First Date with the Hunk

I do not have much, but the hunk has asked me out.

Finally, the doorbell rings

I anxiously answer the door. :)

'Hello Rex.'  I smile and almost squeal with delight.

'Hello there,' he replies with a smile and asks if I am ready.

'I am' and then we are off.

'We're we going?' I ask.

'Just see some nature.'

I smile and just relax and watch the town become woods on either side.

We go about 10 miles from town and park in a wooded area

Staying in the car, I roll down my window and listen to the crickets and other sounds.

I look out the passenger window and look into the woods.

This is nice I tell him.

He moves closer to me and start to wrap his arms around me.

Feels good until his hands stop on my breasts.

'No' I tell him, so he drops his hands lower.

'NO, NO, NO,' I tell him and turn to face him

'Why not? Everyone else is doing it!' is the reply

'Then find everyone else and do her,' is my angrily reply.

'Put out or get out' is the reply.

I get out and start walking to home.

'What are you doing?' is an astonished reply.

'I do not have much, but I got myself respect, and I am not giving it away to you.'

I say to myself as much as to him.

With each step, the town gets closer.

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Trust?

Trust, I want to trust you so much.

To be held in your strong arms,

and made to feel safe and secure.

Yet, I feel wary of trusting you,

of trusting anyone, of trusting myself.

How can I trust myself, trust anyone, trust you?

Maybe I will make a mistake again.

Will you be a mistake?

Maybe you will hurt me?

Maybe, my love, you will hurt me?

Should I take down my walls?

Be vulnerable for you to love?

or to exploit?

I want one, but am afraid of the other.

Which one do I want, and which one am I afraid of?

you ask me.

I do not know is the reply.






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Unconsciously

Without conscious knowing, I feel the hole within me.

Pain is in it, but I block it out;

Lonely, so lonely, radiates out of the hole.

Ignoring that feeling instead of exploring it,

letting you touch me to cover that hole;

Feeling your hands under my clothes before they are removed.

Unconsciously, the hole is papered over;

Pain does not seep out; it feels good.

Touching each other skin-to-skin.

Wanting you but do not know why;

Just know I do because feeling happier.

Random thoughts of was one taken this morning or yesterday?

Neither of us has one? That's ok

Do not know and do not care.

Smiling at you; at what we are doing.

The pain pushes to get out.

Pushed back by my happiness,

We get as close as possible,

and I happily accept your gift.

Afterwards, lying next to you, happiness fills me;

but the paper starts to tear and the pain slowly slinks out.

Happiness is slowly disappearing till next time




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Why?

Why cannot I fit in?

Why do I not understand what goes on around me?

Why do you love me for me?

I do love you.

You love me back unconditionally.

I am so unused to that.

You make me feel like I fit in.

You make me understand what goes on around me.

You love me for me.

Still a hole exists in my soul.

Your love covers it.

It keeps me from getting lost in there

Now I just want to go with you:

Walk in the sun together holding hands,

and not worrying about answers to my questions.

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Yes, Dear

That is all you want to hear.

That I agree with you.

While you gulp your latest beer,

and call me by a moo.

Yes, dear.

You, I fear.

Though that I never say-

even in bed -

where I let you have your way.

Yes, dear started out as a joke,

a fun thing

and I even accepted a ring.

However, my spirit broke,

and it became the standard reply,

and in silence I cry.

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My Choice

My choice, it is MY CHOICE!

What you want does not matter now.

You never cared for what I wanted before;

Only for what you wanted.

So now, I have a decision to make.

Make without your input and advice.

And I will choose what is best for me.

FOR ME, not you.

Why does it matter now for you?

When it never did before?

You just wanted your fun without asking me.

You used me, and I am paying the price.

The price for not standing up for myself.

For not walking out without saying good-bye.

I will do fine without you.

Without your input, I will make my choice.



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Warmth

I live in darkness,

yet I see it not.

The darkness is my friend,

yet is lacks compassion.

My friend envelops me,

and I find that comforting.

Me who is alone,

even with my friend.

Alone in the world,

which is full of people

The world beckons warmth,

which I pretend to have.

The warmth is light,

and I see it.

The light makes me happy,

so towards it I go.

Happy I feel,

for a change that feels good.




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