep on the couch in my office,

preparing to repeat the day again tomorrow.

I Hold You with Love

2009-10-25T08:48:00.001-07:00

I hold you with love.

I hold you with love because you deserve genuine love.

I hold you with love to show you that you can be honestly loved.

I hold you with love since I accept you for you.

I hold you with love for you have a good heart.

I hold you with love because you are lovely.

I hold you with love because I care about you.

I hold you with love because one day I want you to feel -

feel the same way about me.

My Way

2009-10-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

Going back to my mom, which is what I wanted.

I was saying my last good-byes to a special friend

who helped me get out of here.

Here where dad wanted me, and controlled me, or so he thought

for he had taught me well, and I learned well from the master.

He wanted me to to smile and be lady-like, so I did.

It made him happy.

Always I kept my front up even in front of my special friend,

except when we were alone in private.

He was so lonely, so desperate for someone;

He loved me, and I loved him for what I needed him for.

He was nervous at first, but I told him if he loved me,

he would do it my way, so he gave freely without care.

When he did, he saw a big smile for him on my face.

Eventually a chain reaction was set in motion.

The end result was that I was here,

going back to mom. I was happy.

Time to go; I say bye.

As I go to through security to my jet,

I wonder two things: if he has realized

that not everything I was carrying could be seen,

and also how long should I carry the unseen baggage.

The Meal

2009-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

The Meal

Tonight is the night that I will finally do it.

Finally sleep with my bf.

I feel nervous, happy, anxious.

A long time I have put him off, but no longer.

He comes over, and I make dinner for us.

Wash the dishes and sharp knives and put the in the rack.

My pretty pink rack that I will not change for him.

After dinner, he leads me to the couch where we make out

as the tv drones on in the background.

Finally it is time and he leads me to my bedroom.

He's been so patient with me;

waiting for me to say yes.

I love his patience; I never thought he would stay with me.

He takes his time and makes me feel good.

Eventually we come together and it feels good.

I am glad I waited for him..

I tell him he made me feel good.

He smiles and tells me has something to tell me.

I smile when he tells me that.

I dream of a ring on my finger.

He tells me that he's moving to Anchorage.

I say nothing. Wondering....wondering....

Will he ask me to go with him?

Instead he tells me that he do not want to be a father now.

I tell him I do not want to be a mother now.

I feel happy that he does not want to pressure me about having kids.

Then he tells me he did not use a condom.

I freeze. I feel fear, then scared, then anger

all the while wondering will this get me pregnant?

So, a plan forms in my mind.

I smile sweetly asking him if he is hungry.

He replies that he is, so I get up to make him another meal

and walk with him to the kitchen.

We go to the sink where he asks me what am I making.

Sweetly smiling, I tell him what I will make for him:

MC Pig's Rocky Mountain Oysters,

while reaching for the knife that I will use to get the oysters.

Our Friendship Is Short of Time

2009-10-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

I love to hear your voice, to listen to you talk.
Often after hanging up, I feel better.
And you tell me you feel the same.

I hope to meet you one day, but time is short.
Our friendship will not far off, be just a memory.
A memory in me, for life is short for you.

Much younger you are, but life's final chapter
is facing you squarely. No way to hide,
no way to avoid it. Sometimes, I cry inside.

I would love to meet you and see your smile,
then give you a great big hug, and then
get one of each from you.

We have talked about meeting, but money,
like our time of friendship, is short.
Therefore, we strive to enjoy what we have.

Hence, we want to enjoy our friendship,
so I will listen to you and help you,
as you will listen to me and help me.

You are and have been a great friend,
even though our friendship has not been long.
But it has been good for me and you.

Yet even though our friendship is short of time
here on earth, you will continue to live
in my heart, so our friendship will go on.

What Should I Keep?

2009-09-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have traveled long, and I am weary.
I come to a bridge that I must cross,
but the bridge guard bids me to halt.
"If you want to cross the bridge,
you must give up everything,
but one thing", the guard says.

