Worries

You who I love.

Why don't you talk to me?

I so miss your voice

and your sexy smile.

I worry you don't love me;

that you have dumped me.

I can't sleep;

I can't eat.

I feel so blue,

and why are you not here?

Then I see you

and your sexy smile.

At last, I hear your voice

and you explain your absence.

I believe you

and feel reassured that you still love me.

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Loving You

I didn't plan on loving you,

but I did fall in love with you.

I just started talking to you.

It was nice.

I enjoyed our chats

and your listening to me.

Your gentleness was a nice change

and you treated me so nice.

Over time that became love,

A love I had never experienced before.

It was thrilling and exciting;

it was beautiful.

Then it went beyond the emotional

and became physical.

I never knew that the physical

could feel so nice.

Our love continued,

and remained beautiful.

But one day, that fateful day,

you cut me out of your life.

I love you so much,

I gave you my body.

Now, you just ignore me,

and I am without you.

But I wonder alone,

if I am carrying a part of you.

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Differing Views

“What?! You can't be serious.”

“I am serious.”

“You'll get in trouble”

“No, I won't.”

“Yes, you will.”

“I won't get in trouble.”

“But you and your bf have unprotected sex.”

“That what we choose to do.”

“But you're going to get in trouble.”

“No, I love him.”

“But you're not being smart.”

“I'm doing the right thing.”

“You need to listen to me.”

“I appreciate your friendship.”

“I wish I could change your mind.”

“You can't.”

“I'm scared for you.”

“I'm happy for me.”

“I love you, girlfriend.”

“I love you too, girlfriend.”

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Trudging Forward

Trudging through the dark

which surrounds me.

I see nothing but black

as I continue to move forward.

I feel hopeless at times

and wonder if I should give up.

But that is not me,

so I trudge forward.

Looking for a sign

any sign of hope.

However, not appears

as I move forward.

Despair is my friend;

it calls on me to give up.

I trudge on

listening to its siren song.

No wax to plug my ears,

my mind numbs.

I trudge forward,

listening to despair call my name.

I ignore my friend,

and I smile at last.

Within my sight is a dawn;

I trudge forward to it and smile.

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Fading

I feel my love for you fading.

I don’t want it to go away.

But it is.

I wonder if we are truly compatible.

I see our differences much more than our similarities.

I am so focused on me.

But without you here, how can I focus on us?

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Lifes' Paths

Lifes' paths we have decided to travel together,

yet we travel it separately.

I am tired of that happening.


Now we have a chance to travel it together.

Will you travel it with me?

or will we travel it separately?


As I wait for your reply,

I see our lifes’ paths drifting apart.

And I wonder will they ever meet?

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What Choice Did I Have?

Me: Sure, if you use a condom.
(I have a choice.)

Him: Do I have to?
(He lightly caresses me with his hands.)

Me: NO, NO, NO, NO. I won't do it without one.
(I pull back.)

Him: Why not? Don't you love me?
(He reaches for my hand unsuccessfully.)

Me: NO, NO, NO. Yes, I love you, but I still want you to use one.
(The real reason why is left unsaid.)

Him: No, you don't really love me.
(He looks at me with a sad face.)

Me: I do love you.
(I don't like him feeling sad.)

Him: We have done it before without one.
(He smiles at me.)

Me: NO, NO. That was then.
(I love his smile.)

Him: Come on baby.
(He approaches me.)

Me: NO. I wish you'd use a condom.
(But I know he doesn't want to.)

Him: You love me you know.
(He wraps himself around me holding me tight against him.)

Me: I do love you.
(I hold him back to be nice.)


Him: Please baby do it for us.
(He kisses and caresses me.)

Me: Ummm....I don't know.
(I don't want to disappoint him.)

Him: Show me you love me.
(He pushes my buttons without me being aware.)

Me: Well... umm...
(I don't really want to, but ...)

Him: That's my girl.
(He undresses me and I him.)

Me: You are so good.
(I say this as he is inside of me.)

Him: I love you.
(He is happy; I'm glad one of us is.)

Me: Do you really love me?
(I can feel it is too late for me now.)

Him: I will always love you.
(He looks so relaxed and happy.)

Me: Me too.
(I sigh with sadness tinged with regret.)

Him: Is was good wasn't it?
(He doesn't want to hear no.)

Me: Yes, it was.
(Soon, inside my body, two cells will multiply and divide after becoming one.)

Him: Glad you like it.
(He smiles a big smile.)

Me: Yes, I did.
(But what choice did I have?)

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What Fork?

We are at a fork in the road;

What way shall we go;

Shall we go together?

Shall we go separately?

We need to talk,

yet we hardly do.

Forks require communication;

however, silence is what I hear.

Silence is not what I want,

so I wait to hear your voice.

Before I or we move on,

I wait for your voice.

Once I hear it

and you hear mine,

we will know what fork

is ours to take.

