I love you.

But I have never told you that.

Nor have I ever kissed you.

 My head resting on your chest.

My left ear hearing your heartbeat.

Been so hurt in my past.

Afraid to move on.

Yet feeling wanting to be naked with you.

Our bodies joined together.

Wrapping my body around yours.

Feel a squeeze.

My head raises.

There is my Adonis

Smile back at him.

Being teased to kiss him.

Touching our lips together.

We kiss.

Not stopping until we both are relaxed.

Lying next to each other skin to skin.

Smiling at him.

Then my heart says 'I love you.'

 

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Forward

 Go for it!

No, do not.

Yes do it?

No, I am scared.

It's ok to feel scared.

Hold back.

No, I will not!

Do not move forward.

I will move forward.

Please do not.

No, my choice it to move forward!

Feel the fear.

The fear will empower me to move forward.

Please.

I am scared, but advancing.

Help me, please?

I will; here is my hand.

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Together

 Breathing slows down to normal.

Reflection sets in as I look at his face.

'I did not plan on this.'

From his expression and nod,

 neither did he.

' I do not know what happened.

My emotions got the best of me'

'Me too' he says quietly.

'What if I...'

He puts a finger on my lips.

 I listen to him.

'Thank you for saying that.'

Welcome is his reply.

I  do not feel so alone now.

We are in this together.

We get dressed and go for walk,

enjoying the day together.

Letting the future take care of itself.

 

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Finding Happiness

 You have controlled me for so long,

for too long.,

 At last I am breaking the bonds,

that you have wrapped me in.

You are scared and that's ok,

for I am more than you.

I am not sure who I am exactly,

but I will find out.

I will be me,

all the good and not so good parts.

I will embrace them them all 

and find happiness.

You can walk my path with me,

or without me.

The choice is yours to decide,

 but do not take too long.

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Walls Down

 I am told I should love you

but I do not.

I do not hate you

but I do not hate you.

You were their physically

but never emotionally.

I suffered the abuse in silence

just stuffing it in.

Setting up walls to protect me

Walls that block out love.

Not learning how to love

Learning fear and self-loathing

They are my friends

Warning me about the world.

telling me to stay safe

so I stay in my box

I am safe 

Not happy though.

Walls are comforting

but lonely.

 

Learning to move on

 It is hard.

I can do it

Either alone or with you. 

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Only Talking, Never Walking

 

 Letting go of the past

I need to do it

I talk about it

Never do it

Talk the talk

Never walk the walk

Pretend all is ok

The world around me crumbles

Losing what I love

Not doing anything

except talking

never walking

Why do I hold on

to that which hurts me

just talking

never walking

What can I do to move on

I never really ask myself that

Not in a serious manner

To really reflect on how to move on

I focus on self-hate

Not on self-love

Hate keeps me talking

Love would keep me walking

I need to decide now

Do keep hating

Or start walking

 My choice to follow

I want to walk

To act on

Not think about

Walk in self-love

 

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Thank You

Thank you for teaching me how to live

Thank you for opening my eyes to a different world

Thank you for getting me to start smelling the roses

Thank you for showing me a different path

Thank you for caring about me

Thank you for being there for me

Thank you for standing up to me

Thank you for loving me





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I Love You

I love you;

Really do.

But scared to love you;

afraid of being hurt.

Want to love you unconditionally;

the way you love me.

I long to be held;

to feel your warmth against mine.

The warmth of your love filling me;

my warmth would be filling you.

Filling me with love;

my love filling you.

 That is my dream;

to love you as you love me.


 

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Hope

Life goes on.



The wait goes on..

Wonder what is next?

Do I care?

I wonder if I do.

But I do.

More than what I want to admit.

I go on because I want to.

Because it is my choice.

I will not give up.

I will not lose hope.

Life is beautiful.

Life is getting better.











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Oh? Oh. Oh!

It's normal.

That's the way it should be.

That's the way it was done.

That's the way I learned normal.

But just because you learned it as normal,

does not mean, it is right.

 Oh? Oh. Oh!

My god, you are right!

I am so sorry,

but sorry does not undo the memories

of the pain that I have inflicted on you.

I hate the one who taught me this way,

yet I do the same,

so how do I feel about me?

How do I break this cycle?

I have to do it myself

for only I can change me.

 However, it will be easier with you at my side.


Nevertheless, you want a break to reflect on what you want.

I understand and accept.

I hope you come back, but that is not my decision to make.

Therefore, love will be set free, and if our love still exists,

it will come back.

If not, I will move on after wishing you the best.

That is normal.





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Together

As we start our journey together, 

We must focus on what is important. 

What really matters is communication. 

For that is the mortar that binds us in love. 

Love is strengthened by compromising. 

Love is strengthened by actively listening.  

Love is strengthened by caring. 

Love is strengthened by mutual respect. 

Love is strengthened by asking for help. 

Love is strengthened by leaning on each other. 

Love is strengthened by positive feelings. 

So together in life, our love will guide us. 

Guide us on our journey together. 

That is Love

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Comfortable Silence

Thank you.  Nice to be here with you too.