"But what if I want to keep more", I ask.
Only one thing is the reply.
I feel sad that I will have to give up
the possessions that I treasure.

Maybe I will not make a decision,
but instead just outwait the guard.
Then I reflect on the bones that I saw
of those who just sit and sit,
awaiting the external guard to leave.

I sigh and reflect on What should I keep?
Hmmm...my computer, which is used a lot.
Or maybe my cell phone, which I am glad to have.
How about my favorite book that I love to reread,
or maybe my favorite pink that I won.

Hmm...what about a gun with a bullet or maybe a rope.

However, I reflect some more and realize
that those are mere possessions.

That maybe who and not what is important.
So I reflect on my family, my parents and sibs.
Then I reflect on my long separated spouse,
who I still love from afar.

Who should I choose and why?

Would it be fair to pick only one person

and leave the others behind.

As I ponder who or maybe what, I look around.

Some just sitting there with forlorn looks.

I see some who cross sadly;

an occasional person crosses contently.

"Why are they so content?"

The thought circles around in my head.

I get up and walk around and sit back down.

All the while reflecting on "What should I keep?"

At long last, a decision comes that makes me smile.

I tell the guard, who smiles at my decision.

I cross the bridge happily with my one possession.

A possession that I can never lose,

unless I lose it. Even then, I can still get it back.

It will never die nor run away for it is mine.

From this springs all that I had and will have again.

I feel so happy for I kept hope.

Towards the Light

2009-09-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

Out, out of the tunnel
and in the light.

It feels strange
not being in the dark.

The darkness was my security;
its hopelessness was my friend.

But as friends go,
it was fickle.

It wanted what it wanted,
and gave nothing back really.

Like an energy-vampire, it drained me,
and then complained there was nothing left.

However, no matter how dark it was
I believed there was light ahead.

So onward my legs went.
Sometimes slow; sometimes fast.

They went forward in the direction
of the light to the end of the darkness.

My fickle friend was scared,
and its fear scared me.

Yet neither its fear
nor my fear stopped me.

Reality?

2009-09-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

Things are not the same,
yet they are.

Sometimes dizziness is sanity -
spin around and around.

Pull inward.
Pull outward.

Focus on reality,
but what is reality.

Reality as it was
is not reality as it is.

To be happy in reality,
hope must exist inside of it.

Hope springs eternal,
so how deep is its well?

Sameness, diziness, in and out,
Focus reality, and hope.

They exist at the same time -
inside, competing, fighting, and directionless.

Direction, which way?
Just go, it does not matter.

Risk

2009-09-12T03:51:00.000-07:00

Alone, yet not.
People around me, yet no one to talk to.
Isolated in a box that no one can see
nor I know how to open.

Silent screams echo in my head,
reverberating constantly.
No one hears them; not even I.

Starting anew this is to expected.
The old life was safe and secure,
but it was a dead end.

Risk taking is hard and not always rewarding;
however, without risk, life is boring and dull.
Riskless life becomes an ever darkening black.

Because of a change, new doors open,
and old ones close.
At times, the old ones may be wished upon;
nevertheless, they are better off closed.

A whiteness appears as new doors open
and excitement and joy live again.
Wonderment over what will come,
and what will be.

For new doors are best opened slowly
and the newness appreciated,
so the past can be remembered
while risks are taken.

Why?

2009-09-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

You always follow me.

Why?

You haunt my dreams.

Why?

You scare me.

Why? Why? Why?

Do you do them to me?

Why do I want you
and embrace you?

Why do I want to have you
envelope me?

Why will I do anything for you
for your deadly loving embrace?

It is because I love you.

Why?

Good Friend

2009-08-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Went out of town today.

Took 2 hours by train.

Had dinner and a movie.

Was nice and relaxing.

Then two hours back.

So happy to go out of town,

and spend time with friend

who lives 200 meters from me.

