Light is there.
Often I choose focus on the blackness instead.
I sink into holes then.
Holes without light.
That is what I tell myself.
However, light is there.
I just have to look outward.
Outward to see the light.
Light that is hope.
Light that is warmth.
Light that is always there.
Focus on them three.
For they are all parts of the light.
I love you.
But I have never told you that.
Nor have I ever kissed you.
My head resting on your chest.
My left ear hearing your heartbeat.
Been so hurt in my past.
Afraid to move on.
Yet feeling wanting to be naked with you.
Our bodies joined together.
Wrapping my body around yours.
Feel a squeeze.
My head raises.
There is my Adonis
Smile back at him.
Being teased to kiss him.
Touching our lips together.
We kiss.
Not stopping until we both are relaxed.
Lying next to each other skin to skin.
Smiling at him.
Then my heart says 'I love you.'
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Go for it!
No, do not.
Yes do it?
No, I am scared.
It's ok to feel scared.
Hold back.
No, I will not!
Do not move forward.
I will move forward.
Please do not.
No, my choice it to move forward!
Feel the fear.
The fear will empower me to move forward.
Please.
I am scared, but advancing.
Help me, please?
I will; here is my hand.
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Breathing slows down to normal.
Reflection sets in as I look at his face.
'I did not plan on this.'
From his expression and nod,
neither did he.
' I do not know what happened.
My emotions got the best of me'
'Me too' he says quietly.
'What if I...'
He puts a finger on my lips.
I listen to him.
'Thank you for saying that.'
Welcome is his reply.
I do not feel so alone now.
We are in this together.
We get dressed and go for walk,
enjoying the day together.
Letting the future take care of itself.
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You have controlled me for so long,
for too long.,
At last I am breaking the bonds,
that you have wrapped me in.
You are scared and that's ok,
for I am more than you.
I am not sure who I am exactly,
but I will find out.
I will be me,
all the good and not so good parts.
I will embrace them them all
and find happiness.
You can walk my path with me,
or without me.
The choice is yours to decide,
but do not take too long.
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You run my life too much.
I need some space from you.
Space to find out who I am.
Space to be myself .
How I want to be what you want me to be.
But that is false.
A false version of me.
What is the real version of me?
I do not know.
I want to find out.
I will find out.
I am me.
Whoever I am.
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How could you?
I loved to listen to what you had to say.
I learned and listened to you.
Wondering what it would be like to meet you,
to spend time with you.a
I imagined I would feel safe with you
Then I heard what you did to them,
and it triggered my feelings of shame and rage.
The latter staying mostly buried;
The former keeping me silent.
Part of me is happy never to have meet you;
Part of me wants to take out my rage on you.
If I had met you, would you have increased my shame?
Would my buried rage have increased?
I have no answer.
I just have to work on myself:
letting go of my shame and rage.
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