I am a Good Girl

I am a good girl, so I tell him no.

Even if I want to make love to him,

I always tell him no at first

before I say yes or give in.

He is here with me and the pattern is repeating.

I do not know why I feel so hollow, so empty inside.

All I want to do is make him happy,

but what about my happiness?

I hear myself tell me

your happiness is to make him happy

because you are a good girl.

Part of me rebels at that thought.

My rebellious part tells me my happiness is to make me happy.

But I feel pain and loneliness in those words, so I push that thought away.

He wants to go further than I want to, but I let him to make him happy.

I can see his happiness as we make love.

To keep him happy, I fake mine

for I am a good girl.

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Happy to See Him

I am happy to see him.

I know he loves me,

and I love him.

He makes me happy.

I talk and listen to him

before I kiss him.

That is all I want.

I feel his hands are on part of my body

that I would rather he not touch,

so I push them away.

This happens a few times

before he whines a please

and a let me make you happy.

He tries again, so I make him happy.

It goes on this way till we have done it all.

At last, it is time for him to leave

so I hear him tell me an answer

that he never asked the question to.

I hear him tell me "I am glad you enjoyed it"

as he leaves for maybe the last time.

I was happy to see him; however,

I am happier to see him go.

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Over

The crisis has past; it is over.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

I cannot wait to see you again,

give you hug, tell you I love you,

and appreciate you for being there for me.

I breathe another sigh of relief.

The crisis has past; it is over -

For Now.

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Stop

Stop, I want to stop; however, I feel as I cannot.
I must do what you want; I have no choice,
even though fear fills every pore of my body.

So I go forward, against my better judgment,
for I feel that forward is the only option.
My body trembles with anxiety.

I want to stop so bad - so bad that is hurts,
yet I feel I cannot, so I get lost in my head.
Thus hopelessness is the only emotion my body feels.

Then I do what you want, and all blows up in my face.
You yell at me for things beyond what I should know.
My body cries silently for years and years.

I so wish I could go back in time,
and to the point where I was, but this time
I would say stop, stop, stop. no, No, NO.

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A Path of Life

My legs get heavier as I walk the path.
A path that I thought would be good,
but has turned out to be muddy.

And the mud is getting thicker,
so my legs become more tired.
I could blame myself
or someone else, but no one,
no one is at fault.

This path I thought would be good for me,
but it is not turning out that way. And so,
I may be forced off the path that I chose.

However, new paths are scary and often rewarding,
or at least learning experiences.
In life, some paths are best left behind,
so reflecting on them is the best that I can do.

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What Else ...?

I'm pregnant I tell you and smile

You smile back, give me a chaste kiss,

and tell me you are happy.

It's what we wanted;

Our minds agree we have done the right thing.

Yet, when you suggested to me some months

before I graduated high school that

we should have a baby, I told you no.

But not long after graduation, I changed my mind.

So now I am expecting and looking forward

to the baby with me that I allowed you to create.

My mind is happy, and I continue to smile.

However, deep in my mind the answer of nothing

lies within; but the question to the answer,

I dare not ask myself now. Maybe NEVER ask myself!

Now that I have graduated high school with

no jobs prospects nor any more schooling desired,

I do not ask myself:

What else was there to do?

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No, I am not.

No I am not.
Yes, you are.

I am not!
But you have...

No, I cannot be.
enough symptoms...

stop! stop! stop!
to show you are.

I do not want to be.
I am here for you.

I really do not.
You are ok.

But I am.
A smile for you.

I am scared.
I care for you.

Yes, I am ok.
Hug you tight.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.