Unconsciously

Without conscious knowing, I feel the hole within me.

Pain is in it, but I block it out;

Lonely, so lonely, radiates out of the hole.

Ignoring that feeling instead of exploring it,

letting you touch me to cover that hole;

Feeling your hands under my clothes before they are removed.

Unconsciously, the hole is papered over;

Pain does not seep out; it feels good.

Touching each other skin-to-skin.

Wanting you but do not know why;

Just know I do because feeling happier.

Random thoughts of was one taken this morning or yesterday?

Neither of us has one? That's ok

Do not know and do not care.

Smiling at you; at what we are doing.

The pain pushes to get out.

Pushed back by my happiness,

We get as close as possible,

and I happily accept your gift.

Afterwards, lying next to you, happiness fills me;

but the paper starts to tear and the pain slowly slinks out.

Happiness is slowly disappearing till next time




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Why?

Why cannot I fit in?

Why do I not understand what goes on around me?

Why do you love me for me?

I do love you.

You love me back unconditionally.

I am so unused to that.

You make me feel like I fit in.

You make me understand what goes on around me.

You love me for me.

Still a hole exists in my soul.

Your love covers it.

It keeps me from getting lost in there

Now I just want to go with you:

Walk in the sun together holding hands,

and not worrying about answers to my questions.

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Yes, Dear

That is all you want to hear.

That I agree with you.

While you gulp your latest beer,

and call me by a moo.

Yes, dear.

You, I fear.

Though that I never say-

even in bed -

where I let you have your way.

Yes, dear started out as a joke,

a fun thing

and I even accepted a ring.

However, my spirit broke,

and it became the standard reply,

and in silence I cry.

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My Choice

My choice, it is MY CHOICE!

What you want does not matter now.

You never cared for what I wanted before;

Only for what you wanted.

So now, I have a decision to make.

Make without your input and advice.

And I will choose what is best for me.

FOR ME, not you.

Why does it matter now for you?

When it never did before?

You just wanted your fun without asking me.

You used me, and I am paying the price.

The price for not standing up for myself.

For not walking out without saying good-bye.

I will do fine without you.

Without your input, I will make my choice.



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Warmth

I live in darkness,

yet I see it not.

The darkness is my friend,

yet is lacks compassion.

My friend envelops me,

and I find that comforting.

Me who is alone,

even with my friend.

Alone in the world,

which is full of people

The world beckons warmth,

which I pretend to have.

The warmth is light,

and I see it.

The light makes me happy,

so towards it I go.

Happy I feel,

for a change that feels good.




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Dark Sunshine

Hiding, Hiding, Hiding,

yet not realizing it.

I imagine I am in the sun;

Smiling, smiles of empty joy.

In darkness, I live and smile,

no one can see me smile -

especially me.

But the sun that I created warms me with cold;

Cold in darkness that does not warmly shine.

To me it does as I continue to fool myself;

reality distorts and I am emptily happy.

One door, maybe more, lead out into true sunshine,

and I wait for them to open.

They remain closed for I only wait

and never take the initiative.





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Life and Love

Love is so sweet

Life shines brighter

Birds and bees sound clearer

The sun warms me all over

Your touch excites me

Your smile brightens my day

Your eyes melt into mine

I just cuddle with you

Time passes happily

Life is complete

Nothing more is needed

Nothing more is wanted

Smiles on both sides






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