Shame And Rage

 How could you?

I loved to listen to what you had to say.

I learned and listened to you.

Wondering what it would be like to meet you,

to spend time with you.a

I imagined I would feel safe with you

Then I heard what you did to them,

and it triggered my feelings of shame and rage.

The latter staying mostly buried;

The former keeping me silent.

Part of me is happy never to have meet you;

Part of me wants to take out my rage on you.

If I had met you, would you have increased my shame?

Would my buried rage have increased?

I have no answer. 

I just have to work on myself:

letting go of my shame and rage.

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Yes/No; Stop/Go

I want you,

but knowing I should not.

 I want to stop,

but saying go on.

I feel so confused,

paralyzing myself.




I want to say no,

yet saying yes.

 I follow your lead,

suppressing my feelings.

I let u use my body,

making you happy.

I ignore my body's desires,

making me unhappy inside.

I smile faux smiles of happiness,

while you smile real ones.

I have done my duty,

allowing you to fill me up.

I grant you sleep,

while wondering who am I.

I let that thought drift in my head,

fighting the emptiness inside of me.

I fill the emptiness with  walls,

sealing it off from my conciousness.

I want to see what is in me,

perceiving what really is there.

I fear what is inside,

blocking it out of my mind.

I go around and around,

wondering if an answer will ever come.

I feel you stir,

filling me up again.

I reflect on me as you do that,

filling myself up with unaswered questions.

I desire answers,

yet failing to reach out.

I get dressed and leave,

walking into the unknown.









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Zombie Update

The zombie has moved on

I missed who the zombie was before their decline

The hugs, the advice, the caring, the love,

which was freely shared and appreciated.

I watched the zombie get weaker and weaker.

The years passed and I mourned for them.

Over and over mourned for them, but now,

I mourn for a final time:

remembering the good times, the laughter,

the wisdom imparted, and the love,

So hard to let the tears flow,

but that is what they would have wanted -

cry and move on with love in my heart

for the zombie who died long ago,

but lived on until last Thursday.

Rest In Peace.

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Unconsciously

Without conscious knowing, I feel the hole within me.

Pain is in it, but I block it out;

Lonely, so lonely, radiates out of the hole.

Ignoring that feeling instead of exploring it,

letting you touch me to cover that hole;

Feeling your hands under my clothes before they are removed.

Unconsciously, the hole is papered over;

Pain does not seep out; it feels good.

Touching each other skin-to-skin.

Wanting you but do not know why;

Just know I do because feeling happier.

Random thoughts of was one taken this morning or yesterday?

Neither of us has one? That's ok

Do not know and do not care.

Smiling at you; at what we are doing.

The pain pushes to get out.

Pushed back by my happiness,

We get as close as possible,

and I happily accept your gift.

Afterwards, lying next to you, happiness fills me;

but the paper starts to tear and the pain slowly slinks out.

Happiness is slowly disappearing till next time




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Yes, Dear

That is all you want to hear.

That I agree with you.

While you gulp your latest beer,

and call me by a moo.

Yes, dear.

You, I fear.

Though that I never say-

even in bed -

where I let you have your way.

Yes, dear started out as a joke,

a fun thing

and I even accepted a ring.

However, my spirit broke,

and it became the standard reply,

and in silence I cry.

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What's Left of Me?

Everything is what I gave you,

but what do I have left?

Nothing, except an empty void.

All my security is gone.

and nothing is left.

An empty shell of me exists.

Why do I find it so hard to draw a line?

To say no in a polite way, and stick to it.

To tell you, let's look at the budget;

see what we can afford.

When in bed, I let you please yourself

and not me: I just feel scared.

What would happen if I said no,

and kept saying no?

Don't know as I was not raised that way.

Maybe I should stick up for me.

To say NO and mean NO.

but can I do it?

With what is left of me?

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Invisible Walls

Within my invisible walls I feel safe.

They are strong, but I feel lonely.

Bad girl, bad girl, bad girl echos through my head.

Looks into the closet for what to wear.

Feeling like something real sexy for bf.

A movie of his is waiting for me to watch him to walk out of the movie

and whisk me away from my life in his arms.

He is safe, unlike my last ex who left me in handcuffs.

Looking in the closet, for something other than the over sized clothes I normally wear,

a front zipped striped bandeau tube top is looking forlorn 

It barely fits over my nipples, but my bf will like the view. 

Next I find a micro mini skirt that I have not worn since losing weight.

It hangs loosely on me, but my bf will like that too.

They are both sky blue hemmed with  peacock blue thread. 

His latest movie starts and my bf is sitting next to me,

waiting till the end of the movie to take me away. 

Suddenly about ten minutes into the movie, a knock and a friendly, familiar hello.

I stand behind the door and peek around it to see my next door neighbor.

Since his girlfriend left him 3 plus years ago, he stays home except when he visits me.

(and yes, i will sometimes visit him, but we are just friends.) 

"Can I come in he asks?" he asks.

Unsure, I look back at my bf who has left  me alone - all alone. 

No, not alone, no, so I tell him to come in. 

He tries unsuccessfully to look me in the eyes.

We sit on the couch, and rehash the same things over that we have told each other before.

His eyes bounce between looking into my eyes and 30 cm down.  

It feels nice to have someone look at me.

Subconsciously, passion starts stirring; fear starts receding. 

