I love you.

But I have never told you that.

Nor have I ever kissed you.

 My head resting on your chest.

My left ear hearing your heartbeat.

Been so hurt in my past.

Afraid to move on.

Yet feeling wanting to be naked with you.

Our bodies joined together.

Wrapping my body around yours.

Feel a squeeze.

My head raises.

There is my Adonis

Smile back at him.

Being teased to kiss him.

Touching our lips together.

We kiss.

Not stopping until we both are relaxed.

Lying next to each other skin to skin.

Smiling at him.

Then my heart says 'I love you.'

 

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Forward

 Go for it!

No, do not.

Yes do it?

No, I am scared.

It's ok to feel scared.

Hold back.

No, I will not!

Do not move forward.

I will move forward.

Please do not.

No, my choice it to move forward!

Feel the fear.

The fear will empower me to move forward.

Please.

I am scared, but advancing.

Help me, please?

I will; here is my hand.

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Together

 Breathing slows down to normal.

Reflection sets in as I look at his face.

'I did not plan on this.'

From his expression and nod,

 neither did he.

' I do not know what happened.

My emotions got the best of me'

'Me too' he says quietly.

'What if I...'

He puts a finger on my lips.

 I listen to him.

'Thank you for saying that.'

Welcome is his reply.

I  do not feel so alone now.

We are in this together.

We get dressed and go for walk,

enjoying the day together.

Letting the future take care of itself.

 

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Finding Happiness

 You have controlled me for so long,

for too long.,

 At last I am breaking the bonds,

that you have wrapped me in.

You are scared and that's ok,

for I am more than you.

I am not sure who I am exactly,

but I will find out.

I will be me,

all the good and not so good parts.

I will embrace them them all 

and find happiness.

You can walk my path with me,

or without me.

The choice is yours to decide,

 but do not take too long.

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Who am I?

You run my life too much.

I need some space from you.

 Space to find out who I am.

 Space to be myself .

How I want to be what you want me to be.

But that is false.

A false version of me.

What is the real version of me?

I do not know.

I want to find out.

I will find out.

I am me.

Whoever I am.

 

 

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Shame And Rage

 How could you?

I loved to listen to what you had to say.

I learned and listened to you.

Wondering what it would be like to meet you,

to spend time with you.a

I imagined I would feel safe with you

Then I heard what you did to them,

and it triggered my feelings of shame and rage.

The latter staying mostly buried;

The former keeping me silent.

Part of me is happy never to have meet you;

Part of me wants to take out my rage on you.

If I had met you, would you have increased my shame?

Would my buried rage have increased?

I have no answer. 

I just have to work on myself:

letting go of my shame and rage.

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Walls Down

 I am told I should love you

but I do not.

I do not hate you

but I do not hate you.

You were their physically

but never emotionally.

I suffered the abuse in silence

just stuffing it in.

Setting up walls to protect me

Walls that block out love.

Not learning how to love

Learning fear and self-loathing

They are my friends

Warning me about the world.

telling me to stay safe

so I stay in my box

I am safe 

Not happy though.

Walls are comforting

but lonely.

 

Learning to move on

 It is hard.

I can do it

Either alone or with you. 

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Middle Ground

Feel so lost

Want to control everything 

Want to control nothing

 Where is the middle ground?

You will do want I want
I will do what you want

Where is the middle ground? 

Go forward

Go back

Where is the middle ground?

I have to find it

I can find it

Where is the middle ground?

When to control

When to not control

Where is the middle ground?

I have to search

Not depend on someone else

Where is the middle ground?





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Thank You

Thank you for teaching me how to live

Thank you for opening my eyes to a different world

Thank you for getting me to start smelling the roses

Thank you for showing me a different path

Thank you for caring about me

Thank you for being there for me

Thank you for standing up to me

Thank you for loving me





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Breeze and Ocean

You are an ocean breeze: fresh and clean

You are an ocean wave:gently rolling

You are the breeze and the waves
 
You spread joy and happiness with each sea breeze and wave

You have always been there for me

Refreshing the senses and clearing obstacles in the way

Senses that feel the breeze more intensely now

Senses that feel the path without stumbling

Happiness you bring with each gentle breeze and each rolling wave

















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Moving On With Life

Anxiety has run my life

Never realized it

Until now

Learning to let it go

Not so easy

But doing it

It feels good

Enjoying the lack of tension

Hard to stay relaxed

But learning how to do it

Happy to be living without it









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Letting Go

Isolated.

