Step up to Love?

Do you really love me?

You say you do, but I have been so hurt.

I want to believe you, but I cannot fully believe you.


Should I love you back?

You say yes, but my fears live within me.

I want to love you back, but pain still exists.


What do I feel?

You feel my joy and happiness, as well as my fear and pain.

I want you, but I wonder.


What should I do?

You want me to cross the bridge, but I freeze.

I thaw and then take a step.





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Take the Chance!

Take it! Take the chance!

Maybe it will work out, maybe not.

Life has no guarantees.

So what is your dream?

Then pursue it.

Try to make it come true.

Follow the path.

Change your direction, if necessary.

Life is unknown.

Embrace it.

Cherish it.

Learn from the journey.

But to pursue it, make it come true, and follow the path.

Then embrace it, cherish it, and learn from the journey.

So take it! Take the chance!





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My Fault

His dinner; my fault

I tell him why I am late with his meal:

I started it late because traffic was bad; he yells at me for not doing the errands sooner.

My voice is filled with intonated anger that sets him off.


 His slap; my fault

His palm across my face hard. Then face to face, he asks icily, "Why am I making him angry?"

I feel scared; I avert my eyes from his gaze.


His words; My fault

He takes my aversion as a sign of my guilt, so he pushes hard against the fridge.

His hand tightly on my jaw; my eyes wide with fear.

"Who is it?" he demands.

"No one..." I start to tell him, but he interrupts with an acerbic tone:  "Liar, Slut, Whore, Bitch."


His reaction; My fault

Those words break my fear and unleash a torrent of anger.

Remembering all the times, I smelled perfumes that were not mine,

I coldly answer back, "I am not the lying, slutty whoring bitch here."

I see his eyes widen with rage, and say, "I am sorry, sorry, sorry."


His torture: My fault

With one forearm holding me in place, he pulls my tube top below my breasts.

Next he twists a breast hard, causing me anguish: he smiles at my distress.

In the face of pain, defiance sets in, and I spit in his face.


His rape; My fault

He slams in fist into my face, then tosses me to the floor, and tears off my clothes.

Dazed, I do not realize what is happening at first, then I scream no, please don't.

I try to fight back, but he grabs me by the hair and slams my head hard against the floor:

Again and again, until the fight goes out of me, and he penetrates me.

After he ejaculates in me, he questions me as to why I do not respect him as I should.

After all he informs me that he respects me.


His decision; My fault

Still partly stunned, I look him in the eye incredulously and say, "You respect me?

"You respect me?" He smiles, until I start to laugh at him and his words.

Laughing, I fail to see what is coming, but I suddenly feel his hands tightly around my throat.

I futilely try to break his grip or get him off of me.

Slowly I feel myself slipping away into darkness, wishing I could prevent my impending demise,

and then as I slipp into oblivion, I have one final thought:

My death; my fault.





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My Dream

My dream is coming true.

I can see it.

The sky shines a bright blue.


My dream is occurring in perfect pitch.

 I can hear it.

The music is playing without a hitch


My dream is coating each taste bud.

I can taste it.

The succulence no longer tastes like mud.


My dream is enveloping me.

I can feel it.

I feel so free.






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My Dreams

I have followed my dreams:

The ones that were most important to me.

That is something I am proud of.

I look back  at my life and smile.

Yet, people ask if I have any regrets.

Honestly, I do wish some things had turned out differently;

however,

I have lived life to its fullest,

and that is something that I do not regret.




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Which Door?

I go and go and go: so many things to do and finish.

Pressure builds to keep working on them all the time.

Yet, I am feeling burned out.

A break to have where I do nothing and worry about nothing.

I long for that: where peace and tranquility reins supreme.

But unless time is set aside for that by me, it will never come.

As my heart and mind move toward the door to open it, they choose a door to go through.






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The Door

Unexpectedly, the phone rings, and he asks if he can stop by.

Yes, my voice says after listening to my heart.

My mind inquires of my heart 'is this right?  You know he has someone.'

'Does he really?' comes the reply. 'Maybe he wants me.'

My mind whirls not only with possibilities of love, marriage, and family,

but with me destroying something he has (may have.)

What should my decision be? What door is right for me, for us?

'He and me are the right decision' tells my heart.

'Are you so sure?' comes the reply.  'Do you want him to change you for someone else one day?'


'He will not. He loves me now and forever'

A cold silence is the reply.

Time ticks slowly by as no knock is heard.

My heart tells my mind 'maybe you have a point.'

My mind answers 'maybe you do too.'

They go on talking about what is the right decision.

Suddenly a rap on the door interrupts my wondering of what to do.





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As my heart and mind move toward the door to open it, they choose a door to go through.

True Friends

That's what true friends are for.

To be there when you are happy

sharing your joy and good news

To be there when you are sad

sharing your frustrations, and bad news.

To listen to you without judgement.

No matter whether what you say is good or bad.

To be happy for you, and to cry with you.


For better or for worse, true friends will stand by you,


and you will stand by them. 


So realize who they are and spend time with them, 


so your friendship does not fade into the past.


No matter how you feel, let those friendships bring joy to you


because without true friends, is life worth living?





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Mountains

Sometimes the mountains seem so big, so overwhelming.

I get scared about climbing them.

Instead I just walk up to the bottom and back off.

I repeat this again and again.

Until one day I break the mountain up into small chunks

and climb each chunk until I reach the top.

Then feeling accomplished, I can go down slowly.

Feeling the confidence within me.

Confidence that will allow me to scale the next ones before me.




