Who am I?

You run my life too much.

I need some space from you.

 Space to find out who I am.

 Space to be myself .

How I want to be what you want me to be.

But that is false.

A false version of me.

What is the real version of me?

I do not know.

I want to find out.

I will find out.

I am me.

Whoever I am.

 

 

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Shame And Rage

 How could you?

I loved to listen to what you had to say.

I learned and listened to you.

Wondering what it would be like to meet you,

to spend time with you.a

I imagined I would feel safe with you

Then I heard what you did to them,

and it triggered my feelings of shame and rage.

The latter staying mostly buried;

The former keeping me silent.

Part of me is happy never to have meet you;

Part of me wants to take out my rage on you.

If I had met you, would you have increased my shame?

Would my buried rage have increased?

I have no answer. 

I just have to work on myself:

letting go of my shame and rage.

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Walls Down

 I am told I should love you

but I do not.

I do not hate you

but I do not hate you.

You were their physically

but never emotionally.

I suffered the abuse in silence

just stuffing it in.

Setting up walls to protect me

Walls that block out love.

Not learning how to love

Learning fear and self-loathing

They are my friends

Warning me about the world.

telling me to stay safe

so I stay in my box

I am safe 

Not happy though.

Walls are comforting

but lonely.

 

Learning to move on

 It is hard.

I can do it

Either alone or with you. 

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The Neighbor

 The neighbor was so nice at first

Showing me love that I never had

But I was so naive

I was just a fly landing on their web

I so needed real love

but not the abuse that followed

Not the fake love

Nor the promises 

Fake promises that you loved me

that you cared about me

that I was yours

and you were mine

I was never truly yours

Just a toy to use

 for your pleasure

Not for mine

I walked away one day

Hardly saw you after that

But emotional is different

I still carry you with me

 

I dance around a word

It describes what you did

Betrayed

You betrayed me

I did not betray myself

YOU BETRAYED ME

I did nothing wrong

You did something wrong

 

I need to move on 

To drop my anger at myself

for I did nothing wrong

I was the abused

 

 You were the abuser

You were the adult

I was a kid

who just wanted love

All I wanted was love and be loved

To feel that their was someone there for me

 Someone who genuinely cared about me

Nothing more, nothing less

I have questions for you

that can never be answered

But really I  need to move on

to accept my love for myself

How do I do that though

 Instead of focusing on hurt

Change to what I can do

Focus on loving myself

 

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Only Talking, Never Walking

 

 Letting go of the past

I need to do it

I talk about it

Never do it

Talk the talk

Never walk the walk

Pretend all is ok

The world around me crumbles

Losing what I love

Not doing anything

except talking

never walking

Why do I hold on

to that which hurts me

just talking

never walking

What can I do to move on

I never really ask myself that

Not in a serious manner

To really reflect on how to move on

I focus on self-hate

Not on self-love

Hate keeps me talking

Love would keep me walking

I need to decide now

Do keep hating

Or start walking

 My choice to follow

I want to walk

To act on

Not think about

Walk in self-love

 

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Middle Ground

Feel so lost

Want to control everything 

Want to control nothing

 Where is the middle ground?

You will do want I want
I will do what you want

Where is the middle ground? 

Go forward

Go back

Where is the middle ground?

I have to find it

I can find it

Where is the middle ground?

When to control

When to not control

Where is the middle ground?

I have to search

Not depend on someone else

Where is the middle ground?





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Thank You

Thank you for teaching me how to live

Thank you for opening my eyes to a different world

Thank you for getting me to start smelling the roses

Thank you for showing me a different path

Thank you for caring about me

Thank you for being there for me

Thank you for standing up to me

Thank you for loving me





This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.