Friday, April 18, 2008

To Have or Not to Have

I want to rescue you

even though you don't want to be rescued.

Come here to mommy

and get what you didn't get as a kid.

I want to make love to you;

I'm not using any birth control;

and you don't have to use a condom.

We both know what will happen,

but we don't talk about it

for I want to get pregnant.

To have a baby to substitute for you;

to have a tie to you after I, at last, tell you to get lost for good.

Now, I am pregnant

and not sure if I want to be.

To have or not to have the baby?

I don't know.

I'm so confused.

I'm so mad at you.

I wanted revenge, so I allowed you to get me pregnant.

I allowed you to get me pregnant because I don't know how to voice my anger at you.

Yes, I am so mad at you.

Yet I took my anger out at me instead of you.

I wanted you to feel bad; to feel something

that you are incapable of feeling.

Now you have left me once again,

and I am left with my revenge

that I don't know if I want or not.

Yes, I wanted this baby for all the wrong reasons,

and that's ok; I made a mistake. I am human.

Should I have this baby because I want love and cherish it,

or should I not have this baby because I don't really want it.

It was created for revenge, not out of love.

Is it right to have a child for that reason?

I want someone to tell me what to do.

What path will give me less regret?

Tell me someone; I don't want to face this decision.

But if I don't make it, then in few weeks,

the decision will be made for me.

I don't want that.

I want me to make the decision whether to have this baby or not.

But will I make it before it is too late to make a decision?

No, I don't want that, but I'm scared of making it.

I scared of making the wrong decision.

One that I will regret more; but which will I regret more.

I don't know; I'm so confused.

However, I am facing what I need to make.

I have some time:

to face my anger at me:

for getting me in this situation in the first place;

for facing my anger at you that I have allowed to fester within me.

It has festered like a cancer of the brain;

confusing anger at you and anger at me.

I hate you so much for using me;

yet I won't face my anger at me.

The unvoiced anger at you that I internalized and turned on me.

I got pregnant not because I wanted a tie with you,

not because I want you to feel bad,

not because I wanted revenge on you.

But because I felt so angry at me for letting you back in my life

again and again and again.

I have felt so stupid for letting you back in my life over and over

I have so undercut my sense of self-worth

that I don't have any. I'm just an empty vessel.

I have felt so stupid for so long

that I did the one thing that would make me feel really stupid

and left with a Hobson's choice of feeling damned

no matter what I do.

That's the truth, I allowed you to get me pregnant

because I am mad at myself for feeling stupid.

However, feeling stupid is security for me.

So I did something that I could really feel stupid about.

Now I am scared, confused, and alone

with our baby growing in me.

I don't know if I should keep the baby or not,

but once I decide what will give me less regret,

I will make my decision

and not look back

wishing I had done the other.

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