Waiting

I am waiting;

Waiting for information,

so I can move on.

When will it come?

I do not know.

I hope it comes soon,

and not in a few weeks,

or perhaps never.

In the meantime, I wait

and wait and wait.

Nothing else I can do,

so I look around

and do what I can.

while waiting.

Once I have the info,

I can breathe

and feel relaxed.

Until then,

I feel the walls

closed in around me.

.

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My Goal

Striving towards a goal,

but sometimes I feel so run down

that I want to quit.

And sometimes just give up

and be no more.

However, I will not quit

nor give up ever

for one day achieving my goal

is what keeps me going.

.

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Safely Home

I just want you safely home.

To walk off that plan unaided,

To hold me in your arms,

To hold our kids in your arms.

I want to hear your laugh

and see your smile.

To remember why I love you

and married you.

To hear you say, 'I love you."

So please stay safe

for the sake of me and our kids.

I love you.

.

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Dishonor

Why do you dishonor my brother

who is buried in the earth?

He is only in his grave in the ground.

He died by friendly fire,

and his life ended permanently.

He lives on in my heart, and my family's hearts.

However, he lives no where else.

No where else - for there is

no heaven, no hell, and no god.

Do not say he lives in heaven

for that is a lie.

A lie that he would not believe.

A lie that dishonors his memory.

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Abandoned

Why did you abandon me?

I so wanted to see you;

to spend time with you,

and you were not there,

Not anywhere, no where.

I just wanted to be with you,

to have you hug me,

to play with me.

Yet, you were not there for me.

Why? Why abandon me?

I want, I demand an answer.

My questions gets no answer.

You are not here to reply

because you abandon me.

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Was It Worth It?

Hope, my friend, I see you

and appreciate you.

You have stuck by me,

while I wandered in darkness,

doubting myself, and feeling low.

But you stuck by me, and cheered me on

no matter how low I felt.

So I never gave up. Never.

I trudged through the depths of my soul,

and you were always there,

even when I did not see you;

Even when I rejected you;

Even when I did not want you around.

You stuck by me.

And now the question, "Was it worth it?"

has been answered with a simple reply

of I believe in me.

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Moving On

Moving on is not easy

when love is involved.

But I have to move on

and let us fade -

fade into the past.

I am sorry

How us has turned out.

But I am glad

for the time that I -

I had with you.

Thank you for

believing in me.

When I did not

believe in myself.

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Thank You

Are you alive?

Are you not?

I do not know.

I want to know.

But no one knows, but you.

But if you are gone,

you had lived how wanted.

And I am happy you did.

You have taught me a lot,

but that is one lesson

that I will treasure

and keep with me

for the rest of my life.

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The Pain

Water appeared in your eyes.

Never rolling down your cheek,

but it was there.

I saw the pain in your eyes.

The pain that exists in your heart

and always will

Never completely disappearing,

no matter how much time heals you.

But I am here for you - to listen to you,

any time you want to talk of your pain

that wets your eyes.

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Damn! Damn! Damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn!

I did not want to hear it,

even though I would come one day.

So I feel angry and upset,

yet no one is there to be upset at.

You are my friend- a good one -

yet you are dying,

and I feel lost and adrift.

I want to lash out,

but Death feels nothing; it just takes.

Soon it will take you,

you who I care for because you

have helped me through my life's journey.

Hence, I will help you to the end.

I will carry you within me;

however, now, I feel like hitting back,

but only air is there to hit.

And Death will neither care nor not care;

it only comes to do its job.

A job which makes me upset and angry

because I care about you more than I want to admit.

I lack words to express how I feel -

how I feel about life's unfairness and you.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

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Head, but not Heart

I can love with my head,
but not with my heart.
As I grew, I learned to shut down-
-shut down my emotions and build-
-build a box tightly locked
around my heart.
A box to stuff the pain in
without letting it out.

One day while looking at the box
and wishing I could open it up,
I looked up and saw myself
as different people, different genders,
different personalities.

Some of us approach and learn
to blend with each other,
but others stand off.
I approach one, asking them
to blend with us, but they-
-they freeze at first at first,
then they run away.
I chase after them,
and they circle back and jump
into the box where I dare not follow.
I sit by the box and wait for them.

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Dream

Dream the dreams of peace.

Dream so that you wake up refreshed.

Dream about ones you love.

Dream of happiness.

Dream to find your self-love.

Dream on and on and on.

Dream, happy dreams.

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MY First

You were my first.

My first whose eyes, I freely saw love.

My first whose smile I feely melted my resistance.

My first whose heart I freely gave my heart to.

My first whose lips I freely passionately kissed.

My first whose body I freely melded with.

You were my first -

my first-

regretfully.

Sob.

Sob.

Sob.

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NO LAN is an Island

NO LAN is an island;

Every LAN is a piece of the network,

a part of the whole;

If any hardware fails to work,

the network is the less;

any hardware's death busies me,

because I am involved with the network.

(With apologies to John Donne)

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Heartache

But the heartache never totally goes away.

Her body is gone,

but she lives in your heart,

Life for you goes on.

For her, it stopped, suddenly and tragically.

And you were left with pain and sadness.

She was buried

and you were had only memories of her

instead of her caring arms.

Instead you are left with life without her,

and a heartache that never goes away.

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Blackness Again

I am falling into the depths.

The depths that I face blindly.

For blindly is how I handle the fall.

The fall into the blackness of my mind.

My mind that at times sees black and only black.

But the black is a choice.

A choice I make.

A choice to unmake too at the crossroads.

At the crossroads of my soul, I move.

Move on into the light and leave the blackness behind.

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I promise

I promise to stay with you no matter how tired you are.

I promise to hold you while you weep

I promise your secrets to keep.

I promise to be here for you if you want

I promise you are no too deep for me.

I promise I will help you find a way out

I promise I will help you find the path again.

But will you promise me what I have promised you?

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Tell Them

Tell them how you feel.

Tell them that you love them.

Tell them that you want to be with them.

Tell them that you want to live with them.

Tell them of your dreams with them.

Tell them your fears.

Tell them of your nervousness.

Tell them how you feel,

and find out,

find out how they feel.

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