Be Me

 Dad

I got to quit carrying you.

You failed in so many ways.

You could never be there for me.

  I wanted you to be there for me,

but you never could. 

I need to accept that and go forward.

You never tried to meet me where I needed to be met.

You wanted to me to you at where you wanted me to meet you.

I am still trying to meet you there, even though, you passed years ago.

I need to go forward on my own without carrying you.

Put you on the side of the road, little by little.

Walk with my shoulders and head high, 

looking forward to the future with you behind me.

I can do it.

I will do it.

I can be me. 

Be what I want to be,

who I want to be.

 

Scared

 Scared: 

I am so scared.

Scared of change.

Scared of the unknown. 

I want to control.

I wish to change life to how I want it.

But life does not work like that.

We have to bend.

We have to change directions.

Lose things we want at times.

 Lose things we have at times.

Life is about change.

Adapting to change.

Moving on and not giving up.

It is so hard at times.

But life is ok.

As long as the moving on continues.

 

One Step

 Resilience keeps me going;

however, fatigue sets in.

I do not want to give up,

yet I do not move forward.

It's ok if I am.

I need to keep going even step.

And the next comes a day or a week later.

Moving on no matter how slow is good.

Going to fast is not good as too much I miss.

I am ok.  

Breathe deep.

Remember to give myself a hug.

Then move on one step at a time. 

The Crumbling Dam

 Water is pushing against the dam.

A dam that I built to protect myself.

However, it is now starting to crack.

I want to patch up the dam.

Make it like it was.

But the water composed of my emotions is relentless.

It is slowly undermining the dam.

Once it breaks, I will be better off,

Then my emotions can flow, instead of being held back.

Held back and ignored like I was taught to do.

The lake behind the dam does not exist.

But it does.

I need not fear the crumbling of the dam.

I should embrace it.

I should feel the water flow.

I should feel my emotions.

Then I can learn to accept who I am.

Believe?

 

Feels as if I am always wrong.

Always wrong.

But I am not, but I believe it.

Even though it is not true.

Is it because of my disability, my growing up, something else, or a combination of them?

I do not know.

I wish is did.

I just want to feel ok.

 To feel that; to feel ok and believe it.

Why is that so hard to do?

I just want to believe in me.

That's all.

Boundaries

 Boundaries are to protect oneself.

Yet I have so much problem setting them.

And that is ok.

What is important though is to learn to set them.

To make mistakes and. not beat myself up over them.

But to learn from the mistakes.

That way boundries can be set.

Then I will be happy;

living a life that makes me feel good inside.

Because of a boundary that I set for me.

Why, why, why?

 Why, Why, Why?

Why, Why?

Why are you. never here?

Physically yes, but emotionally no.

Why, why, why?

Why, Why?

Why no affection?

I just want a hug, but none comes.

Why, why, why?

Why, Why?

Why are you so aloof?

You are there, but cannot be reached.

Why, Why, Why?

Why, Why?

Why do you keep me at arms length?

I watch, but you never teach me.

Why, why, why?

Why, why?

Why do you never reach out to me?

You are like a ghost to be seen, but not touched.

Why, Why, Why?

Why, why?

Why do my feelings get ignored?

I want you here, but you can never be.

Why, why, why?

Never There

Where are you?

I am little and alone

You are there, but not.

I want you here.

You remain aloof.

I am lonely.

You are never there.

I grow up feeling bad.

You are satisfied.

 

Light

 Light is there.

Often I choose focus on the blackness instead.

I sink into holes then.

Holes without light.

That is what I tell myself.

However, light is there.

I just have to look outward.

Outward to see the light.

Light that is hope.

Light that is warmth.

Light that is always there.

Focus on them three.

For they are all parts of the light.

I love you.

But I have never told you that.

Nor have I ever kissed you.

 My head resting on your chest.

My left ear hearing your heartbeat.

Been so hurt in my past.

Afraid to move on.

Yet feeling wanting to be naked with you.

Our bodies joined together.

Wrapping my body around yours.

Feel a squeeze.

My head raises.

There is my Adonis

Smile back at him.

Being teased to kiss him.

Touching our lips together.

We kiss.

Not stopping until we both are relaxed.

Lying next to each other skin to skin.

Smiling at him.

Then my heart says 'I love you.'

 

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Forward

 Go for it!

No, do not.

Yes do it?

No, I am scared.

It's ok to feel scared.

Hold back.

No, I will not!

Do not move forward.

I will move forward.

Please do not.

No, my choice it to move forward!

Feel the fear.

The fear will empower me to move forward.

Please.

I am scared, but advancing.

