Be Me

 Dad

I got to quit carrying you.

You failed in so many ways.

You could never be there for me.

  I wanted you to be there for me,

but you never could. 

I need to accept that and go forward.

You never tried to meet me where I needed to be met.

You wanted to me to you at where you wanted me to meet you.

I am still trying to meet you there, even though, you passed years ago.

I need to go forward on my own without carrying you.

Put you on the side of the road, little by little.

Walk with my shoulders and head high, 

looking forward to the future with you behind me.

I can do it.

I will do it.

I can be me. 

Be what I want to be,

who I want to be.

 

Scared

 Scared: 

I am so scared.

Scared of change.

Scared of the unknown. 

I want to control.

I wish to change life to how I want it.

But life does not work like that.

We have to bend.

We have to change directions.

Lose things we want at times.

 Lose things we have at times.

Life is about change.

Adapting to change.

Moving on and not giving up.

It is so hard at times.

But life is ok.

As long as the moving on continues.

 

One Step

 Resilience keeps me going;

however, fatigue sets in.

I do not want to give up,

yet I do not move forward.

It's ok if I am.

I need to keep going even step.

And the next comes a day or a week later.

Moving on no matter how slow is good.

Going to fast is not good as too much I miss.

I am ok.  

Breathe deep.

Remember to give myself a hug.

Then move on one step at a time. 

The Crumbling Dam

 Water is pushing against the dam.

A dam that I built to protect myself.

However, it is now starting to crack.

I want to patch up the dam.

Make it like it was.

But the water composed of my emotions is relentless.

It is slowly undermining the dam.

Once it breaks, I will be better off,

Then my emotions can flow, instead of being held back.

Held back and ignored like I was taught to do.

The lake behind the dam does not exist.

But it does.

I need not fear the crumbling of the dam.

I should embrace it.

I should feel the water flow.

I should feel my emotions.

Then I can learn to accept who I am.

Believe?

 

Feels as if I am always wrong.

Always wrong.

But I am not, but I believe it.

Even though it is not true.

Is it because of my disability, my growing up, something else, or a combination of them?

I do not know.

I wish is did.

I just want to feel ok.

 To feel that; to feel ok and believe it.

Why is that so hard to do?

I just want to believe in me.

That's all.

Boundaries

 Boundaries are to protect oneself.

Yet I have so much problem setting them.

And that is ok.

What is important though is to learn to set them.

To make mistakes and. not beat myself up over them.

But to learn from the mistakes.

That way boundries can be set.

Then I will be happy;

living a life that makes me feel good inside.

Because of a boundary that I set for me.

Why, why, why?

 Why, Why, Why?

Why, Why?

Why are you. never here?

Physically yes, but emotionally no.

Why, why, why?

Why, Why?

Why no affection?

I just want a hug, but none comes.

Why, why, why?

Why, Why?

Why are you so aloof?

You are there, but cannot be reached.

Why, Why, Why?

Why, Why?

Why do you keep me at arms length?

I watch, but you never teach me.

Why, why, why?

Why, why?

Why do you never reach out to me?

You are like a ghost to be seen, but not touched.

Why, Why, Why?

Why, why?

Why do my feelings get ignored?

I want you here, but you can never be.

Why, why, why?