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Together, Yet Apart

I love you
I love you so much
Yet we are constantly apart
I want us to be together
to build on our love, our trust,
our faith, our lives
but we can hardly be together

I want us to put mortar in our lives
so we can build a life together
instead of apart with weakening mortar?

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With him

The season of joy is arriving.
You will see him,
spend time with him,
laugh with him,
smile with him
and create memories with him.

Then suddenly you won't.
He is gone
from your presence.
No more will you see him,
nor spend time with him,
nor laugh with him,
nor smile with him,
nor create memories with him.

Others tell you he is in a better place
but that does not lessen your pain
for no more will you see him
nor touch him, nor hug him,
nor feel his warmth, and nor his caring,
nor comfort nor be comforted by him.

You are only left with a question:
Why? Why you my son?
For which there is no answer.
Only knowing you will see him,
touch him, hug him,
feel his warmth and caring,
and feel his comfort and be comforted by him
no more.

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You Can 2

You can
write it in a note, a poem, a letter.
Write one to me.

You can
give it with a hug, a smile, a gesture, a touch.
give one to me.

You can
say it with a word, a phrase.
Say one to me.

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Mac, oh Mac

Mac, oh Mac

I was sleeping when I heard the explosion.

Mac, oh Mac

I ran to your cot to be with you.

Mac, oh Mac

Don't die on me, please.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember our dreams of our life together.

Mac, oh Mac

A house on the beach.

Mac, oh Mac

A beach with no weapons to be seen.

Mac, oh Mac

A beach that is safe to lie on.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember the kids that we have planned to have and raise.

Mac, oh Mac

Remember our dreams of life together.

Mac, oh Mac

Please don't die.

Mac, oh Mac

Please breathe.

Mac, oh Mac

I will tell everyone you died in my arms.

Mac, oh Mac

I will never tell anyone that died before I could come.

Mac, oh Mac

What of our shattered dreams?

Mac, oh Mac

I will always love you.

Mac, oh Mac

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To Have or Not to Have

I want to rescue you

even though you don't want to be rescued.

Come here to mommy

and get what you didn't get as a kid.

I want to make love to you;

I'm not using any birth control;

and you don't have to use a condom.

We both know what will happen,

but we don't talk about it

for I want to get pregnant.

To have a baby to substitute for you;

to have a tie to you after I, at last, tell you to get lost for good.

Now, I am pregnant

and not sure if I want to be.

To have or not to have the baby?

I don't know.

I'm so confused.

I'm so mad at you.

I wanted revenge, so I allowed you to get me pregnant.

I allowed you to get me pregnant because I don't know how to voice my anger at you.

Yes, I am so mad at you.

Yet I took my anger out at me instead of you.

I wanted you to feel bad; to feel something

that you are incapable of feeling.

Now you have left me once again,

and I am left with my revenge

that I don't know if I want or not.

Yes, I wanted this baby for all the wrong reasons,

and that's ok; I made a mistake. I am human.

Should I have this baby because I want love and cherish it,

or should I not have this baby because I don't really want it.

It was created for revenge, not out of love.

Is it right to have a child for that reason?

I want someone to tell me what to do.

What path will give me less regret?

Tell me someone; I don't want to face this decision.

But if I don't make it, then in few weeks,

the decision will be made for me.

I don't want that.

I want me to make the decision whether to have this baby or not.

But will I make it before it is too late to make a decision?

No, I don't want that, but I'm scared of making it.

I scared of making the wrong decision.

One that I will regret more; but which will I regret more.

I don't know; I'm so confused.

However, I am facing what I need to make.

I have some time:

to face my anger at me:

for getting me in this situation in the first place;

for facing my anger at you that I have allowed to fester within me.

It has festered like a cancer of the brain;

confusing anger at you and anger at me.

I hate you so much for using me;

yet I won't face my anger at me.

The unvoiced anger at you that I internalized and turned on me.

I got pregnant not because I wanted a tie with you,

not because I want you to feel bad,

not because I wanted revenge on you.

But because I felt so angry at me for letting you back in my life

again and again and again.

I have felt so stupid for letting you back in my life over and over

I have so undercut my sense of self-worth

that I don't have any. I'm just an empty vessel.

I have felt so stupid for so long

that I did the one thing that would make me feel really stupid

and left with a Hobson's choice of feeling damned

no matter what I do.

That's the truth, I allowed you to get me pregnant

because I am mad at myself for feeling stupid.

However, feeling stupid is security for me.

So I did something that I could really feel stupid about.

Now I am scared, confused, and alone

with our baby growing in me.

I don't know if I should keep the baby or not,

but once I decide what will give me less regret,

I will make my decision

and not look back

wishing I had done the other.

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Letting Go

I shall let go of my fears.

It is not easy to do.

but I can do it.

I need to do it slowly,

little by little.

I'm not sure how I ll do it

but I will do it.

