Mac, oh Mac

Mac, oh Mac

I was sleeping when I heard the explosion.

Mac, oh Mac

I ran to your cot to be with you.

Mac, oh Mac

Don't die on me, please.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember our dreams of our life together.

Mac, oh Mac

A house on the beach.

Mac, oh Mac

A beach with no weapons to be seen.

Mac, oh Mac

A beach that is safe to lie on.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember the kids that we have planned to have and raise.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember our dreams of life together.

Mac, oh Mac

Please don't die.

Mac, oh Mac

Please breathe.

Mac, oh Mac

I will tell everyone you died in my arms.

Mac, oh Mac

I will never tell anyone that died before I could come.

Mac, oh Mac

What of our shattered dreams?

Mac, oh Mac

I will always love you.

Mac, oh Mac

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To Have or Not to Have

I want to rescue you

even though you don't want to be rescued.

Come here to mommy

and get what you didn't get as a kid.

I want to make love to you;

I'm not using any birth control;

and you don't have to use a condom.

We both know what will happen,

but we don't talk about it

for I want to get pregnant.

To have a baby to substitute for you;

to have a tie to you after I, at last, tell you to get lost for good.

Now, I am pregnant

and not sure if I want to be.

To have or not to have the baby?

I don't know.

I'm so confused.

I'm so mad at you.

I wanted revenge, so I allowed you to get me pregnant.

I allowed you to get me pregnant because I don't know how to voice my anger at you.

Yes, I am so mad at you.

Yet I took my anger out at me instead of you.

I wanted you to feel bad; to feel something

that you are incapable of feeling.

Now you have left me once again,

and I am left with my revenge

that I don't know if I want or not.

Yes, I wanted this baby for all the wrong reasons,

and that's ok; I made a mistake. I am human.

Should I have this baby because I want love and cherish it,

or should I not have this baby because I don't really want it.

It was created for revenge, not out of love.

Is it right to have a child for that reason?

I want someone to tell me what to do.

What path will give me less regret?

Tell me someone; I don't want to face this decision.

But if I don't make it, then in few weeks,

the decision will be made for me.

I don't want that.

I want me to make the decision whether to have this baby or not.

But will I make it before it is too late to make a decision?

No, I don't want that, but I'm scared of making it.

I scared of making the wrong decision.

One that I will regret more; but which will I regret more.

I don't know; I'm so confused.

However, I am facing what I need to make.

I have some time:

to face my anger at me:

for getting me in this situation in the first place;

for facing my anger at you that I have allowed to fester within me.

It has festered like a cancer of the brain;

confusing anger at you and anger at me.

I hate you so much for using me;

yet I won't face my anger at me.

The unvoiced anger at you that I internalized and turned on me.

I got pregnant not because I wanted a tie with you,

not because I want you to feel bad,

not because I wanted revenge on you.

But because I felt so angry at me for letting you back in my life

again and again and again.

I have felt so stupid for letting you back in my life over and over

I have so undercut my sense of self-worth

that I don't have any. I'm just an empty vessel.

I have felt so stupid for so long

that I did the one thing that would make me feel really stupid

and left with a Hobson's choice of feeling damned

no matter what I do.

That's the truth, I allowed you to get me pregnant

because I am mad at myself for feeling stupid.

However, feeling stupid is security for me.

So I did something that I could really feel stupid about.

Now I am scared, confused, and alone

with our baby growing in me.

I don't know if I should keep the baby or not,

but once I decide what will give me less regret,

I will make my decision

and not look back

wishing I had done the other.

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Letting Go

I shall let go of my fears.

It is not easy to do.

but I can do it.

I need to do it slowly,

little by little.

I'm not sure how I ll do it

but I will do it.

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Where? Why? What?

Off to see you, off to see you.

I am so happy, so happy.

We are there, are there.

Where are you, are you?

I want to see you, see you.

You are no where around, no where around.

Why? Why?

Do you not love me, love me.

I love you, love you.

Still you are not there, not there.

What did I do wrong, do wrong?

Please tell me, tell me.

I am without you, without you.

I want to be with you, with you.

You never came, never came.

I sit here alone, here alone.

Still waiting for you, for you

year after year, year after year.

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No Good-Bye

Suddenly a hole is in my heart.

You are gone, really gone.

I wish I could have said good-bye to you.

Told you

how much I cared for you;

how much I loved you;

how much I looked forward to our plans together.

And now my life must be without you.

You will always be a part of me,

living in a special place in my heart

that only is reserved for you.

Oh how I wish I could have said good-bye to you.

In some way that would

give me some closure;

give me some peace inside me.

I will always miss you.

I will always love.

I will always have you with me.

But no matter

how many years pass,

how many years I go on.

I will wish that I could have said good-bye to you.

I will grieve for you, for me, for us

for I loved you, yet I never had a chance to say good-bye my love.

Good-bye my love. I love you.

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Laundry Day

laundry day is here;

time to get out the stains of beer

from my husband's shirts.

it's laundry day here!

but wait, snif, snif:

is this some flirts?

after we had our tiff?

among the odors of the sauce of mushroom

is the, snif, snif, scent of perfume.

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Lost Angel

You lost your angel;
she was ready to fly.

You loved and taught her right;
she learned her lessons well.

You were expecting to see her.
She was wanting to see you.

You are crying over that that never will be;
She is crying while she waits for you.

You want her to be back.
She wants to return.

You have her in your heart.
She loves being there.

You can’t wait to see her again;
She wants to be with you again.

You find that comforting;
She feels at peace.

You have a hole in your heart for she is gone;
She feels the ache in your heart.

You mourn your loss of your angel;
She mourns that she will never fly.

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