Unconsciously

Without conscious knowing, I feel the hole within me.

Pain is in it, but I block it out;

Lonely, so lonely, radiates out of the hole.

Ignoring that feeling instead of exploring it,

letting you touch me to cover that hole;

Feeling your hands under my clothes before they are removed.

Unconsciously, the hole is papered over;

Pain does not seep out; it feels good.

Touching each other skin-to-skin.

Wanting you but do not know why;

Just know I do because feeling happier.

Random thoughts of was one taken this morning or yesterday?

Neither of us has one? That's ok

Do not know and do not care.

Smiling at you; at what we are doing.

The pain pushes to get out.

Pushed back by my happiness,

We get as close as possible,

and I happily accept your gift.

Afterwards, lying next to you, happiness fills me;

but the paper starts to tear and the pain slowly slinks out.

Happiness is slowly disappearing till next time




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Why?

Why cannot I fit in?

Why do I not understand what goes on around me?

Why do you love me for me?

I do love you.

You love me back unconditionally.

I am so unused to that.

You make me feel like I fit in.

You make me understand what goes on around me.

You love me for me.

Still a hole exists in my soul.

Your love covers it.

It keeps me from getting lost in there

Now I just want to go with you:

Walk in the sun together holding hands,

and not worrying about answers to my questions.

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Yes, Dear

That is all you want to hear.

That I agree with you.

While you gulp your latest beer,

and call me by a moo.

Yes, dear.

You, I fear.

Though that I never say-

even in bed -

where I let you have your way.

Yes, dear started out as a joke,

a fun thing

and I even accepted a ring.

However, my spirit broke,

and it became the standard reply,

and in silence I cry.

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My Choice

My choice, it is MY CHOICE!

What you want does not matter now.

You never cared for what I wanted before;

Only for what you wanted.

So now, I have a decision to make.

Make without your input and advice.

And I will choose what is best for me.

FOR ME, not you.

Why does it matter now for you?

When it never did before?

You just wanted your fun without asking me.

You used me, and I am paying the price.

The price for not standing up for myself.

For not walking out without saying good-bye.

I will do fine without you.

Without your input, I will make my choice.



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Warmth

I live in darkness,

yet I see it not.

The darkness is my friend,

yet is lacks compassion.

My friend envelops me,

and I find that comforting.

Me who is alone,

even with my friend.

Alone in the world,

which is full of people

The world beckons warmth,

which I pretend to have.

The warmth is light,

and I see it.

The light makes me happy,

so towards it I go.

Happy I feel,

for a change that feels good.




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Dark Sunshine

Hiding, Hiding, Hiding,

yet not realizing it.

I imagine I am in the sun;

Smiling, smiles of empty joy.

In darkness, I live and smile,

no one can see me smile -

especially me.

But the sun that I created warms me with cold;

Cold in darkness that does not warmly shine.

To me it does as I continue to fool myself;

reality distorts and I am emptily happy.

One door, maybe more, lead out into true sunshine,

and I wait for them to open.

They remain closed for I only wait

and never take the initiative.





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Life and Love

Love is so sweet

Life shines brighter

Birds and bees sound clearer

The sun warms me all over

Your touch excites me

Your smile brightens my day

Your eyes melt into mine

I just cuddle with you

Time passes happily

Life is complete

Nothing more is needed

Nothing more is wanted

Smiles on both sides






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Two Angles

Your two little angels smile as they sit on your shoulders.

They love you and are happy for you.

In your heart, they tell you they love you;

They hear you tell them you love them too

and would do anything to give you a hug for real

instead of being angles on your shoulder

and living in your heart.

 But living in your heart is the only option

left to them and happily they stay there;

Always looking after you and knowing

how much you miss their hugs and kisses.

And they miss yours.

They do not blame you for what happened

for they know you did your best and honestly.

They want you to know they are always with you

and love you now and forever more.

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They

They take our culture

and change it into something it is not.

They do not really understand it

nor try to.

They just twist our culture

into something that it is not.

Confronted about the truth,

they just tell us we are wrong.

We are not wrong;

They are.

We fight a good fight,

but they smile condescendingly.

Feeling they know best

when they do not know anything at all.

In their haughty ignorance, they appropriate our culture,

and reduce it to nothing.

While we keep the true meaning

of our beautiful culture.

A culture that is being shredded

into lies and falsehoods

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That's Fair

He:

He wants me.

That's fair.

He wants to hug me.

That's fair.

He wants to kiss me.

That's fair.

He wants to slip his hands under my clothes.

That's fair.

He wants to take off all my clothes.

That's fair.

He wants to fondle me.

That's fair.

He wants to make love to me.

That's fair.

He wants to go without a condom.

That's fair.

He wants to come in me.

That's fair.

I:

I want him.

That's fair.

I want to hug him.

That's fair.

I want to kiss him.

That's fair.

I want to slip my hands under his clothes.

That's fair.

I want to take off all his clothes.

That's fair.

I want to fondle him.

That's fair.

I want to make love to him.

That's fair.

I want to not use the pill.

That's fair.

I want him to pull out.

That's fair.

I do not want him to come in me.

That's fair.

I do not know what to do.

That's fair. 

Question:

Who controls your body: you or him?

That's fair.

 

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Henry

The picture has been taken with Henry high in the background.

I get up and start walking home remembering Henry, who I had known for years.

His mom had cleaned our house for years, so we knew each other from the time we could remember.

We were horses of different colors, but as kids that did not matter; we were friends.

As we got older, we did not see each other as much for we to our assigned schools.

Years went by, and though we still enjoyed the other's company, we saw each other less and less.

Henry did not come by as much, and I never made the effort to see him.

I wanted to see him, but I knew what the others of my kind would say -

and thought of people like Henry, so I kept quiet about our friendship.

One day, I stopped by my mom's around noon, and Henry was there talking to his mom.

Henry and I then caught up on old times, or as much as we could in 4 hours.

Then Henry left with his mom, and after a few more words of love, I left to go home.

Passing by the park, I asked someone passing by what was going on.

He told me that they had caught the man who had defiled John Jones' daughter.

The incident he added had taken place at 1:00 pm this very day and I should come -

come to see justice being done.

So I went and, as I approached, heard a voice, heard only a few hours earlier, saying 'I am innocent'

over and over.

The crowd was riled up wanting justice - their justice - to be done

The victim voiced the truth, but I kept quiet.

Soon the justice was done, and so those of us who were there, turned around and a group picture was

taken that was soon to be made into postcards that were to be mailed all over this country.

The postcard showing in the foreground,the guilty smiling; while in the background, the innocent

swung from a branch in a tree in the woods.

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The Light

The light feels so warm, so comforting.

Too often I have searched for it outside of me.

However, the light always exists inside of me.

It has never gone out.

Just been covered by the darkness that was comforting.

The darkness comforts me with unchanging security.

The light comforts me with hope.  

Hope is comforting because it helps me to change.

Change for the better that continues

Continues to keep the darkness within me away,

and keep the light with me burning bright.

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Daylight Coming

Breaking apart;

Finally, the darkness of fear is breaking apart.

Shattered is my heart;

like Humpty Dumpty it cannot be put together the same.

But it can be put together differently.

How will it though?

The process is difficult.

My heart wants to mend.

Scared of the unknown it has.

The unknown has more blackness.

Nevertheless daylight is at the end of this journey.

My heart will enjoy it and feel lighter.

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