Resilience keeps me going;
however, fatigue sets in.
I do not want to give up,
yet I do not move forward.
It's ok if I am.
I need to keep going even step.
And the next comes a day or a week later.
Moving on no matter how slow is good.
Going to fast is not good as too much I miss.
I am ok.
Breathe deep.
Remember to give myself a hug.
Then move on one step at a time.
Water is pushing against the dam.
A dam that I built to protect myself.
However, it is now starting to crack.
I want to patch up the dam.
Make it like it was.
But the water composed of my emotions is relentless.
It is slowly undermining the dam.
Once it breaks, I will be better off,
Then my emotions can flow, instead of being held back.
Held back and ignored like I was taught to do.
The lake behind the dam does not exist.
But it does.
I need not fear the crumbling of the dam.
I should embrace it.
I should feel the water flow.
I should feel my emotions.
Then I can learn to accept who I am.
Feels as if I am always wrong.
Always wrong.
But I am not, but I believe it.
Even though it is not true.
Is it because of my disability, my growing up, something else, or a combination of them?
I do not know.
I wish is did.
I just want to feel ok.
To feel that; to feel ok and believe it.
Why is that so hard to do?
I just want to believe in me.
That's all.
Boundaries are to protect oneself.
Yet I have so much problem setting them.
And that is ok.
What is important though is to learn to set them.
To make mistakes and. not beat myself up over them.
But to learn from the mistakes.
That way boundries can be set.
Then I will be happy;
living a life that makes me feel good inside.
Because of a boundary that I set for me.
Why, Why, Why?
Why, Why?
Why are you. never here?
Physically yes, but emotionally no.
Why, why, why?
Why, Why?
Why no affection?
I just want a hug, but none comes.
Why, why, why?
Why, Why?
Why are you so aloof?
You are there, but cannot be reached.
Why, Why, Why?
Why, Why?
Why do you keep me at arms length?
I watch, but you never teach me.
Why, why, why?
Why, why?
Why do you never reach out to me?
You are like a ghost to be seen, but not touched.
Why, Why, Why?
Why, why?
Why do my feelings get ignored?
I want you here, but you can never be.
Why, why, why?
Where are you?
I am little and alone
You are there, but not.
I want you here.
You remain aloof.
I am lonely.
You are never there.
I grow up feeling bad.
You are satisfied.
Light is there.
Often I choose focus on the blackness instead.
I sink into holes then.
Holes without light.
That is what I tell myself.
However, light is there.
I just have to look outward.
Outward to see the light.
Light that is hope.
Light that is warmth.
Light that is always there.
Focus on them three.
For they are all parts of the light.
