Scared

 Scared: 

I am so scared.

Scared of change.

Scared of the unknown. 

I want to control.

I wish to change life to how I want it.

But life does not work like that.

We have to bend.

We have to change directions.

Lose things we want at times.

 Lose things we have at times.

Life is about change.

Adapting to change.

Moving on and not giving up.

It is so hard at times.

But life is ok.

As long as the moving on continues.

 

Middle Ground

Feel so lost

Want to control everything 

Want to control nothing

 Where is the middle ground?

You will do want I want
I will do what you want

Where is the middle ground? 

Go forward

Go back

Where is the middle ground?

I have to find it

I can find it

Where is the middle ground?

When to control

When to not control

Where is the middle ground?

I have to search

Not depend on someone else

Where is the middle ground?





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Letting Go

Isolated.

A word that describes my years growing up;

Part of a family, but apart from them.
 
Wanting to be a part of the family;

however, never felt a part of them.

Now isolation is not what I want;

nevertheless, I do not let go of it.

I want to, but how?

I want to fight the past,

instead of letting go.

Let go of the pain, of the past.

Learn to live for now.

Breathe in the present

and exhale the past.

Then just put one foot in front

of the other towards the future












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I Love You

I love you;

Really do.

But scared to love you;

afraid of being hurt.

Want to love you unconditionally;

the way you love me.

I long to be held;

to feel your warmth against mine.

The warmth of your love filling me;

my warmth would be filling you.

Filling me with love;

my love filling you.

 That is my dream;

to love you as you love me.


 

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Buried, Bubbling, and Boiling

Buried inside me, it bubbles and boils within.

What it is, I am not sure.

Do I want to know?

Part of me does; Part of me does not.

Pain, I push it down.

Wanting to ignore it, but cannot always.

So deal with what I have to.

Then rebury the rest.

This pattern repeats again and again.

Finally, I dig some up; the pain lessens.

It still bubbles and boils within me,

but with less intensity now.

Yet no matter, how much I dig it up,

it still is hot.

Some day, maybe it will congeal in the cold,

but when that day comes, I do not know.

Until then it bubbles and boils, and life goes on

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Wishing

Wishing upon a star

for dreams that are still far.

For life is more slogging

than it is jogging.

Taking one step at a time

ignoring the grime.

Advancing at all cost

even when lost.

But mattering not how bad things are

even when stuck in a jar

Happiness is existing even when blue

for I am with you.





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Dark Sunshine

Hiding, Hiding, Hiding,

yet not realizing it.

I imagine I am in the sun;

Smiling, smiles of empty joy.

In darkness, I live and smile,

no one can see me smile -

especially me.

But the sun that I created warms me with cold;

Cold in darkness that does not warmly shine.

To me it does as I continue to fool myself;

reality distorts and I am emptily happy.

One door, maybe more, lead out into true sunshine,

and I wait for them to open.

They remain closed for I only wait

and never take the initiative.





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That's Fair

He:

He wants me.

That's fair.

He wants to hug me.

That's fair.

He wants to kiss me.

That's fair.

He wants to slip his hands under my clothes.

That's fair.

He wants to take off all my clothes.

That's fair.

He wants to fondle me.

That's fair.

He wants to make love to me.

That's fair.

He wants to go without a condom.

That's fair.

He wants to come in me.

That's fair.

I:

I want him.

That's fair.

I want to hug him.

That's fair.

I want to kiss him.

That's fair.

I want to slip my hands under his clothes.

That's fair.

I want to take off all his clothes.

That's fair.

I want to fondle him.

That's fair.

I want to make love to him.

That's fair.

I want to not use the pill.

That's fair.

I want him to pull out.

That's fair.

I do not want him to come in me.

That's fair.

I do not know what to do.

That's fair. 

Question:

Who controls your body: you or him?

That's fair.

 

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The Light

The light feels so warm, so comforting.

Too often I have searched for it outside of me.

However, the light always exists inside of me.

It has never gone out.

Just been covered by the darkness that was comforting.

The darkness comforts me with unchanging security.

The light comforts me with hope.  

Hope is comforting because it helps me to change.

Change for the better that continues

Continues to keep the darkness within me away,

and keep the light with me burning bright.

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Daylight Coming

Breaking apart;

Finally, the darkness of fear is breaking apart.

Shattered is my heart;

like Humpty Dumpty it cannot be put together the same.

But it can be put together differently.

How will it though?

The process is difficult.

My heart wants to mend.

Scared of the unknown it has.

The unknown has more blackness.

Nevertheless daylight is at the end of this journey.

My heart will enjoy it and feel lighter.

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Questions?

Why do I get snappish when there is no need?

Is it my disability?

Is it learned from growing up?

Is it both?

How do I catch myself before I do it?

What is my trigger?

Money?

Control?

Both?

Other?

Is it necessary to know that?

What is necessary to know?

Everything?

Nothing?

Somewhere in-between?

