Sunday, December 27, 2015


Why do I get snappish when there is no need?

Is it my disability?

Is it learned from growing up?

Is it both?

How do I catch myself before I do it?

What is my trigger?





Is it necessary to know that?

What is necessary to know?



Somewhere in-between?

Inner peace, will it ever be mine?

Am I just overthinking?

Do I just need to take a deep breath and move forward?

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Thursday, November 26, 2015

Tell Me

Yes? No? Yes? No? Yes? No?

I do not know; tell me.

Tell me! Tell me!

Do not ask me.

I want what you want.

A mistake? Making one?

No, do not want to.

So tell me.

What?! Why would you ask me that?

You know the risk.

Yes, I did tell you to tell me what to do.

And should I do it?

I do not know.

Tell me what to do,

and I will do it,

even if I do not want to.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

What's Left of Me?

Everything is what I gave you,

but what do I have left?

Nothing, except an empty void.

All my security is gone.

and nothing is left.

An empty shell of me exists.

Why do I find it so hard to draw a line?

To say no in a polite way, and stick to it.

To tell you, let's look at the budget;

see what we can afford.

When in bed, I let you please yourself

and not me: I just feel scared.

What would happen if I said no,

and kept saying no?

Don't know as I was not raised that way.

Maybe I should stick up for me.

To say NO and mean NO.

but can I do it?

With what is left of me?

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Thursday, September 24, 2015

Staying Together - Part 1

The first secret to staying together is just listen to her:

whether she is exploding in anger or want to discuss something uncomfortable to you.

Stay silent and listen.

Listen to her.

Listen to what is correct, admit it and resolve to do better.

And mean it!

Listen to what you disagree with to discuss it later.

And do it!

Listen without judgment.

For love to flourish, listening to the good and the bad must be heard.

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Friday, August 7, 2015

Invisible Walls

Within my invisible walls I feel safe.

They are strong, but I feel lonely.

Bad girl, bad girl, bad girl echos through my head.

Looks into the closet for what to wear.

Feeling like something real sexy for bf.

A movie of his is waiting for me to watch him to walk out of the movie

and whisk me away from my life in his arms.

He is safe, unlike my last ex who left me in handcuffs.

Looking in the closet, for something other than the over sized clothes I normally wear,

a front zipped striped bandeau tube top is looking forlorn 

It barely fits over my nipples, but my bf will like the view. 

Next I find a micro mini skirt that I have not worn since losing weight.

It hangs loosely on me, but my bf will like that too.

They are both sky blue hemmed with  peacock blue thread. 

His latest movie starts and my bf is sitting next to me,

waiting till the end of the movie to take me away. 

Suddenly about ten minutes into the movie, a knock and a friendly, familiar hello.

I stand behind the door and peek around it to see my next door neighbor.

Since his girlfriend left him 3 plus years ago, he stays home except when he visits me.

(and yes, i will sometimes visit him, but we are just friends.) 

"Can I come in he asks?" he asks.

Unsure, I look back at my bf who has left  me alone - all alone. 

No, not alone, no, so I tell him to come in. 

He tries unsuccessfully to look me in the eyes.

We sit on the couch, and rehash the same things over that we have told each other before.

His eyes bounce between looking into my eyes and 30 cm down.  

It feels nice to have someone look at me.

Subconsciously, passion starts stirring; fear starts receding. 

Chatting starts to get awkward as nothing new to tell. 

And he is getting ready to say goodbye I fear, so I move closer to him, and he reciprocates.

Passion keeps increasing; fear keeps decreasing.

He runs his hands up and down my arms.

Taking his hands, I place them on my breasts.

He gently squeezes them as my eyes close.

Feels so good to have them touched by another's hands.

I do not resist or say no as he unzips my tube top and drops it on the floor.

Opening my eyes, I see how much he is like me. 

Our lips meet, and I let him push me back as we kiss.

As we kiss our hands explore, and his shirt goes down to the floor.

Passion increases as fear decreases.