Right for you

2009-07-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

Life for you has now become a mixture of moving on and grieving.

Every day will be different:

on how much you need to move on,

and on how much you need to grieve.

On some days the former will be more important,

and on other days the latter will be more important.

Just grieve and move on in amounts – big and small

that are right for you - for you and your kids.

Respect

2009-06-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

I get it from my friends who I dearly love.

I get it from colleagues who I work with.

I get it from the small store owners where I shop.

I get it from the staff where I work.

I get it from strangers who I help.

I get it from the lower level management where I work

I get it from strangers who help me.

So why cannot I get from the higher management where I work?

On Top of the Flue (Revised)

2009-05-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Clover and I climbed the flue
because i was feeling blue.

When Clover and I got to the top,
I yelled yoohoo.

Then I heard the cop
who was next to my pop

tell me not to jump,
so I sat on my rump.

When Elsie bellowed moo.
and i wondered oooooo;

how to get this bovine
off this chimney of mine.

Life and Doors

2009-05-22T02:01:00.001-07:00

You can't long for the past, for what could have been.

Those doors are closed. Never to be open again.

Nor yearn for a future whose doors will never open.

Nor live only in the present whose doors are open.

To live in the present without reflecting upon the past

means that one will repeat one's mistakes.

If one does not learn from the path through the doors,

then happiness will never be behind the next door.

To live in the present without contemplating upon the future

means that one will be go through doors aimlessly.

If one is aimless, then one has no path to follow,

then happiness will never be behind the next door.

If one lives in the present, but reflects upon one's past

and learns from them, and one contemplates one's future,

and sets goals to work toward so the future is not blank,

then behind the doors some day, happiness will be there.

Life

2009-04-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Life goes on for better and for worse.

Live goes on through happiness and sorrow.

Life goes on through hills and valleys.

Life goes on forward out of the past

Life goes on to remember the past joys.

Life goes on to make new smiles.

Life goes on and so should you.

Cheer for a Journalism Student

2009-03-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

go leanna go;

she's our writer;

a real deadline nailbiter;

she gets it done;

then goes out to have fun;

go leanna go.

No Poem

2009-02-28T21:53:00.001-08:00

End of the month and no poem
because I chose to roam.

Away from all
I had a ball.

Now back to the grind
I hope I can keep sane my mind.

Answers

2009-01-18T15:43:00.000-08:00

I want answers; I want answers; I want answers

to questions that will never be asked,

nor would I know the truth, if answers came.

For if answers came, would they be the truth,

or just words spoken to calm my mind.

Would words just spoken calm my mind;

or would they just make me wonder,

if what I was hearing was the truth?

I want answers; I want answers; I want answers,

or do I?

Moving On

2008-12-20T05:15:00.000-08:00

It's not so easy to move on.

Sometimes I want to not face myself.

Then, at times, I want to go back.

Go back to undo the past.

At other times, the future is the key.

Either way, past or present, I am running -

running from me, away from me -

running away from reality.

Then slowly, surely, I face myself -

not alone this time.

I appreciate my friends -

who get me to live again -

live in the present -

where reality is.

Moving on is not easy -

but with my friends help -

self-acceptance is moving on within me.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

2008-11-14T04:36:00.000-08:00

For being my friend. :)

You have helped me so much to be myself

and not what I thought I was.

I care for you so much

hugs, hugs, hugs.

My life is so much better

because of you my friend.

You have made me happier and wiser.

I am flying so high now,

I can see you in the distance.

Wishing we can one day

spend some time alone

maybe just talking and hugging,

maybe more.

But whatever happens or not,

I still would whisper in your ear:

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Shapeless Fear

2008-10-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder while living with my fear.

Fear which is not known.

Fear which has no shape or form.

Nothing tangible.

Tangible is good - even if it is bad.

Then I could move on.

Move on to whatever awaits.

I can do no more.

What is it?

2008-10-29T04:47:00.000-07:00

All better after a couple of weeks.

