Walking a tight rope,

Wondering which way will I go.

which way will give me hope,

so i take it slow.

I breathe deep and feel my balance

walking ahead toward the end.

I get in a trance

and in the wind, I do not fall or break, but bend.





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Hope Dashed?

Made a mistake.

Waiting to see if the other shoe will drop.

Wondering if my heart will ache.

Lost it over the final flop.

Hopes dashed?

Did my best?

But is all crashed?

or will my fears be laid to rest?





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Hoof Beats

I hear 16 hoof beats coming in my direction.

12 of them I ignore, but four I focus on.

Wondering if should not oppose the the swing of the scythe.

I will be taken by that instrument one day, but now?

Now, when I feel no hope inside of the blackness I am in.

I am tempted to go with those four hoof beats.

The four hoof beats are coming closer, closer, closer.

Inside the blackness of my hopelessness, I await.

I feel the four hoof beats upon me.

I feel the scythe swinging toward me.

Then  I step back in hope.

And hear the fading hoof beats galloping on.

Things may be black, but not totally.

So I am happy to have stepped back this time.

THIS TIME.




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Him or Her?

He said ....

She said ....

Each told me the opposite of what the other said.

I like them and want to believe both their stories.

But how can both be true? 

Are both wrong?

Are they embellished to make themselves look better or the other worse?

Each want me to side with them.

Do I side with her or him?

Why do I only have these two choices?

Why cannot I see that I have another choice.

I can stay neutral and be there for both of them.

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I am a Good Girl - Five Years Later

Five years have gone by and much has changed.

I am almost finished with college.

It has not been easy with my daughter.

I was such a "good girl" then.

I needed to be that because otherwise,

I would have been a "bad girl".

"Good girl" or "bad girl" the choice was easy to make.

So I let him do what he wanted with my body

because being a "good girl" was who I was,

and a "good girl" will always please her partner.

That's what I believed then.

I had unprotected sex, and then a baby

because that is what he wanted, not me.

However, I had to be a "good girl".

During my pregnancy, I began to stand up to him

for now it was not just about him and me.

And after she was born, I stood up to him even more.

I fought more and more with him, so eventually, I told him bye.

Really, I did not want her, but she has taught me something

that I will treasure and teach her.

I will teach her to that she does not have to be a .good girl".

Instead, she can say stand up for herself, say no and mean it!

and still be a Good Girl.

.

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I am a Good Girl

I am a good girl, so I tell him no.

Even if I want to make love to him,

I always tell him no at first

before I say yes or give in.

He is here with me and the pattern is repeating.

I do not know why I feel so hollow, so empty inside.

All I want to do is make him happy,

but what about my happiness?

I hear myself tell me

your happiness is to make him happy

because you are a good girl.

Part of me rebels at that thought.

My rebellious part tells me my happiness is to make me happy.

But I feel pain and loneliness in those words, so I push that thought away.

He wants to go further than I want to, but I let him to make him happy.

I can see his happiness as we make love.

To keep him happy, I fake mine

for I am a good girl.

.

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Happy to See Him

I am happy to see him.

I know he loves me,

and I love him.

He makes me happy.

I talk and listen to him

before I kiss him.

That is all I want.

I feel his hands are on part of my body

that I would rather he not touch,

so I push them away.

This happens a few times

before he whines a please

and a let me make you happy.

He tries again, so I make him happy.

It goes on this way till we have done it all.

At last, it is time for him to leave

so I hear him tell me an answer

that he never asked the question to.

I hear him tell me "I am glad you enjoyed it"

as he leaves for maybe the last time.

I was happy to see him; however,

I am happier to see him go.

.

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