My Way

Going back to my mom, which is what I wanted.

I was saying my last good-byes to a special friend

who helped me get out of here.

Here where dad wanted me, and controlled me, or so he thought

for he had taught me well, and I learned well from the master.

He wanted me to to smile and be lady-like, so I did.

It made him happy.

Always I kept my front up even in front of my special friend,

except when we were alone in private.

He was so lonely, so desperate for someone;

He loved me, and I loved him for what I needed him for.

He was nervous at first, but I told him if he loved me,

he would do it my way, so he gave freely without care.

When he did, he saw a big smile for him on my face.

Eventually a chain reaction was set in motion.

The end result was that I was here,

going back to mom. I was happy.

Time to go; I say bye.

As I go to through security to my jet,

I wonder two things: if he has realized

that not everything I was carrying could be seen,

and also how long should I carry the unseen baggage.

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The Meal

The Meal


Tonight is the night that I will finally do it.

Finally sleep with my bf.

I feel nervous, happy, anxious.

A long time I have put him off, but no longer.

He comes over, and I make dinner for us.

Wash the dishes and sharp knives and put the in the rack.

My pretty pink rack that I will not change for him.

After dinner, he leads me to the couch where we make out

as the tv drones on in the background.

Finally it is time and he leads me to my bedroom.

He's been so patient with me;

waiting for me to say yes.

I love his patience; I never thought he would stay with me.

He takes his time and makes me feel good.

Eventually we come together and it feels good.

I am glad I waited for him..

I tell him he made me feel good.

He smiles and tells me has something to tell me.

I smile when he tells me that.

I dream of a ring on my finger.

He tells me that he's moving to Anchorage.

I say nothing. Wondering....wondering....

Will he ask me to go with him?

Instead he tells me that he do not want to be a father now.

I tell him I do not want to be a mother now.

I feel happy that he does not want to pressure me about having kids.

Then he tells me he did not use a condom.

I freeze. I feel fear, then scared, then anger

all the while wondering will this get me pregnant?

So, a plan forms in my mind.

I smile sweetly asking him if he is hungry.

He replies that he is, so I get up to make him another meal

and walk with him to the kitchen.

We go to the sink where he asks me what am I making.

Sweetly smiling, I tell him what I will make for him:

MC Pig's Rocky Mountain Oysters,

while reaching for the knife that I will use to get the oysters.

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Our Friendship Is Short of Time

I love to hear your voice, to listen to you talk.
Often after hanging up, I feel better.
And you tell me you feel the same.

I hope to meet you one day, but time is short.
Our friendship will not far off, be just a memory.
A memory in me, for life is short for you.

Much younger you are, but life's final chapter
is facing you squarely. No way to hide,
no way to avoid it. Sometimes, I cry inside.

I would love to meet you and see your smile,
then give you a great big hug, and then
get one of each from you.

We have talked about meeting, but money,
like our time of friendship, is short.
Therefore, we strive to enjoy what we have.

Hence, we want to enjoy our friendship,
so I will listen to you and help you,
as you will listen to me and help me.

You are and have been a great friend,
even though our friendship has not been long.
But it has been good for me and you.

Yet even though our friendship is short of time
here on earth, you will continue to live
in my heart, so our friendship will go on.

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What Should I Keep?

I have traveled long, and I am weary.
I come to a bridge that I must cross,
but the bridge guard bids me to halt.
"If you want to cross the bridge,
you must give up everything,
but one thing", the guard says.

"But what if I want to keep more", I ask.
Only one thing is the reply.
I feel sad that I will have to give up
the possessions that I treasure.

Maybe I will not make a decision,
but instead just outwait the guard.
Then I reflect on the bones that I saw
of those who just sit and sit,
awaiting the external guard to leave.

I sigh and reflect on What should I keep?
Hmmm...my computer, which is used a lot.
Or maybe my cell phone, which I am glad to have.
How about my favorite book that I love to reread,
or maybe my favorite pink that I won.

Hmm...what about a gun with a bullet or maybe a rope.

However, I reflect some more and realize
that those are mere possessions.

That maybe who and not what is important.
So I reflect on my family, my parents and sibs.
Then I reflect on my long separated spouse,
who I still love from afar.

Who should I choose and why?

Would it be fair to pick only one person

and leave the others behind.

As I ponder who or maybe what, I look around.

Some just sitting there with forlorn looks.

I see some who cross sadly;

an occasional person crosses contently.

"Why are they so content?"

The thought circles around in my head.

I get up and walk around and sit back down.

All the while reflecting on "What should I keep?"

At long last, a decision comes that makes me smile.

I tell the guard, who smiles at my decision.

I cross the bridge happily with my one possession.

A possession that I can never lose,

unless I lose it. Even then, I can still get it back.

It will never die nor run away for it is mine.

From this springs all that I had and will have again.

I feel so happy for I kept hope.

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Towards the Light

Out, out of the tunnel
and in the light.

It feels strange
not being in the dark.

The darkness was my security;
its hopelessness was my friend.

But as friends go,
it was fickle.

It wanted what it wanted,
and gave nothing back really.

Like an energy-vampire, it drained me,
and then complained there was nothing left.

However, no matter how dark it was
I believed there was light ahead.

So onward my legs went.
Sometimes slow; sometimes fast.

They went forward in the direction
of the light to the end of the darkness.

My fickle friend was scared,
and its fear scared me.

Yet neither its fear
nor my fear stopped me.

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Reality?

Things are not the same,
yet they are.

Sometimes dizziness is sanity -
spin around and around.

Pull inward.
Pull outward.

Focus on reality,
but what is reality.

Reality as it was
is not reality as it is.

To be happy in reality,
hope must exist inside of it.

Hope springs eternal,
so how deep is its well?

Sameness, diziness, in and out,
Focus reality, and hope.

They exist at the same time -
inside, competing, fighting, and directionless.

Direction, which way?
Just go, it does not matter.

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Risk

Alone, yet not.
People around me, yet no one to talk to.
Isolated in a box that no one can see
nor I know how to open.

Silent screams echo in my head,
reverberating constantly.
No one hears them; not even I.

Starting anew this is to expected.
The old life was safe and secure,
but it was a dead end.

Risk taking is hard and not always rewarding;
however, without risk, life is boring and dull.
Riskless life becomes an ever darkening black.

Because of a change, new doors open,
and old ones close.
At times, the old ones may be wished upon;
nevertheless, they are better off closed.

A whiteness appears as new doors open
and excitement and joy live again.
Wonderment over what will come,
and what will be.

For new doors are best opened slowly
and the newness appreciated,
so the past can be remembered
while risks are taken.

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