Kissing, touching, nibbling, and licking all over increases desire.

Eventually all of our clothes are on the floor.

Whispers in your ear that you make me feel so good, 

and you whisper back, you are good.

I Looking into his eyes, I tell him I want him; he tells me I want you.

We share our bodies, so there is no distance between them. 

Fluids exchanged with pleasure. 

Good girl, good girl, good girl echos through my head.

Passion reaches its peak; fear bottoms out.

Lying together afterwards; neither of us can believe it.

Shock and happiness mixed together.

Wondering what to say next.

He gets up and gets dressed.

"Where are you going?"

"Have to leave. Bye." and with a smile to me, he exits through the front door.

After putting my panties on, I go to my room and look for some over-sized clothes.

Bad girl, bad girl, bad girl echos through my head.

My invisible walls are shattered.

I start rebuilding them.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Do You Believe In Me?

Do you really exist?

Often I wonder and sometimes doubt.

I do not know what you are like,

for you have never been seen in any form on this planet.

You are one without division - always whole: here and there.

Never seen by any eyes, but your touch has been felt -

even by those who do not believe.

In writing, it says for two score that you were carried in a box

as now free believers sometimes worshiped and obeyed you.

But do you really exist?

I want concrete answers - answers that I can see now,

not just read about and believe.

Am I asking the right questions?

Have I missed the answers right before my eyes?

Do you care that at times I doubt you or even deny you exist?

I think not, so what do you care about me?

You care I do right by your words.

Not perfect as no one ever has been, but just try to do right.

Nothing more, nothing less.

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Sunday, June 28, 2015

Two Paths

I want to do both at the same time.
Yet I end up doing hardly any of each.

I do not admit: too much to do both
But I try.

One path would be defeat,
and too stubborn, I am.

Retreat is failure.
That is not acceptable.

Life's path is flexible.
Change is built into it.

I want one path to follow;
one that is unchanging.

One path to follow
is a folly of life.

It has been already answered.
Am I ready accept it?

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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day I told you as we hugged.

I wish your kids could have said that;

however, they were cruelly taken from you and this earth,

so now they are angels who look out for you.

They still love you, and you love them.

In your heart, they live.

Missing your hugs and smiles,

the tone of your voice, and your caring love.

They know how much you miss them:

their hugs and smiles,

the tones of their voices, and their caring love.

And they want you to know that:

They love you as you love them;

They remember you as you remember them;

They cherish you as you cherish them;

Lastly, they wish you with all their love a Happy Mother's Day.

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Sunday, April 26, 2015

Oblivion Away

The rug has been pulled.

Free-falling into oblivion,

but you catch me.

Steadying myself is not easy;

however, you stand by me.

Gazing into your eyes,

seeing your love gives me hope.

Hope is there.

Holding onto it.

No longer am I free-falling.

Believing you keeps oblivion away.

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Saturday, March 28, 2015

What Matters

Remember what matters:

What matters is love,

not one's possessions.

What matters is caring,

not one's money.

What matters is compromising,

not getting one's way.

What matters is sharing,

not having it one's way.

What matters is sharing,

not hoarding one's desires.

What matters is not being judgmental,

not judging others against one's expectations.

Remember what matters.

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Monday, February 16, 2015

Death is not a Failing Grade

Doctor Whitecoat, why do you not tell the one I love the truth?
The truth that there is no more you can do.
That you have done the best you can.
I appreciate and thank you for that.
You have done all that is humanly possible.
But you are not God.
You have limits.
Embrace them.
Accept them.
Admit them to the one I love.
That is all I ask.
Death is not a failure on your part.
It is not a failing grade.
It is a part of life.
Tell my loved one now.
Give them time to adjust.
Time to accept.
Time to embrace what they have now.
Let's go tell my love now.

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Thursday, January 29, 2015

Within Reach

Almost  achieved my goal.

But not quite, sigh.

However, I am not down;

I am happy for doing so well.

It is within my reach,

if I keep believing in myself

and learning from my errors.

Next time my goal will be achieved.

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