Be Me

 Dad

I got to quit carrying you.

You failed in so many ways.

You could never be there for me.

  I wanted you to be there for me,

but you never could. 

I need to accept that and go forward.

You never tried to meet me where I needed to be met.

You wanted to me to you at where you wanted me to meet you.

I am still trying to meet you there, even though, you passed years ago.

I need to go forward on my own without carrying you.

Put you on the side of the road, little by little.

Walk with my shoulders and head high, 

looking forward to the future with you behind me.

I can do it.

I will do it.

I can be me. 

Be what I want to be,

who I want to be.

 

Scared

 Scared: 

I am so scared.

Scared of change.

Scared of the unknown. 

I want to control.

I wish to change life to how I want it.

But life does not work like that.

We have to bend.

We have to change directions.

Lose things we want at times.

 Lose things we have at times.

Life is about change.

Adapting to change.

Moving on and not giving up.

It is so hard at times.

But life is ok.

As long as the moving on continues.

 

Together

 Breathing slows down to normal.

Reflection sets in as I look at his face.

'I did not plan on this.'

From his expression and nod,

 neither did he.

' I do not know what happened.

My emotions got the best of me'

'Me too' he says quietly.

'What if I...'

He puts a finger on my lips.

 I listen to him.

'Thank you for saying that.'

Welcome is his reply.

I  do not feel so alone now.

We are in this together.

We get dressed and go for walk,

enjoying the day together.

Letting the future take care of itself.

 

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Finding Happiness

 You have controlled me for so long,

for too long.,

 At last I am breaking the bonds,

that you have wrapped me in.

You are scared and that's ok,

for I am more than you.

I am not sure who I am exactly,

but I will find out.

I will be me,

all the good and not so good parts.

I will embrace them them all 

and find happiness.

You can walk my path with me,

or without me.

The choice is yours to decide,

 but do not take too long.

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Who am I?

You run my life too much.

I need some space from you.

 Space to find out who I am.

 Space to be myself .

How I want to be what you want me to be.

But that is false.

A false version of me.

What is the real version of me?

I do not know.

I want to find out.

I will find out.

I am me.

Whoever I am.

 

 

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Shame And Rage

 How could you?

I loved to listen to what you had to say.

I learned and listened to you.

Wondering what it would be like to meet you,

to spend time with you.a

I imagined I would feel safe with you

Then I heard what you did to them,

and it triggered my feelings of shame and rage.

The latter staying mostly buried;

The former keeping me silent.

Part of me is happy never to have meet you;

Part of me wants to take out my rage on you.

If I had met you, would you have increased my shame?

Would my buried rage have increased?

I have no answer. 

I just have to work on myself:

letting go of my shame and rage.

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The Neighbor

 The neighbor was so nice at first

Showing me love that I never had

But I was so naive

I was just a fly landing on their web

I so needed real love

but not the abuse that followed

Not the fake love

Nor the promises 

Fake promises that you loved me

that you cared about me

that I was yours

and you were mine

I was never truly yours

Just a toy to use

 for your pleasure

Not for mine

I walked away one day

Hardly saw you after that

But emotional is different

I still carry you with me

 

I dance around a word

It describes what you did

Betrayed

You betrayed me

I did not betray myself

YOU BETRAYED ME

I did nothing wrong

You did something wrong

 

I need to move on 

To drop my anger at myself

for I did nothing wrong

I was the abused

 

 You were the abuser

You were the adult

I was a kid

who just wanted love

All I wanted was love and be loved

To feel that their was someone there for me

 Someone who genuinely cared about me

Nothing more, nothing less

I have questions for you

that can never be answered

But really I  need to move on

to accept my love for myself

How do I do that though

 Instead of focusing on hurt

Change to what I can do

Focus on loving myself

 

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Moving On With Life

Anxiety has run my life

Never realized it

Until now

Learning to let it go

Not so easy

But doing it

It feels good

Enjoying the lack of tension

Hard to stay relaxed

But learning how to do it

Happy to be living without it









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Letting Go

Isolated.

A word that describes my years growing up;

Part of a family, but apart from them.
 
Wanting to be a part of the family;

however, never felt a part of them.

Now isolation is not what I want;

nevertheless, I do not let go of it.

I want to, but how?

I want to fight the past,

instead of letting go.

Let go of the pain, of the past.

Learn to live for now.

Breathe in the present

and exhale the past.

Then just put one foot in front

of the other towards the future












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Hope

Life goes on.



The wait goes on..

Wonder what is next?

Do I care?

I wonder if I do.

But I do.

More than what I want to admit.

I go on because I want to.

Because it is my choice.

I will not give up.

I will not lose hope.

Life is beautiful.

Life is getting better.











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Comfortable Silence

Thank you.  Nice to be here with you too.

Really? I am glad you had such a nice day.

Comfortable Silence.

What are you thinking about?

Tell me please.

I do not know. 

Thank you letting me decide.

Comfortable Silence.

I agree to that.

Nice to be with you too.

I am happy to be with you too.

Comfortable Silence.

You want to what? 

Thank you for letting me decide.

Comfortable Silence.

I agree to that.

I love you too.

Comfortable Silence.

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Not Really

Just want to withdraw.

Just want to be alone.

Not because I want to withdraw.

Not because I want to be alone.

It is comforting for me.

Isolation is too much my friend.

A false friend it is.

Not really there for me.

