My Past

I look back too much.

Too often the past becomes my reality.

A reality that I want to either ignore or fight.

In either case, it follows me.

How to let it go?

My past is comfort and letting it go is hard.

Comfort even though it is unhealthy for me.

But like a cold-hearted "friend", it is needles me.

It treats me as a pariah, and revels in my loneliness.

But no more!

I will learn how to move on.

How to put my past in the past.

Then find the present and enjoy it.






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Zombie Update

The zombie has moved on

I missed who the zombie was before their decline

The hugs, the advice, the caring, the love,

which was freely shared and appreciated.

I watched the zombie get weaker and weaker.

The years passed and I mourned for them.

Over and over mourned for them, but now,

I mourn for a final time:

remembering the good times, the laughter,

the wisdom imparted, and the love,

So hard to let the tears flow,

but that is what they would have wanted -

cry and move on with love in my heart

for the zombie who died long ago,

but lived on until last Thursday.

Rest In Peace.

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Unconsciously

Without conscious knowing, I feel the hole within me.

Pain is in it, but I block it out;

Lonely, so lonely, radiates out of the hole.

Ignoring that feeling instead of exploring it,

letting you touch me to cover that hole;

Feeling your hands under my clothes before they are removed.

Unconsciously, the hole is papered over;

Pain does not seep out; it feels good.

Touching each other skin-to-skin.

Wanting you but do not know why;

Just know I do because feeling happier.

Random thoughts of was one taken this morning or yesterday?

Neither of us has one? That's ok

Do not know and do not care.

Smiling at you; at what we are doing.

The pain pushes to get out.

Pushed back by my happiness,

We get as close as possible,

and I happily accept your gift.

Afterwards, lying next to you, happiness fills me;

but the paper starts to tear and the pain slowly slinks out.

Happiness is slowly disappearing till next time




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Yes, Dear

That is all you want to hear.

That I agree with you.

While you gulp your latest beer,

and call me by a moo.

Yes, dear.

You, I fear.

Though that I never say-

even in bed -

where I let you have your way.

Yes, dear started out as a joke,

a fun thing

and I even accepted a ring.

However, my spirit broke,

and it became the standard reply,

and in silence I cry.

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Dark Sunshine

Hiding, Hiding, Hiding,

yet not realizing it.

I imagine I am in the sun;

Smiling, smiles of empty joy.

In darkness, I live and smile,

no one can see me smile -

especially me.

But the sun that I created warms me with cold;

Cold in darkness that does not warmly shine.

To me it does as I continue to fool myself;

reality distorts and I am emptily happy.

One door, maybe more, lead out into true sunshine,

and I wait for them to open.

They remain closed for I only wait

and never take the initiative.





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The Spring

The spring has been coiled a long, long time.

Then unexpecctedly, it starts to uncoil;

I, hopelessly, try to wind it back.

It unwinds more.

Then they hit;

frustrated, scared, and fearful, I am.

And slowly, I realize the fight is useless.

The spring will unwind no matter how much I resist.

I take a deep breath, and shed a few tears for things will not be the same.

Coiled the spring seemed normal because it had been that way:

That way for years and years.

But now it is time to let uncoil.

Let it uncoil to its natural state.

Let it uncoil all the way.

Breath deep, relax as it uncoils.

And look at the beauty of the uncoiled spring.




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Black

Black is the night and my sight.

Comforting it is and so familiar.

And I see a figure approaching.

A bony finger beckoning me.

Beckoning me to join it.

A voice echos 'Walk the walk.

Join me and see an end.

Your blackness shall be no more.'

My eyes see black every where.

A decision is made.

Feet move.




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Darker, Starker

Getting darker

More starker.

A mess

Utterly hopeless.

So Alone

A moan.

Now stop

Final drop.




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Moving On

Moving on is not easy

when love is involved.

But I have to move on

and let us fade -

fade into the past.

I am sorry

How us has turned out.

But I am glad

for the time that I -

I had with you.

Thank you for

believing in me.

When I did not

believe in myself.

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