Letting Go

Isolated.

A word that describes my years growing up;

Part of a family, but apart from them.
 
Wanting to be a part of the family;

however, never felt a part of them.

Now isolation is not what I want;

nevertheless, I do not let go of it.

I want to, but how?

I want to fight the past,

instead of letting go.

Let go of the pain, of the past.

Learn to live for now.

Breathe in the present

and exhale the past.

Then just put one foot in front

of the other towards the future












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Yes/No; Stop/Go

I want you,

but knowing I should not.

 I want to stop,

but saying go on.

I feel so confused,

paralyzing myself.




I want to say no,

yet saying yes.

 I follow your lead,

suppressing my feelings.

I let u use my body,

making you happy.

I ignore my body's desires,

making me unhappy inside.

I smile faux smiles of happiness,

while you smile real ones.

I have done my duty,

allowing you to fill me up.

I grant you sleep,

while wondering who am I.

I let that thought drift in my head,

fighting the emptiness inside of me.

I fill the emptiness with  walls,

sealing it off from my conciousness.

I want to see what is in me,

perceiving what really is there.

I fear what is inside,

blocking it out of my mind.

I go around and around,

wondering if an answer will ever come.

I feel you stir,

filling me up again.

I reflect on me as you do that,

filling myself up with unaswered questions.

I desire answers,

yet failing to reach out.

I get dressed and leave,

walking into the unknown.









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Whatever

I am allergic to fish

But I do love you

I do not want to have a reaction

sigh

Whatever you want, dear.


Why do you never do things with me?

But I do love you

I want to go out with you

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.


Why do we always have to eat meat?

But  I do love you

Let's just have a salad and some veggies

Sigh

Whatever you want dear.


 I just want to cuddle

But I do love you

just hold each other

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.


I want us to use birth control now

But I do love you

I want kids later, not now

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.



I feel sad

But, I do love you

You want a smile?

Sigh

Whatever you want, dear.










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I Love You

I love you;

Really do.

But scared to love you;

afraid of being hurt.

Want to love you unconditionally;

the way you love me.

I long to be held;

to feel your warmth against mine.

The warmth of your love filling me;

my warmth would be filling you.

Filling me with love;

my love filling you.

 That is my dream;

to love you as you love me.


 

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Hope

Life goes on.



The wait goes on..

Wonder what is next?

Do I care?

I wonder if I do.

But I do.

More than what I want to admit.

I go on because I want to.

Because it is my choice.

I will not give up.

I will not lose hope.

Life is beautiful.

Life is getting better.











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I Want

What do I want?

I do not know.

I always defer to the other.

Really, I just go along.

Yes, whether I want to or not.

My happiness does not matter.

Only yours does.

 How do I know what I want?

What does it matter?

My feelings do not matter.

What if you say no?

I just want you to tell me what to do.

Ok, ok.  I will tell you.

You will not be angry, will you?ant

Good. I want, I want...

I want to lie next to you.

To feel you heart beating.

To have you hold me.

Nothing else.

Thank you
















This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.