even though you don't want to be rescued.
Come here to mommy
and get what you didn't get as a kid.
I want to make love to you;
I'm not using any birth control;
and you don't have to use a condom.
We both know what will happen,
but we don't talk about it
for I want to get pregnant.
To have a baby to substitute for you;
to have a tie to you after I, at last, tell you to get lost for good.
Now, I am pregnant
and not sure if I want to be.
To have or not to have the baby?
I don't know.
I'm so confused.
I'm so mad at you.
I wanted revenge, so I allowed you to get me pregnant.
I allowed you to get me pregnant because I don't know how to voice my anger at you.
Yes, I am so mad at you.
Yet I took my anger out at me instead of you.
I wanted you to feel bad; to feel something
that you are incapable of feeling.
Now you have left me once again,
and I am left with my revenge
that I don't know if I want or not.
Yes, I wanted this baby for all the wrong reasons,
and that's ok; I made a mistake. I am human.
Should I have this baby because I want love and cherish it,
or should I not have this baby because I don't really want it.
It was created for revenge, not out of love.
Is it right to have a child for that reason?
I want someone to tell me what to do.
What path will give me less regret?
Tell me someone; I don't want to face this decision.
But if I don't make it, then in few weeks,
the decision will be made for me.
I don't want that.
I want me to make the decision whether to have this baby or not.
But will I make it before it is too late to make a decision?
No, I don't want that, but I'm scared of making it.
I scared of making the wrong decision.
One that I will regret more; but which will I regret more.
I don't know; I'm so confused.
However, I am facing what I need to make.
I have some time:
to face my anger at me:
for getting me in this situation in the first place;
for facing my anger at you that I have allowed to fester within me.
It has festered like a cancer of the brain;
confusing anger at you and anger at me.
I hate you so much for using me;
yet I won't face my anger at me.
The unvoiced anger at you that I internalized and turned on me.
I got pregnant not because I wanted a tie with you,
not because I want you to feel bad,
not because I wanted revenge on you.
But because I felt so angry at me for letting you back in my life
again and again and again.
I have felt so stupid for letting you back in my life over and over
I have so undercut my sense of self-worth
that I don't have any. I'm just an empty vessel.
I have felt so stupid for so long
that I did the one thing that would make me feel really stupid
and left with a Hobson's choice of feeling damned
no matter what I do.
That's the truth, I allowed you to get me pregnant
because I am mad at myself for feeling stupid.
However, feeling stupid is security for me.
So I did something that I could really feel stupid about.
Now I am scared, confused, and alone
with our baby growing in me.
I don't know if I should keep the baby or not,
but once I decide what will give me less regret,
I will make my decision
and not look back
wishing I had done the other.
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