Then three weeks later, it is back.

Or is it?

Is it something else?

Is it what I fear?

Is it nothing to fear?

Or is it everything I fear?

What I don't know is the biggest fear.

Forward

2008-10-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

In limbo, waiting for things to happen;

but they don't, so I wait and wait.

Then I take action to move them forward.

As I take action, I feel overwhelmed, scared.

However, I do take it.

I will not let myself be held hostage by my fears.

It's so easy and natural to be let myself hold myself hostage.

This once I will not fall into that trap.

That trap of spiraling into my head deeper and deeper.

Losing connection to what is possible and even to reality itself.

Instead I have learned to have faith in myself,

and to move forward one step at a time.

It matters not how fast or how slow I move forward.

It only matters that I move forward.

Giving Up is Not So Easy

2008-10-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

by Ashish

There was a Jack ,
Discriminated like a black ,
He knew no what he lacked ,
But he did'nt try to fight back.

But later he knew ,
Something brand new ,
That the morning dew ,
Was meant for only a few..

He Discovered at last ,
That he was losing his grip fast ,
the sea of problems was vast ,
And he felt like an outcast.

Things were the same ,
He did not feel sane ,
knew that he was going insane ,
but he did not feel the pain.

He felt so numb ,
He thought he was dumb ,
he couldnt speak nor say ,
and Suicide was the only way.

He had nothing to lose , Nothing to gain,
For everyone else it was a mere game ,
He knew for sure that the things were the same ,
And also he was insane .

He never wished mediocrity ,
Always had wanted aristocracy ,
He opened his eyes to see ,
Only to find that he was amidst the sea.

His dreams were big , ambitions passionate ,
He knew that this was his fate ,
It was not or it would be too late ,
He dived in the sea , Wishing to be at the heaven gate ,
But darn his fortune ...He landed on a floating crate...

Having Fun, Then ....

2008-09-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

I thought about you the other day, my online friend.

Wondered why I hadn't heard seen you in a while,

and hoped all was ok with you.

I was with friends having fun, enjoying the chat going on.

Then in a nearby conversation, I heard your name.

I was having fun, then heard you had died of a stroke, maybe.

You were young, under 30.

I had no idea what you looked like, and didn't really care.

It was nice just to chat with you, to share stories, lives, and ideas.

After getting home, I facebooked you, so now I know what you look like,

who your friends are, who cared about you besides me.

But what you looked like don't matter.

For what I miss is your heart.

Forgot

2008-09-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

I taught two classes,

but I forgot my glasses.

I could not see

if I had students,

or it was just me.

Phobia

2008-09-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

I want to move forward,

so plans I make.

The first step of my plan awaits.

My phobia comes around,

filling me with fear and dread.

I stop, I go nowhere.

Friends listen to me,

and support me.

Step one is accomplished.

Making Plans

2008-08-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

Been drifting for so long,

Wondering where I am going

and what I am doing.

At last some clarity comes,

which gives me hope.

I focus on what I want to do

Wondering if it is right.

But what I will do is this:

I will follow my heart.

A Privilege

2008-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

It was a privilege to know you.

It was a privilege to grow beside you.

It was a privilege to look up to you.

However, now you are gone.

Gone too early before I have finished growing.

You shared your knowledge of life with me.

I looked up to you for guidance, and you were always there.

Now I feel alone, adrift without you.

But I give not up on life.

I go on with life with you only in my heart instead of also beside me.

I Still Remember You

2008-07-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

I Still Remember You

Even after all these years,

I still remember you.

You were my friend

when I had hardly any.

I wonder about your life

what would you have become.

But you never had the chance.

I still miss you at times.

I have dreamed of seeing your mom

and telling her, I still remember you.

I Wine

2008-07-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

I prefer wine with friends.

Red, white, or rose is fine.

Only a glass or two are all I can have.

For if I have more, an h is added to my wine.

And then it is just me.