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Where? Why? What?

Off to see you, off to see you.

I am so happy, so happy.

We are there, are there.

Where are you, are you?

I want to see you, see you.

You are no where around, no where around.

Why? Why?

Do you not love me, love me.

I love you, love you.

Still you are not there, not there.

What did I do wrong, do wrong?

Please tell me, tell me.

I am without you, without you.

I want to be with you, with you.

You never came, never came.

I sit here alone, here alone.

Still waiting for you, for you

year after year, year after year.

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No Good-Bye

Suddenly a hole is in my heart.

You are gone, really gone.

I wish I could have said good-bye to you.

Told you

how much I cared for you;

how much I loved you;

how much I looked forward to our plans together.

And now my life must be without you.

You will always be a part of me,

living in a special place in my heart

that only is reserved for you.

Oh how I wish I could have said good-bye to you.

In some way that would

give me some closure;

give me some peace inside me.

I will always miss you.

I will always love.

I will always have you with me.

But no matter

how many years pass,

how many years I go on.

I will wish that I could have said good-bye to you.

I will grieve for you, for me, for us

for I loved you, yet I never had a chance to say good-bye my love.

Good-bye my love. I love you.

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Laundry Day

laundry day is here;

time to get out the stains of beer

from my husband's shirts.

it's laundry day here!

but wait, snif, snif:

is this some flirts?

after we had our tiff?

among the odors of the sauce of mushroom

is the, snif, snif, scent of perfume.

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Lost Angel

You lost your angel;
she was ready to fly.

You loved and taught her right;
she learned her lessons well.

You were expecting to see her.
She was wanting to see you.

You are crying over that that never will be;
She is crying while she waits for you.

You want her to be back.
She wants to return.

You have her in your heart.
She loves being there.

You can’t wait to see her again;
She wants to be with you again.

You find that comforting;
She feels at peace.

You have a hole in your heart for she is gone;
She feels the ache in your heart.

You mourn your loss of your angel;
She mourns that she will never fly.

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You Can

You can
Say it with a flower;
Say it with a gift;
Say it with a note;

You can
Say it with a gesture;
Say it with a sign;
Say it with a smile;

But to be special
Say the words:
Those 3 special words.
Just say them.

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Why?

Why do I miss you?

Why do I miss your laugh?

Why do I miss you your smile?

Why do I miss your playfullness?

Why do I miss your truthfullness

Why do I miss your absence from here?

It's because I love you.

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No Regret

Intitial meeting, Liking, Dating,
Hanging out, Having fun
learning to enjoy each other

Then

Going too fast, Want to slow up,
Don't know how to say stop
or slow down, so we go further.

Then

Further than I feel comfortable
but I have no choice, but go on.
No way to get off.

Then

We draw close to each other.
Unexpectedly sharing love,
Where nothing was expected to be shared.

Then

Blame gets cast, where none exists.
Feelings of being used, like a piece of meat
Keep going around in my head.

Then

One day an epiphany.
We both wanted what we did,
So contentment replaces regret.

Then

Pain eases away.
Happiness settles in
For what was, was ok.

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Off

Off

Off into the unknown;

waiting for the journey to begin;

a journey that has already begun.

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For All I Do (He grants his thanks)

I make his meals;
clean his clothes.

Buy his food;
take care of our baby;
(I wonder if he understands
half of her is his;)
If only I had a boy,
he would be happier.

He grants his thanks;
nary a nice word,
nor a surprise of flowers.

But that's not all I do:

I work two jobs,
and go to school part-time too.

If I ask him for help,
he tells me, it my job;

We argue, I give in
and do what I asked him to;

I'm so tired at the end of the day,
and crawl into bed for some needed sleep;
However, he wants, and I say no;
he whines and tells me
I am not being fair to him;

I give in and hope I haven't
forgotten my pill this morning;
After emptying himself into me,
he grunts thanks
and goes to sleep.

As I fall asleep, filled with him,
I wonder why
why am I so empty?

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Dreams Ended

Dreams of a lifetime suddenly ended.

Dreams of family are no more.

A lifetime cut short.

Family in tears.

I know you are in tears,

Even if they do not fall from your eyes.

What can I say to make you feel better?

To wipe away pain that will never really disappear?

I want to say something, but what can I say?

I can think of nothing to say.

Thoughts of your sibling exists only

as a statistic. They deserve better.

So I would like to listen to you.

Hear you talk about them.

So they are real to me.

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The Victim

The victim was murdered.
The detective asked, "What happened?"
At first no one answered.
Then someone said, "Nothing happened."
Everyone said, "Nothing happened."
The detective wrote nothing happened.
The victim was buried.

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Poetry and More

My blog will mainly be to publish my poetry. I do have a few stories in mind too. I occassionally will post something that is not either of them. Of course this may change in time, but that is for the future. Everything here, unless otherwise noted, is published under the following Creative Common License:

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