A word that describes my years growing up;

Part of a family, but apart from them.
 
Wanting to be a part of the family;

however, never felt a part of them.

Now isolation is not what I want;

nevertheless, I do not let go of it.

I want to, but how?

I want to fight the past,

instead of letting go.

Let go of the pain, of the past.

Learn to live for now.

Breathe in the present

and exhale the past.

Then just put one foot in front

of the other towards the future












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Yes/No; Stop/Go

I want you,

but knowing I should not.

 I want to stop,

but saying go on.

I feel so confused,

paralyzing myself.




I want to say no,

yet saying yes.

 I follow your lead,

suppressing my feelings.

I let u use my body,

making you happy.

I ignore my body's desires,

making me unhappy inside.

I smile faux smiles of happiness,

while you smile real ones.

I have done my duty,

allowing you to fill me up.

I grant you sleep,

while wondering who am I.

I let that thought drift in my head,

fighting the emptiness inside of me.

I fill the emptiness with  walls,

sealing it off from my conciousness.

I want to see what is in me,

perceiving what really is there.

I fear what is inside,

blocking it out of my mind.

I go around and around,

wondering if an answer will ever come.

I feel you stir,

filling me up again.

I reflect on me as you do that,

filling myself up with unaswered questions.

I desire answers,

yet failing to reach out.

I get dressed and leave,

walking into the unknown.









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Whatever

I am allergic to fish

But I do love you

I do not want to have a reaction

sigh

Whatever you want, dear.


Why do you never do things with me?

But I do love you

I want to go out with you

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.


Why do we always have to eat meat?

But  I do love you

Let's just have a salad and some veggies

Sigh

Whatever you want dear.


 I just want to cuddle

But I do love you

just hold each other

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.


I want us to use birth control now

But I do love you

I want kids later, not now

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.



I feel sad

But, I do love you

You want a smile?

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.










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I Love You

I love you;

Really do.

But scared to love you;

afraid of being hurt.

Want to love you unconditionally;

the way you love me.

I long to be held;

to feel your warmth against mine.

The warmth of your love filling me;

my warmth would be filling you.

Filling me with love;

my love filling you.

 That is my dream;

to love you as you love me.


 

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Hope

Life goes on.



The wait goes on..

Wonder what is next?

Do I care?

I wonder if I do.

But I do.

More than what I want to admit.

I go on because I want to.

Because it is my choice.

I will not give up.

I will not lose hope.

Life is beautiful.

Life is getting better.











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I Want

What do I want?

I do not know.

I always defer to the other.

Really, I just go along.

Yes, whether I want to or not.

My happiness does not matter.

Only yours does.

 How do I know what I want?

What does it matter?

My feelings do not matter.

What if you say no?

I just want you to tell me what to do.

Ok, ok.  I will tell you.

You will not be angry, will you?ant

Good. I want, I want...

I want to lie next to you.

To feel you heart beating.

To have you hold me.

Nothing else.

Thank you
















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Oh? Oh. Oh!

It's normal.

That's the way it should be.

That's the way it was done.

That's the way I learned normal.

But just because you learned it as normal,

does not mean, it is right.

 Oh? Oh. Oh!

My god, you are right!

I am so sorry,

but sorry does not undo the memories

of the pain that I have inflicted on you.

I hate the one who taught me this way,

yet I do the same,

so how do I feel about me?

How do I break this cycle?

I have to do it myself

for only I can change me.

 However, it will be easier with you at my side.


Nevertheless, you want a break to reflect on what you want.

I understand and accept.

I hope you come back, but that is not my decision to make.

Therefore, love will be set free, and if our love still exists,

it will come back.

If not, I will move on after wishing you the best.

That is normal.





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Together

As we start our journey together, 

We must focus on what is important. 

What really matters is communication. 

For that is the mortar that binds us in love. 

Love is strengthened by compromising. 

Love is strengthened by actively listening.  

Love is strengthened by caring. 

Love is strengthened by mutual respect. 

Love is strengthened by asking for help. 

Love is strengthened by leaning on each other. 

Love is strengthened by positive feelings. 

So together in life, our love will guide us. 

Guide us on our journey together. 

That is Love

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The past for me is like a prison

Where the key has long since been thrown away.

But I want to be outside these walls

Where love, touch, and fresh air exist.

What are they like

For dim memories of them exist.

Exist still?

Who knows.

All I desire is to be free

Where long forgotten memories can rediscovered.

And have new memories formed



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