Thank you

2008-07-07T03:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do care about you.

I always will.

However, separate lives we must lead.

And that will be ok.

You have taught me a lot.

And I thank you for it.

My life will be better off for having been with you.

But separate ways we must go.

With memories of you in my heart,

I go off to my future, and for you,

I wish you the best with whatever you do.

The Fork

2008-06-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

We have come to a fork.

We have been there for a long time.

We talk about our options.

Which path to choose: the left or the right?

We reflect.

We talk some more.

We decide.

You go on the path to the right.

I go on the path to the left.

Whose Fault?

2008-06-18T01:15:00.000-07:00

It was you fault.

No, it wasn't.

So it was my fault?

No, it wasn't.

So whose fault was it?

No one's fault.

Things happen.

No one to blame.

No one to punish.

Just move on.

It's no one fault.

Blank Mind

2008-06-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

My mind is blank.

Thoughts move like a one tread tank.

Thinking of what to do,

yet I have no clue.

Formulate words I try

but only get a sigh.

My mind just wants to roam

as I write this poem

You

2008-05-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

We will always be apart,

but you will live on in my heart.

I'm glad you came into my life,

and soothed some of my internal strife.

Now, I feel blue;

however, I will never forget you.

Even Though

2008-05-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

Even though I love you,

I had to say good-bye to you.

Even though I love you,

I had to tell you.

Even though I love you,

I told you because

I didn't want to live a lie,

nor be unfaithful to you.

Even though I love you,

and told you, I would still give up

my life for you.

Even though I love you,

and will not be with you,

you will always be in my heart.

Planting Love

2008-05-23T04:26:00.000-07:00

Plant a seed,

check the depth, the dirt, the moisture, and the sun.

Give it loving attention, and water it.

Water it enough, but not too much.

Pay attention to how it is doing.

Nuture it carefully,

and one day, it will bloom.

Love is the seed's name.

I Wanted....

2008-05-22T01:27:00.000-07:00

I wanted to be with you.

I wanted to be with you,

but you said no.

Stay where you are, you told me.

So I stayed, apart from you.

And now I feel this question,

burning inside me:

Why should I stay with you?

Moving On

2008-05-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

Moving on.

Life goes on through the good and the bad.

Ruts come up and I go no where,

but one day, I move on.

I wonder how I get ahead sometimes.

I have come so far from such a hard place.

Life is better now, not perfect, nor will it ever be,

but it is better.

Smiles and jokes abound, and so does love.

All because I have moved on,

and continue moving on.

Your Hugs

2008-05-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your friendship.

Unexpectedly ran into you.

We talked about general things.

We talked of the sadness affecting our lives.

It through us both off.

I was unsure of what to do.

I was feeling so disconnected.

Then I talked to you.

I felt better.

But your hugs really made me feel I was ok.

They made me feel not alone.

They made me feel I would survive.

They made me feel I wanted to go on.

They brought a smile to my face.

Thank you for your friendship.

Life is So Precious

2008-05-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

Life is so precious,

but how often do we take it for granted.

Life is so precious,

but how often do we go blithely along merrily.

Life is so precious,

but how often do we block out the bad.

Life is so precious,

but how often do we take our blinders off.

Life is so precious,

but how often do we hit reality.

Life is so precious,

but how often do we really face reality.

Life is so precious,

so live each day as it is your last.

Life is so precious,

so tell those you love that you love them.

Life is so precious,

so stop and appreciate what you have.

Life is so precious,

so learn to accept and not regret.

Life is precious,

so be thankful for good friends.

Life is so precious,

so reach out for them in times of need.

Life is so precious,

so hold them in times of their needs.

Life is so precious,

so through the good and bad be thankful to be alive.

Life is so precious,

so treat life as precious as a newborn baby.

I'm So Sorry

2008-05-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

Dreams and hopes for the future

are suddenly dashed.

You had him and raised him right.

You did all the right things,

but something happened.