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Walking a tight rope,

Wondering which way will I go.

which way will give me hope,

so i take it slow.

I breathe deep and feel my balance

walking ahead toward the end.

I get in a trance

and in the wind, I do not fall or break, but bend.





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Hope Dashed?

Made a mistake.

Waiting to see if the other shoe will drop.

Wondering if my heart will ache.

Lost it over the final flop.

Hopes dashed?

Did my best?

But is all crashed?

or will my fears be laid to rest?





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Hoof Beats

I hear 16 hoof beats coming in my direction.

12 of them I ignore, but four I focus on.

Wondering if should not oppose the the swing of the scythe.

I will be taken by that instrument one day, but now?

Now, when I feel no hope inside of the blackness I am in.

I am tempted to go with those four hoof beats.

The four hoof beats are coming closer, closer, closer.

Inside the blackness of my hopelessness, I await.

I feel the four hoof beats upon me.

I feel the scythe swinging toward me.

Then  I step back in hope.

And hear the fading hoof beats galloping on.

Things may be black, but not totally.

So I am happy to have stepped back this time.

THIS TIME.




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Him or Her?

He said ....

She said ....

Each told me the opposite of what the other said.

I like them and want to believe both their stories.

But how can both be true? 

Are both wrong?

Are they embellished to make themselves look better or the other worse?

Each want me to side with them.

Do I side with her or him?

Why do I only have these two choices?

Why cannot I see that I have another choice.

I can stay neutral and be there for both of them.

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I am a Good Girl - Five Years Later

Five years have gone by and much has changed.

I am almost finished with college.

It has not been easy with my daughter.

I was such a "good girl" then.

I needed to be that because otherwise,

I would have been a "bad girl".

"Good girl" or "bad girl" the choice was easy to make.

So I let him do what he wanted with my body

because being a "good girl" was who I was,

and a "good girl" will always please her partner.

That's what I believed then.

I had unprotected sex, and then a baby

because that is what he wanted, not me.

However, I had to be a "good girl".

During my pregnancy, I began to stand up to him

for now it was not just about him and me.

And after she was born, I stood up to him even more.

I fought more and more with him, so eventually, I told him bye.

Really, I did not want her, but she has taught me something

that I will treasure and teach her.

I will teach her to that she does not have to be a .good girl".

Instead, she can say stand up for herself, say no and mean it!

and still be a Good Girl.

.

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I am a Good Girl

I am a good girl, so I tell him no.

Even if I want to make love to him,

I always tell him no at first

before I say yes or give in.

He is here with me and the pattern is repeating.

I do not know why I feel so hollow, so empty inside.

All I want to do is make him happy,

but what about my happiness?

I hear myself tell me

your happiness is to make him happy

because you are a good girl.

Part of me rebels at that thought.

My rebellious part tells me my happiness is to make me happy.

But I feel pain and loneliness in those words, so I push that thought away.

He wants to go further than I want to, but I let him to make him happy.

I can see his happiness as we make love.

To keep him happy, I fake mine

for I am a good girl.

.

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Happy to See Him

I am happy to see him.

I know he loves me,

and I love him.

He makes me happy.

I talk and listen to him

before I kiss him.

That is all I want.

I feel his hands are on part of my body

that I would rather he not touch,

so I push them away.

This happens a few times

before he whines a please

and a let me make you happy.

He tries again, so I make him happy.

It goes on this way till we have done it all.

At last, it is time for him to leave

so I hear him tell me an answer

that he never asked the question to.

I hear him tell me "I am glad you enjoyed it"

as he leaves for maybe the last time.

I was happy to see him; however,

I am happier to see him go.

.

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Over

The crisis has past; it is over.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

I cannot wait to see you again,

give you hug, tell you I love you,

and appreciate you for being there for me.

I breathe another sigh of relief.

The crisis has past; it is over -

For Now.

.

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Stop

Stop, I want to stop; however, I feel as I cannot.
I must do what you want; I have no choice,
even though fear fills every pore of my body.

So I go forward, against my better judgment,
for I feel that forward is the only option.
My body trembles with anxiety.

I want to stop so bad - so bad that is hurts,
yet I feel I cannot, so I get lost in my head.
Thus hopelessness is the only emotion my body feels.

Then I do what you want, and all blows up in my face.
You yell at me for things beyond what I should know.
My body cries silently for years and years.

I so wish I could go back in time,
and to the point where I was, but this time
I would say stop, stop, stop. no, No, NO.

.

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A Path of Life

My legs get heavier as I walk the path.
A path that I thought would be good,
but has turned out to be muddy.

And the mud is getting thicker,
so my legs become more tired.
I could blame myself
or someone else, but no one,
no one is at fault.

This path I thought would be good for me,
but it is not turning out that way. And so,
I may be forced off the path that I chose.

However, new paths are scary and often rewarding,
or at least learning experiences.
In life, some paths are best left behind,
so reflecting on them is the best that I can do.

.

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What Else ...?

I'm pregnant I tell you and smile

You smile back, give me a chaste kiss,

and tell me you are happy.

It's what we wanted;

Our minds agree we have done the right thing.

Yet, when you suggested to me some months

before I graduated high school that

we should have a baby, I told you no.

But not long after graduation, I changed my mind.

So now I am expecting and looking forward

to the baby with me that I allowed you to create.

My mind is happy, and I continue to smile.

However, deep in my mind the answer of nothing

lies within; but the question to the answer,

I dare not ask myself now. Maybe NEVER ask myself!

Now that I have graduated high school with

no jobs prospects nor any more schooling desired,

I do not ask myself:

What else was there to do?

.

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