Not like people I care about.

People who ask how I am.

People who mean it.

People who will give me a hug when asked.

People who care about me.

They are there.

I just need to let them in.




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Reflecting on What I Want

I love you too.

Love cuddling with you too.

Glad you loved this special day for you.

Welcome. Anythings else you would like?

Really? But that was just a joke, wasn't it?

hahahahahahaha.

Then quiet descends between us as we cuddle.

My mind reflects on the joke and wonders, so I ask.

Do you really really want to?

I feel the same: want to, but scared of ending up without you.

I will not leave you either.

You mean the world to me too.

What do I want?

What do i feel is best for me, for us?

Why do you say for me?

You do not want to, unless I want to?

Tension comes off me, and all goes quiet again.

I reflect on what I really want.

No pressure except from me.

Deep breaths to relax and let the answer come to me

Eventually it does, and I tell him.

I am kissed on my cheek.

Words vibrate in my ear that make me smile.

Appreciate your honesty too.

Then we continue to cuddle as an answer is awaited

Eventually an answer appears as my neck is friskily kissed






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My Past

I look back too much.

Too often the past becomes my reality.

A reality that I want to either ignore or fight.

In either case, it follows me.

How to let it go?

My past is comfort and letting it go is hard.

Comfort even though it is unhealthy for me.

But like a cold-hearted "friend", it is needles me.

It treats me as a pariah, and revels in my loneliness.

But no more!

I will learn how to move on.

How to put my past in the past.

Then find the present and enjoy it.






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Standing Up for Me

What do you mean by 'I'm lucky that you like it?'

What would have done to me if you did not like it?

What will you do to me some time in the future to me, if you do not like it?

It was a joke, an effing joke you say?

Do not dismiss my feelings, if you do not like them.

I am angry, and it is my right to voice my anger.

I cannot force you to listen to me, but I hope you do

Now you have to stand up and intimidate me?

I can stand up too and not let myself be intimidated by your show of dominance.

Yes, you are stronger than me and can overpower me, but I will not be intimated by you

What are you going to do?

I can see you are angry, deciding what to do.

You have three choices:

1) You can just walk out of here and not come back.

2) You can do what you want to me, and I can add my name to the Me Too hashtag.

3) We can talk and listen to each other and work things out.


What do you want to do?







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Fear and Doubt

Fear creates doubt

Doubt creates fear.

A cycle that goes around and around

Like a hamster wheel that never ends.

Run, run, run

So tiring, but gonna keep running.

Gotta keep the fear and doubt away.

They never disappear.

Sometimes they catch up.

Overwhelmed then confused

Finally totally black.

Continue running.

Slowly clearing, but still running.

Fear and doubt still in pursuit.

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Hug Forever

I want to hug you forever.

Letting time slip away as we embrace.

Seconds becoming minutes, becoming hours,

becoming days, becoming weeks, becoming months,

becoming years, becoming decades, becoming centuries, 

becoming millennia, becoming eons, becoming forever.

Your hugs give me reassurance and warmth

They make me feel loved, feel someone cares for me.

I feel strengthened as the frozen cold melts from my heart.

Your love gives me hope and faith that things will be better.

The chill fades as the sun gets brighter as we hug forever.

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I love you if

I love you, if you do what I say

I love you, if you do what I want

I love you, if you obey me

I love you, if you follow my orders

I love you, if you eat this

I love you, if you drink that

I love you, if you follow me

I love you, if you ....






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First Date with the Hunk

I do not have much, but the hunk has asked me out.

Finally, the doorbell rings

I anxiously answer the door. :)

'Hello Rex.'  I smile and almost squeal with delight.

'Hello there,' he replies with a smile and asks if I am ready.

'I am' and then we are off.

'We're we going?' I ask.

'Just see some nature.'

I smile and just relax and watch the town become woods on either side.

We go about 10 miles from town and park in a wooded area

Staying in the car, I roll down my window and listen to the crickets and other sounds.

I look out the passenger window and look into the woods.

This is nice I tell him.

He moves closer to me and start to wrap his arms around me.

Feels good until his hands stop on my breasts.

'No' I tell him, so he drops his hands lower.

'NO, NO, NO,' I tell him and turn to face him

'Why not? Everyone else is doing it!' is the reply

'Then find everyone else and do her,' is my angrily reply.

'Put out or get out' is the reply.

I get out and start walking to home.

'What are you doing?' is an astonished reply.

'I do not have much, but I got myself respect, and I am not giving it away to you.'

I say to myself as much as to him.

With each step, the town gets closer.

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Unconsciously

Without conscious knowing, I feel the hole within me.

Pain is in it, but I block it out;

Lonely, so lonely, radiates out of the hole.

Ignoring that feeling instead of exploring it,

letting you touch me to cover that hole;

Feeling your hands under my clothes before they are removed.

Unconsciously, the hole is papered over;

Pain does not seep out; it feels good.

Touching each other skin-to-skin.

Wanting you but do not know why;

Just know I do because feeling happier.

Random thoughts of was one taken this morning or yesterday?

Neither of us has one? That's ok

Do not know and do not care.

Smiling at you; at what we are doing.

The pain pushes to get out.

Pushed back by my happiness,

We get as close as possible,

and I happily accept your gift.

Afterwards, lying next to you, happiness fills me;

but the paper starts to tear and the pain slowly slinks out.

Happiness is slowly disappearing till next time




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