And you are left with questions,

but no real answers.

Tears down my face;

I cry for him; I cry for you.

Nothing I can do will erase your pain,

though I wish I could.

I wish I could turn back time.

I know you would trade places with him,

if you could and so would I.

I’m sorry seems, so hollow,

but it is the best I can do.

So I will end with those words

as tears stream down my face.

I’m sorry. I ‘m so sorry.

No More

2008-05-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

The season of joy is arriving.
You will see him,
spend time with him,
laugh with him,
smile with him
and create memories with him.

Then suddenly you won't.
He is gone
from your presence.
No more will you see him,
nor spend time with him,
nor laugh with him,
nor smile with him,
nor create memories with him.

Others tell you he is in a better place
but that does not lessen your pain
for no more will you see him
nor touch him, nor hug him,
nor feel his warmth, and nor his caring,
nor comfort nor be comforted by him.

You are only left with a question:
Why? Why you my son?
For which there is no answer.
Only knowing you will see him,
touch him, hug him,
feel his warmth and caring,
and feel his comfort and be comforted by him
no more.

It

2008-05-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

Scary, Marvelous,

Frightful, Delightful.

Which way am I going?

I want to control it,

but never can I.

And it controls me not.

It just flows;

Why can’t I?

Life’s Path

2008-05-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

I want to walk life’s path with you
through the roses and the thorns
because I love you.

Walking life’s path with you
at my side will be so much
more colorful and scented.

The roses will smell sweeter
with you at my side;
The thorns will hurt much less
with you at my side.

I want to make this journey,
only if you are willing to walk
with me at my side.

Are you?

It

2008-05-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

Scary, Marvelous,

Frightful, Delightful.

Which way am I going?

I want to control it,

but never can I.

And it controls me not.

It just flows;

Why can’t I?

Five Little Piggies

2008-05-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

Five little piggies went to market.

The first little piggy bought some marijuana.

The second little piggy bought some downers.

The third little piggy bought some uppers.

The fourth little piggy bought some heroin.

The fifth little piggy was a narc.

Hope

2008-05-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

Separation.

The phone rings.

Your voice.

I hear your voice.

After so long,

I am sure that you love me.

Tortured by self-doubt.

Wondering if love existed between us.

And wondered if we should go our separate ways.

Now hope exist that we can make it together.

Hope that lives inside me instead of torturous self-doubt.

Hope of us and not just me.

Denial

2008-05-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

“Girlfriend, can we talk?.”

“Sure. About what?”

“I think you're in denial.”

“I don't think so.”

“Have you taken a test yet?”

“Ummmm.... No, not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Just too much going on.”

“Well, when can you take the test?”

“I don't know. Just too much going on now.”

“Are you free now for a bit?”

“Yeah for now I am.”

“Then take the test now.”

“I don't feel like it. Maybe later”

“Do you think you are?”

“Maybe, I'm not sure.”

“How many symptoms you have on this list?”

“Almost all of them.”

“Almost all of them, and you think you might be?”

“So how are you doing, girlfriend?”

The Accuser of my Tattered Soul

2008-05-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

From me, you ripped my soul.

My soul is in tatters because of your desires

Desires of yours, selfish ones, took my sense of self away.

Away, I drift in the wind with my pain.

Pain that I do not want to face.

Face is something I do, but deny.

Deny, I am in pain and hurt.

Hurt is what I feel.

Feel with no feeling what I do.

Do what to do?

Do I want to go on?

On to face my pain and anger.

Anger that I bury.

Bury my anger at you is what I do, but why?

Why do I bury my anger at you who wronged me?

Me the victim has become the accuser of me.

Me, the accuser is myself.

Myself did wrong, and I cry for my mistakes.

Mistakes that never happened.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

2008-05-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

I love you.

You are so nice to me.

You treat me so well.

I can't wait till we meet again.

Tick tock, tick tock.

I love you.

Where are you?

I miss you.