Help me, please?

I will; here is my hand.

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Together

 Breathing slows down to normal.

Reflection sets in as I look at his face.

'I did not plan on this.'

From his expression and nod,

 neither did he.

' I do not know what happened.

My emotions got the best of me'

'Me too' he says quietly.

'What if I...'

He puts a finger on my lips.

 I listen to him.

'Thank you for saying that.'

Welcome is his reply.

I  do not feel so alone now.

We are in this together.

We get dressed and go for walk,

enjoying the day together.

Letting the future take care of itself.

 

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Finding Happiness

 You have controlled me for so long,

for too long.,

 At last I am breaking the bonds,

that you have wrapped me in.

You are scared and that's ok,

for I am more than you.

I am not sure who I am exactly,

but I will find out.

I will be me,

all the good and not so good parts.

I will embrace them them all 

and find happiness.

You can walk my path with me,

or without me.

The choice is yours to decide,

 but do not take too long.

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Who am I?

You run my life too much.

I need some space from you.

 Space to find out who I am.

 Space to be myself .

How I want to be what you want me to be.

But that is false.

A false version of me.

What is the real version of me?

I do not know.

I want to find out.

I will find out.

I am me.

Whoever I am.

 

 

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Shame And Rage

 How could you?

I loved to listen to what you had to say.

I learned and listened to you.

Wondering what it would be like to meet you,

to spend time with you.a

I imagined I would feel safe with you

Then I heard what you did to them,

and it triggered my feelings of shame and rage.

The latter staying mostly buried;

The former keeping me silent.

Part of me is happy never to have meet you;

Part of me wants to take out my rage on you.

If I had met you, would you have increased my shame?

Would my buried rage have increased?

I have no answer. 

I just have to work on myself:

letting go of my shame and rage.

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Walls Down

 I am told I should love you

but I do not.

I do not hate you

but I do not hate you.

You were their physically

but never emotionally.

I suffered the abuse in silence

just stuffing it in.

Setting up walls to protect me

Walls that block out love.

Not learning how to love

Learning fear and self-loathing

They are my friends

Warning me about the world.

telling me to stay safe

so I stay in my box

I am safe 

Not happy though.

Walls are comforting

but lonely.

 

Learning to move on

 It is hard.

I can do it

Either alone or with you. 

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The Neighbor

 The neighbor was so nice at first

Showing me love that I never had

But I was so naive

I was just a fly landing on their web

I so needed real love

but not the abuse that followed

Not the fake love

Nor the promises 

Fake promises that you loved me

that you cared about me

that I was yours

and you were mine

I was never truly yours

Just a toy to use

 for your pleasure

Not for mine

I walked away one day

Hardly saw you after that

But emotional is different

I still carry you with me

 

I dance around a word

It describes what you did

Betrayed

You betrayed me

I did not betray myself

YOU BETRAYED ME

I did nothing wrong

You did something wrong

 

I need to move on 

To drop my anger at myself

for I did nothing wrong

I was the abused

 

 You were the abuser

You were the adult

I was a kid

who just wanted love

All I wanted was love and be loved

To feel that their was someone there for me

 Someone who genuinely cared about me

Nothing more, nothing less

I have questions for you

that can never be answered

But really I  need to move on

to accept my love for myself

How do I do that though

 Instead of focusing on hurt

Change to what I can do

Focus on loving myself

 

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Only Talking, Never Walking

 

 Letting go of the past

I need to do it

I talk about it

Never do it

Talk the talk

Never walk the walk

Pretend all is ok

The world around me crumbles

Losing what I love

Not doing anything

except talking

never walking

Why do I hold on

to that which hurts me

just talking

never walking

What can I do to move on

I never really ask myself that

Not in a serious manner

To really reflect on how to move on

I focus on self-hate

Not on self-love

Hate keeps me talking

Love would keep me walking

I need to decide now

Do keep hating

Or start walking

 My choice to follow

I want to walk

To act on

Not think about

Walk in self-love

 

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Middle Ground

Feel so lost

Want to control everything 

Want to control nothing

 Where is the middle ground?

You will do want I want
I will do what you want

Where is the middle ground? 

Go forward

Go back

Where is the middle ground?

I have to find it

I can find it

Where is the middle ground?

When to control

When to not control

Where is the middle ground?

I have to search

Not depend on someone else

Where is the middle ground?





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Thank You

Thank you for teaching me how to live

Thank you for opening my eyes to a different world

Thank you for getting me to start smelling the roses

Thank you for showing me a different path

Thank you for caring about me

Thank you for being there for me

Thank you for standing up to me

Thank you for loving me





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