Really? I am glad you had such a nice day.

Comfortable Silence.

What are you thinking about?

Tell me please.

I do not know. 

Thank you letting me decide.

Comfortable Silence.

I agree to that.

Nice to be with you too.

I am happy to be with you too.

Comfortable Silence.

You want to what? 

Thank you for letting me decide.

Comfortable Silence.

I agree to that.

I love you too.

Comfortable Silence.

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Together

Fear slowly envelops me.

I used to ignore it;

pretend it does not exist.

But you are here,

reminding me, I am ok.

My fear is mine to admit or ignore.

I look at you and feel your touch.

My breathing slows.

I focus on your words;

I feel your touch.

Your love and caring brighten my life.

And the fear ebbs.

We walk together in sunshine, smiling.

Twinkles of love in our eyes.




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Why Change?

I want to be perfect.

Never make a mistake.

But that is not reality

So instead my anxiety flairs up.

I dictate instead of communicate.

You get upset.

Our communication breaks down.

I beat myself up.

We talk.

Things are fine again.

How long will you put up with this?

Why cannot I change?

To accept myself for who I am.

Release my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up inside.

Change is not easy.

But it can be done.

Yes, it can.

I want to change.

I will change.

I will do it for me.

I will do it for us

For I want us to be happy together.

For I love you.






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Why? Why? Why?

Why do you treat me so well?

Why are you so gentle with me?

Why have you been so loving to me?


Why do you care about me so much?

Why are you so happy with me?

Why have you been so good to me?


Why do you love me so sweetly?

Why are you so nice to me?

Why have you been so happy with me?


I love you so much.

I am so happy with you.

I have asked you to marry me.






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So why ask me?

What do I want?

I do not know.

I just want to please you.

To give you want you want.

That is all: no more; no less.

So why ask me what I want?

I love you too.

Not used to others pleasing me.

Only give; not take.

That is what I was taught.

So why ask me what I want?

I care about you too.

Yes, I will finish what you want me too:

"I want to ....

I do not know.

What if I say something wrong?

What if you get mad at me?

What if you put me down?

Will you hit me?

Will you force me to do something?

Should I just smile a faux smile?

So why ask me what I want?

You mean the world to me too.

Cannot believe you care about me.

Care about my feelings.

Care about what I want.

This is what I want.

I want to ....

Welcome.

Let's go now.





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Please Don't Go

Please don't go, I almost cry.

Tears wanting running down my face.

Please stay.

Do not want to admit that you will be gone forever soon.

I love you!

Please, please, please, just....

Sobs overcome my words.

Knew this day was coming.

A day I would be left alone.

I do not want to be without you.

You are my life.

I love you more than I can tell you.

You have done so much for me.

And..and. and...

I cannot talk as I hear a last breathe.

I break down and start collapsing crying

alone now, all alone, I feel.

Then two strong arms grab me and help me to my bedroom.

They lay me down on my bed as I continue to cry.

And as I cry myself to sleep, his voice soothing me.

Words of love are whispered into my ear.

'You are not alone, I will always be with you no matter what'

'Your mom will live on in your heart.'

'When we have a daughter, we will name her after your mom'

I let his words echo in my head even after waking up later.





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Reflecting on What I Want

I love you too.

Love cuddling with you too.

Glad you loved this special day for you.

Welcome. Anythings else you would like?

Really? But that was just a joke, wasn't it?

hahahahahahaha.

Then quiet descends between us as we cuddle.

My mind reflects on the joke and wonders, so I ask.

Do you really really want to?

I feel the same: want to, but scared of ending up without you.

I will not leave you either.

You mean the world to me too.

What do I want?

What do i feel is best for me, for us?

Why do you say for me?

You do not want to, unless I want to?

Tension comes off me, and all goes quiet again.

I reflect on what I really want.

No pressure except from me.

Deep breaths to relax and let the answer come to me

Eventually it does, and I tell him.

I am kissed on my cheek.

Words vibrate in my ear that make me smile.

Appreciate your honesty too.

Then we continue to cuddle as an answer is awaited

Eventually an answer appears as my neck is friskily kissed






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Pain and Love

I want to help you so much to ease your pain.

The constant pain that you are always in.

That you acquired while doing what you felt was right

and I agree with you about that.

Friends gone in an instant,

and you left with a perpetual reminder

of who you lost.

Nevertheless, I love you and always will.

Here with you, I will be.

Helping you until the end of time.

Easing your pain, but never being able to make it gone.

And despite your never ending pain, I will always love you.






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Hug Forever

I want to hug you forever.

Letting time slip away as we embrace.

Seconds becoming minutes, becoming hours,

becoming days, becoming weeks, becoming months,

becoming years, becoming decades, becoming centuries, 

becoming millennia, becoming eons, becoming forever.

Your hugs give me reassurance and warmth

They make me feel loved, feel someone cares for me.

I feel strengthened as the frozen cold melts from my heart.

Your love gives me hope and faith that things will be better.

The chill fades as the sun gets brighter as we hug forever.

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