I need you.

Tick tock, tick tock.

Do you love me?

Please talk to me.

I want to hear your voice.

I want to be reassured.

Tick tock, tick tock.

In my head, I feel your love.

It makes me feel good.

In my heart, I feel nothing.

Do I still love you?

Tick tock, tick tock.

The Ten Needs of Love

2008-05-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

01) To flourish, love needs togetherness.

02) To flourish, love needs patience.

03) To flourish, love needs forgiveness.

04) To flourish, love needs understanding.

05) To flourish, love needs listening.

06) To flourish, love needs smiles.

07) To flourish, love needs laughter.

08) To flourish, love needs kindness.

09) To flourish, love needs acceptance.

10) To flourish, love needs compromise.

Clickity Clack, Clickity Clack.

2008-05-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

I send you words.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

You send me words back.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We exchange names, ages, and more.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

Over time our feelings develop.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

Our love grows.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We talk of hugging, kissing, and more.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We desire to see each other.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We so love each other.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We want to hold each other.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We want to feel each other skin-to-skin.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We want nothing in-between us ever.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We love one another.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

There is nothing to fear.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We only want skin-to-skin.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We want to share our love.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We talk of marriage and kids.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We talk of growing old together.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We say bye for now.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We sign off.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

And we wonder about each other.

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

We wonder: 'What are you really like?'

Clickity clack, clickity clack.

I am a Person

2008-05-02T01:53:00.000-07:00

I am a person who has feelings.

I am more than a body to be used for your amusement.

Why can't you see me for who I am,

and not who you want me to be?

I am a person who has desires

I am not a soulless robot.

Why can't you make me feel desire for you,

and not just feel you in me?

I am a person who wants to be respected -

not treated like something to be thrown away.

Why can't you respect me

and my decision to say no?

I am a person who wants to be loved -

to be loved and cared for.

All I ask of you is this:

Why don't you treat me like a person?

Sharing

2008-05-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

You pause while talking

to catch your breath

and to steady your emotions.

Talking unreleases pain

and threatens to overwhelm you;

you are not sure what to do.

Between us, pain fills the silence;

logically, I understand you,

yet emotionally, not really.

Silence is our friend

that connects us now;

without it, we would be strangers.

Yet friendship comes not easily

to either you or me,

so we enjoy what we have.

Easily we talk to one another

and share our lives, our pain,

finding joy where none existed before.

Worries

2008-04-30T06:26:00.001-07:00

You who I love.

Why don't you talk to me?

I so miss your voice

and your sexy smile.

I worry you don't love me;

that you have dumped me.

I can't sleep;

I can't eat.

I feel so blue,

and why are you not here?

Then I see you

and your sexy smile.

At last, I hear your voice

and you explain your absence.

I believe you

and feel reassured that you still love me.

Loving You

2008-04-29T08:45:00.001-07:00

I didn't plan on loving you,

but I did fall in love with you.

I just started talking to you.

It was nice.

I enjoyed our chats

and your listening to me.

Your gentleness was a nice change

and you treated me so nice.

Over time that became love,

A love I had never experienced before.

It was thrilling and exciting;

it was beautiful.

Then it went beyond the emotional

and became physical.

I never knew that the physical

could feel so nice.

Our love continued,

and remained beautiful.

But one day, that fateful day,

you cut me out of your life.

I love you so much,

I gave you my body.

Now, you just ignore me,

and I am without you.

But I wonder alone,

if I am carrying a part of you.

Differing Views

2008-04-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

“What?! You can't be serious.”

“I am serious.”

“You'll get in trouble”

“No, I won't.”

“Yes, you will.”

“I won't get in trouble.”

“But you and your bf have unprotected sex.”

“That what we choose to do.”

“But you're going to get in trouble.”

“No, I love him.”

“But you're not being smart.”

“I'm doing the right thing.”

“You need to listen to me.”

“I appreciate your friendship.”

“I wish I could change your mind.”