Inner peace, will it ever be mine?

Am I just overthinking?

Do I just need to take a deep breath and move forward?

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Tell Me

Yes? No? Yes? No? Yes? No?

I do not know; tell me.

Tell me! Tell me!

Do not ask me.

I want what you want.

A mistake? Making one?

No, do not want to.

So tell me.

What?! Why would you ask me that?

You know the risk.

Yes, I did tell you to tell me what to do.

And should I do it?

I do not know.

Tell me what to do,

and I will do it,

even if I do not want to.

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What's Left of Me?

Everything is what I gave you,

but what do I have left?

Nothing, except an empty void.

All my security is gone.

and nothing is left.

An empty shell of me exists.

Why do I find it so hard to draw a line?

To say no in a polite way, and stick to it.

To tell you, let's look at the budget;

see what we can afford.

When in bed, I let you please yourself

and not me: I just feel scared.

What would happen if I said no,

and kept saying no?

Don't know as I was not raised that way.

Maybe I should stick up for me.

To say NO and mean NO.

but can I do it?

With what is left of me?

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Do You Believe In Me?

Do you really exist?

Often I wonder and sometimes doubt.

I do not know what you are like,

for you have never been seen in any form on this planet.

You are one without division - always whole: here and there.

Never seen by any eyes, but your touch has been felt -

even by those who do not believe.

In writing, it says for two score that you were carried in a box

as now free believers sometimes worshiped and obeyed you.

But do you really exist?

I want concrete answers - answers that I can see now,

not just read about and believe.

Am I asking the right questions?

Have I missed the answers right before my eyes?

Do you care that at times I doubt you or even deny you exist?

I think not, so what do you care about me?

You care I do right by your words.

Not perfect as no one ever has been, but just try to do right.

Nothing more, nothing less.

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Smack, Smack, Smack

"Why did you do that?"

"because I was asked to."

Smack, Smack, Smack

"Why did you agree to that?"

"because I have trouble saying no."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Should you have done that?"

"No, I should not have."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Then why do that?"

"How do you say no?"

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Why cannot you say no?"

"I want people to like me."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Do you think I like you now?"

"No, you are mad at me."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Do you think you can stay in your own area?"

"Yes, I can."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Really, I hope you learn to do it."

"I can do it!"

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"How soon will we have this conversation again?"

"Never again."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Sure, sure."

"Sure, sure."

Smack, Smack, Smack.





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Change Paths

Paths are not so easy to change,

but change often brings success.

Life is funny that way;

the same used paths are security.

Knowing what will happen is good;

however, it often leads to ruts.

So change is needed;

change that is scary.

Face your fears,

and embrace them.

Change will come on a new path,

and success will be the reward.

That's what is believed;

nevertheless, failure may result.

When that happens,

change paths again.

Find the one that brings success,

and a more fulfilling life.

That happens, not due to luck,

but due to embracing a different path.






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You Told Me

You're dying you told me.

The doctors have given you only a few months,

and you are alone.

I wish you were here, so I could help you these final few months.

I would make sure you are housed, fed, and loved.

Maybe we would marry like we have talked about.

You only had an im, and you have been on it lately.

I miss you, I love you.

I want to cry but I cannot.

Are you safe or homeless?

Are you fed or hungry?

Are you loved or unloved?

I hope those questions are yes for you, but I no not.

I want to help you to die with dignity.

To die with someone who loves you and you love back.

Even if I never hear from you again, you will always be in my heart.

All I want is for you to die with dignity,

and if I would be apart of that my wish will come true.






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Fun, then Hope.

Fun, fun, fun.

The kids are having fun.

Laughing, playing, being kids

Adults watching them.

Smiling, relaxing, laughing too.

Then shock, horror, oh my god....

The ambulance comes and goes.

The hospital staff do what they can.

The patient remains unconcious.

Questions and answers go back and forth.

Will she wake up?  Maybe. Maybe not.

How long will she be unconcious? Unknown.

How bad is the damage? Who knows.

Will she fully recover? We do not know.

What do you know then? Hope, there is hope, always hope.

The patient remains unconcious.

Hope hangs in the air and in loved ones hearts.





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Walking Along

Walking and enjoying the night

Looking at what I can see.

A shadow caused by a light

seems to be watching me.

I walk slower and watch

it following me.

The figure seems to undo a latch;

a twist shoots pain down from my knee.

I hobble along the path

A formless voice stays 'Hope you are ok.'

Those words dissipate my wrath,

Having made my day.




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Me or Meat

Do you love me for me,
or am I a piece of meat?

Do you love my soul,
or am I a body for your pleasure?

Do you love the sparkle in my eyes,
or am I only stripped naked by your eyes?

Do you love my smile,
or am I only another conquest?

Do you love my touch,
or am I just inviting you to use me?

Do you love my personality,
or am I blinded by you to reality?

Do you really love me,
or am I just letting myself be a piece of meat?




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