What Fork?

We are at a fork in the road;

What way shall we go;

Shall we go together?

Shall we go separately?

We need to talk,

yet we hardly do.

Forks require communication;

however, silence is what I hear.

Silence is not what I want,

so I wait to hear your voice.

Before I or we move on,

I wait for your voice.

Once I hear it

and you hear mine,

we will know what fork

is ours to take.

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Together, Yet Apart

I love you
I love you so much
Yet we are constantly apart
I want us to be together
to build on our love, our trust,
our faith, our lives
but we can hardly be together

I want us to put mortar in our lives
so we can build a life together
instead of apart with weakening mortar?

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With him

The season of joy is arriving.
You will see him,
spend time with him,
laugh with him,
smile with him
and create memories with him.

Then suddenly you won't.
He is gone
from your presence.
No more will you see him,
nor spend time with him,
nor laugh with him,
nor smile with him,
nor create memories with him.

Others tell you he is in a better place
but that does not lessen your pain
for no more will you see him
nor touch him, nor hug him,
nor feel his warmth, and nor his caring,
nor comfort nor be comforted by him.

You are only left with a question:
Why? Why you my son?
For which there is no answer.
Only knowing you will see him,
touch him, hug him,
feel his warmth and caring,
and feel his comfort and be comforted by him
no more.

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You Can 2

You can
write it in a note, a poem, a letter.
Write one to me.

You can
give it with a hug, a smile, a gesture, a touch.
give one to me.

You can
say it with a word, a phrase.
Say one to me.

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Mac, oh Mac

Mac, oh Mac

I was sleeping when I heard the explosion.

Mac, oh Mac

I ran to your cot to be with you.

Mac, oh Mac

Don't die on me, please.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember our dreams of our life together.

Mac, oh Mac

A house on the beach.

Mac, oh Mac

A beach with no weapons to be seen.

Mac, oh Mac

A beach that is safe to lie on.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember the kids that we have planned to have and raise.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember our dreams of life together.

Mac, oh Mac

Please don't die.

Mac, oh Mac

Please breathe.

Mac, oh Mac

I will tell everyone you died in my arms.

Mac, oh Mac

I will never tell anyone that died before I could come.

Mac, oh Mac

What of our shattered dreams?

Mac, oh Mac

I will always love you.

Mac, oh Mac

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To Have or Not to Have

I want to rescue you

even though you don't want to be rescued.

Come here to mommy

and get what you didn't get as a kid.

I want to make love to you;

I'm not using any birth control;

and you don't have to use a condom.

We both know what will happen,

but we don't talk about it

for I want to get pregnant.

To have a baby to substitute for you;

to have a tie to you after I, at last, tell you to get lost for good.

Now, I am pregnant

and not sure if I want to be.

To have or not to have the baby?

I don't know.

I'm so confused.

I'm so mad at you.

I wanted revenge, so I allowed you to get me pregnant.

I allowed you to get me pregnant because I don't know how to voice my anger at you.

Yes, I am so mad at you.

Yet I took my anger out at me instead of you.

I wanted you to feel bad; to feel something

that you are incapable of feeling.

Now you have left me once again,

and I am left with my revenge

that I don't know if I want or not.

Yes, I wanted this baby for all the wrong reasons,

and that's ok; I made a mistake. I am human.

Should I have this baby because I want love and cherish it,

or should I not have this baby because I don't really want it.

It was created for revenge, not out of love.

Is it right to have a child for that reason?

I want someone to tell me what to do.

What path will give me less regret?

Tell me someone; I don't want to face this decision.

But if I don't make it, then in few weeks,

the decision will be made for me.

I don't want that.

I want me to make the decision whether to have this baby or not.

But will I make it before it is too late to make a decision?

No, I don't want that, but I'm scared of making it.

I scared of making the wrong decision.

One that I will regret more; but which will I regret more.

I don't know; I'm so confused.

However, I am facing what I need to make.

I have some time:

to face my anger at me:

for getting me in this situation in the first place;

for facing my anger at you that I have allowed to fester within me.

It has festered like a cancer of the brain;

confusing anger at you and anger at me.

I hate you so much for using me;

yet I won't face my anger at me.

The unvoiced anger at you that I internalized and turned on me.

I got pregnant not because I wanted a tie with you,

not because I want you to feel bad,

not because I wanted revenge on you.

But because I felt so angry at me for letting you back in my life

again and again and again.

I have felt so stupid for letting you back in my life over and over

I have so undercut my sense of self-worth

that I don't have any. I'm just an empty vessel.

I have felt so stupid for so long

that I did the one thing that would make me feel really stupid

and left with a Hobson's choice of feeling damned

no matter what I do.

That's the truth, I allowed you to get me pregnant

because I am mad at myself for feeling stupid.

However, feeling stupid is security for me.

So I did something that I could really feel stupid about.

Now I am scared, confused, and alone

with our baby growing in me.

I don't know if I should keep the baby or not,

but once I decide what will give me less regret,

I will make my decision

and not look back

wishing I had done the other.

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Letting Go

I shall let go of my fears.

It is not easy to do.

but I can do it.

I need to do it slowly,

little by little.

I'm not sure how I ll do it

but I will do it.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.