“You can't.”

“I'm scared for you.”

“I'm happy for me.”

“I love you, girlfriend.”

“I love you too, girlfriend.”

Trudging Forward

2008-04-27T07:10:00.000-07:00

Trudging through the dark

which surrounds me.

I see nothing but black

as I continue to move forward.

I feel hopeless at times

and wonder if I should give up.

But that is not me,

so I trudge forward.

Looking for a sign

any sign of hope.

However, not appears

as I move forward.

Despair is my friend;

it calls on me to give up.

I trudge on

listening to its siren song.

No wax to plug my ears,

my mind numbs.

I trudge forward,

listening to despair call my name.

I ignore my friend,

and I smile at last.

Within my sight is a dawn;

I trudge forward to it and smile.

Fading

2008-04-26T04:12:00.000-07:00

I feel my love for you fading.

I don’t want it to go away.

But it is.

I wonder if we are truly compatible.

I see our differences much more than our similarities.

I am so focused on me.

But without you here, how can I focus on us?

Lifes' Paths

2008-04-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Lifes' paths we have decided to travel together,

yet we travel it separately.

I am tired of that happening.

Now we have a chance to travel it together.

Will you travel it with me?

or will we travel it separately?

As I wait for your reply,

I see our lifes’ paths drifting apart.

And I wonder will they ever meet?

What Choice Did I Have?

2008-04-24T03:48:00.000-07:00

Me: Sure, if you use a condom.
(I have a choice.)

Him: Do I have to?
(He lightly caresses me with his hands.)

Me: NO, NO, NO, NO. I won't do it without one.
(I pull back.)

Him: Why not? Don't you love me?
(He reaches for my hand unsuccessfully.)

Me: NO, NO, NO. Yes, I love you, but I still want you to use one.
(The real reason why is left unsaid.)

Him: No, you don't really love me.
(He looks at me with a sad face.)

Me: I do love you.
(I don't like him feeling sad.)

Him: We have done it before without one.
(He smiles at me.)

Me: NO, NO. That was then.
(I love his smile.)

Him: Come on baby.
(He approaches me.)

Me: NO. I wish you'd use a condom.
(But I know he doesn't want to.)

Him: You love me you know.
(He wraps himself around me holding me tight against him.)

Me: I do love you.
(I hold him back to be nice.)

Him: Please baby do it for us.
(He kisses and caresses me.)

Me: Ummm....I don't know.
(I don't want to disappoint him.)

Him: Show me you love me.
(He pushes my buttons without me being aware.)

Me: Well... umm...
(I don't really want to, but ...)

Him: That's my girl.
(He undresses me and I him.)

Me: You are so good.
(I say this as he is inside of me.)

Him: I love you.
(He is happy; I'm glad one of us is.)

Me: Do you really love me?
(I can feel it is too late for me now.)

Him: I will always love you.
(He looks so relaxed and happy.)

Me: Me too.
(I sigh with sadness tinged with regret.)

Him: Is was good wasn't it?
(He doesn't want to hear no.)

Me: Yes, it was.
(Soon, inside my body, two cells will multiply and divide after becoming one.)

Him: Glad you like it.
(He smiles a big smile.)

Me: Yes, I did.
(But what choice did I have?)

What Fork?

2008-04-23T04:39:00.000-07:00

We are at a fork in the road;

What way shall we go;

Shall we go together?

Shall we go separately?

We need to talk,

yet we hardly do.

Forks require communication;

however, silence is what I hear.

Silence is not what I want,

so I wait to hear your voice.

Before I or we move on,

I wait for your voice.

Once I hear it

and you hear mine,

we will know what fork

is ours to take.

Together, Yet Apart

2008-04-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

I love you
I love you so much
Yet we are constantly apart
I want us to be together
to build on our love, our trust,
our faith, our lives
but we can hardly be together

I want us to put mortar in our lives
so we can build a life together
instead of apart with weakening mortar?