Chatting starts to get awkward as nothing new to tell. 

And he is getting ready to say goodbye I fear, so I move closer to him, and he reciprocates.

Passion keeps increasing; fear keeps decreasing.

He runs his hands up and down my arms.

Taking his hands, I place them on my breasts.

He gently squeezes them as my eyes close.

Feels so good to have them touched by another's hands.

I do not resist or say no as he unzips my tube top and drops it on the floor.

Opening my eyes, I see how much he is like me. 

Our lips meet, and I let him push me back as we kiss.

As we kiss our hands explore, and his shirt goes down to the floor.

Passion increases as fear decreases.

Kissing, touching, nibbling, and licking all over increases desire.

Eventually all of our clothes are on the floor.

Whispers in your ear that you make me feel so good, 

and you whisper back, you are good.

I Looking into his eyes, I tell him I want him; he tells me I want you.

We share our bodies, so there is no distance between them. 

Fluids exchanged with pleasure. 

Good girl, good girl, good girl echos through my head.

Passion reaches its peak; fear bottoms out.

Lying together afterwards; neither of us can believe it.

Shock and happiness mixed together.

Wondering what to say next.

He gets up and gets dressed.

"Where are you going?"

"Have to leave. Bye." and with a smile to me, he exits through the front door.

After putting my panties on, I go to my room and look for some over-sized clothes.

Bad girl, bad girl, bad girl echos through my head.

My invisible walls are shattered.

I start rebuilding them.

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The Spring

The spring has been coiled a long, long time.

Then unexpecctedly, it starts to uncoil;

I, hopelessly, try to wind it back.

It unwinds more.

Then they hit;

frustrated, scared, and fearful, I am.

And slowly, I realize the fight is useless.

The spring will unwind no matter how much I resist.

I take a deep breath, and shed a few tears for things will not be the same.

Coiled the spring seemed normal because it had been that way:

That way for years and years.

But now it is time to let uncoil.

Let it uncoil to its natural state.

Let it uncoil all the way.

Breath deep, relax as it uncoils.

And look at the beauty of the uncoiled spring.




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Blind Spots

You pretended to care about me.

You had me believe you cared about me.

You pretended to believe what we did was right.

You had me believe it was right.

You told me it was right.

You made me feel guilty, when I protested

You knew my blind spots and wormed your way into me through them.

You were a spider to my fly.

You pushed me to go further than I wanted to.

You manipulated me into doing what I did not want to do.

You told me what we did was right when it was not.

You had me believe it was the right thing to do, when it was not.

You cared only about yourself, never me.

You would have cared about me, if you had left me alone.

You instead left me with a hole that has turned into a scar.

You left me with a scar that still bleeds from time to time.

You left me with doubt about myself.

You left me with a pain that has never entirely eased.

You, who I still carry at times, still laugh at me.

You still mock me in my head for me believing you love me.

You, will I ever be free of you?





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You and I

You are focused on I,

while I am focused on you.

Things are not going well,

and I do not know why.

I feel my love slipping away,

slipping away from you.

What is happening to me?

Why do I feel this way?

Then one day, I end it.

Surprise for you.

I am sorry.

I had to end it.

I have no love for you.

I do not know why.





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Lonely

So lonely,

So lonely am I .

I want to sleep with you,

not because I love you,

not because I care for you,

not because I really want to.

Nevertheless, I want to feel someone with me.

I will sleep with you,

to pretend you love me,

to pretend you care for me,

to pretend you want me.

So for a few fleeting moments,

not so lonely I will be,

or pretend to be.




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Darker, Starker

Getting darker

More starker.

A mess

Utterly hopeless.

So Alone

A moan.

Now stop

Final drop.




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A Path of Life

My legs get heavier as I walk the path.
A path that I thought would be good,
but has turned out to be muddy.

And the mud is getting thicker,
so my legs become more tired.
I could blame myself
or someone else, but no one,
no one is at fault.

This path I thought would be good for me,
but it is not turning out that way. And so,
I may be forced off the path that I chose.

However, new paths are scary and often rewarding,
or at least learning experiences.
In life, some paths are best left behind,
so reflecting on them is the best that I can do.

.

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No, I am not.

No I am not.
Yes, you are.

I am not!
But you have...

No, I cannot be.
enough symptoms...

stop! stop! stop!
to show you are.

I do not want to be.
I am here for you.

I really do not.
You are ok.

But I am.
A smile for you.

I am scared.
I care for you.

Yes, I am ok.
Hug you tight.

.

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Thank You

Are you alive?

Are you not?

I do not know.

I want to know.

But no one knows, but you.

But if you are gone,

you had lived how wanted.

And I am happy you did.

You have taught me a lot,

but that is one lesson

that I will treasure

and keep with me

for the rest of my life.

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Head, but not Heart

I can love with my head,
but not with my heart.
As I grew, I learned to shut down-
-shut down my emotions and build-
-build a box tightly locked
around my heart.
A box to stuff the pain in
without letting it out.

One day while looking at the box
and wishing I could open it up,
I looked up and saw myself
as different people, different genders,
different personalities.

Some of us approach and learn
to blend with each other,
but others stand off.
I approach one, asking them
to blend with us, but they-
-they freeze at first at first,
then they run away.
I chase after them,
and they circle back and jump
into the box where I dare not follow.
I sit by the box and wait for them.

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