Friday, February 26, 2016

The Light

The light feels so warm, so comforting.

Too often I have searched for it outside of me.

However, the light always exists inside of me.

It has never gone out.

Just been covered by the darkness that was comforting.

The darkness comforts me with unchanging security.

The light comforts me with hope.  

Hope is comforting because it helps me to change.

Change for the better that continues

Continues to keep the darkness within me away,

and keep the light with me burning bright.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Daylight Coming

Breaking apart;

Finally, the darkness of fear is breaking apart.

Shattered is my heart;

like Humpty Dumpty it cannot be put together the same.

But it can be put together differently.

How will it though?

The process is difficult.

My heart wants to mend.

Scared of the unknown it has.

The unknown has more blackness.

Nevertheless daylight is at the end of this journey.

My heart will enjoy it and feel lighter.




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Sunday, December 27, 2015

Questions?

Why do I get snappish when there is no need?

Is it my disability?

Is it learned from growing up?

Is it both?

How do I catch myself before I do it?

What is my trigger?

Money?

Control?

Both?

Other?

Is it necessary to know that?

What is necessary to know?

Everything?

Nothing?

Somewhere in-between?

Inner peace, will it ever be mine?

Am I just overthinking?

Do I just need to take a deep breath and move forward?


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Thursday, November 26, 2015

Tell Me

Yes? No? Yes? No? Yes? No?

I do not know; tell me.

Tell me! Tell me!

Do not ask me.

I want what you want.

A mistake? Making one?

No, do not want to.

So tell me.

What?! Why would you ask me that?

You know the risk.

Yes, I did tell you to tell me what to do.

And should I do it?

I do not know.

Tell me what to do,

and I will do it,

even if I do not want to.



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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

What's Left of Me?

Everything is what I gave you,

but what do I have left?

Nothing, except an empty void.

All my security is gone.

and nothing is left.

An empty shell of me exists.

Why do I find it so hard to draw a line?

To say no in a polite way, and stick to it.

To tell you, let's look at the budget;

see what we can afford.

When in bed, I let you please yourself

and not me: I just feel scared.

What would happen if I said no,

and kept saying no?

Don't know as I was not raised that way.

Maybe I should stick up for me.

To say NO and mean NO.

but can I do it?

With what is left of me?




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Thursday, September 24, 2015

Staying Together - Part 1

The first secret to staying together is just listen to her:

whether she is exploding in anger or want to discuss something uncomfortable to you.

Stay silent and listen.

Listen to her.

Listen to what is correct, admit it and resolve to do better.

And mean it!

Listen to what you disagree with to discuss it later.

And do it!

Listen without judgment.

For love to flourish, listening to the good and the bad must be heard.




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Friday, August 7, 2015

Invisible Walls

Within my invisible walls I feel safe.

They are strong, but I feel lonely.

Bad girl, bad girl, bad girl echos through my head.

Looks into the closet for what to wear.

Feeling like something real sexy for bf.

A movie of his is waiting for me to watch him to walk out of the movie

and whisk me away from my life in his arms.

He is safe, unlike my last ex who left me in handcuffs.

Looking in the closet, for something other than the over sized clothes I normally wear,

a front zipped striped bandeau tube top is looking forlorn 

It barely fits over my nipples, but my bf will like the view. 

Next I find a micro mini skirt that I have not worn since losing weight.

It hangs loosely on me, but my bf will like that too.

They are both sky blue hemmed with  peacock blue thread. 

His latest movie starts and my bf is sitting next to me,

waiting till the end of the movie to take me away. 

Suddenly about ten minutes into the movie, a knock and a friendly, familiar hello.

I stand behind the door and peek around it to see my next door neighbor.

Since his girlfriend left him 3 plus years ago, he stays home except when he visits me.

(and yes, i will sometimes visit him, but we are just friends.) 

"Can I come in he asks?" he asks.

Unsure, I look back at my bf who has left  me alone - all alone. 

No, not alone, no, so I tell him to come in. 

He tries unsuccessfully to look me in the eyes.

We sit on the couch, and rehash the same things over that we have told each other before.

His eyes bounce between looking into my eyes and 30 cm down.  

It feels nice to have someone look at me.

Subconsciously, passion starts stirring; fear starts receding. 

Chatting starts to get awkward as nothing new to tell. 

And he is getting ready to say goodbye I fear, so I move closer to him, and he reciprocates.

Passion keeps increasing; fear keeps decreasing.

He runs his hands up and down my arms.

Taking his hands, I place them on my breasts.

He gently squeezes them as my eyes close.

Feels so good to have them touched by another's hands.

I do not resist or say no as he unzips my tube top and drops it on the floor.

Opening my eyes, I see how much he is like me. 

Our lips meet, and I let him push me back as we kiss.

As we kiss our hands explore, and his shirt goes down to the floor.

Passion increases as fear decreases.

Kissing, touching, nibbling, and licking all over increases desire.

Eventually all of our clothes are on the floor.

Whispers in your ear that you make me feel so good, 

and you whisper back, you are good.

I Looking into his eyes, I tell him I want him; he tells me I want you.

We share our bodies, so there is no distance between them. 

Fluids exchanged with pleasure. 

Good girl, good girl, good girl echos through my head.

Passion reaches its peak; fear bottoms out.

Lying together afterwards; neither of us can believe it.

Shock and happiness mixed together.

Wondering what to say next.

He gets up and gets dressed.

"Where are you going?"

"Have to leave. Bye." and with a smile to me, he exits through the front door.

After putting my panties on, I go to my room and look for some over-sized clothes.

Bad girl, bad girl, bad girl echos through my head.

My invisible walls are shattered.

I start rebuilding them.