Feeling Lost

Feeling lost on life's path.

Light is still there because you are there.

There to help me to guide me.

To show me the path that I do not know.

You allow me to find my own path,

and making sure the light is on.

So much better than blackness and fog.

I smile and you smile back.

I am still feeling lost on life's path,

but you will always support me.

Still lost but hopeful. Smile.

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Standing Up

You cannot do x.

I have done it for years and like it.

Feeling bad; wondering what I have done wrong.

Inside me the anger festers.

Breathing deep, my anger calms down with time.

Finding someone who I thought I wronged, I talk to her.

She tells me you did nothing wrong.

The president is there, and tells me to continue helping.

Standing up for myself, talking in a calm voice, helped me.

Made me feel happy with myself.

Second time in a week.

First time, elsewhere, I was asked about a friend who I love.

She has medical issued, and he asked me why go with this loser?

I answered in firm voice that she is great.

He shut up.

Smiling for standing up for myself.

Standing up for me has been the right decision.

For if I do not stand up for myself, who will?

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Who Should Stew?

You make me out to be the bad guy,

and you are totally innocent.

I need to learn to laugh when you do that.

Show you that you have not gotten to me.

That would be much better than me letting me stew.

Stewing is a habit that I need to break.

Change is not so easy.

But it is better to let you stew instead of me. 

I want to be free of you.

To not carry you at all.

Just let you stew and for me,

for me to walk away happy.

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My Friends

Alone in the box

Safe, secure, comfortable.

It is nice, albeit dark and lonely.

The darkness is my friend;

the loneliness is my friend too.

They make me feel safe and secure.

I am alone in  the box.

Protected from the outside world.

My friends guard me.

They guard and protect me at a cost that is ignored.




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Smack, Smack, Smack

"Why did you do that?"

"because I was asked to."

Smack, Smack, Smack

"Why did you agree to that?"

"because I have trouble saying no."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Should you have done that?"

"No, I should not have."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Then why do that?"

"How do you say no?"

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Why cannot you say no?"

"I want people to like me."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Do you think I like you now?"

"No, you are mad at me."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Do you think you can stay in your own area?"

"Yes, I can."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Really, I hope you learn to do it."

"I can do it!"

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"How soon will we have this conversation again?"

"Never again."

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Sure, sure."

"Sure, sure."

Smack, Smack, Smack.





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take care of you.

'Let me take care of you.'

I am not used to that -
to someone taking care of me.

'You deserve someone to take care of you.'

I do? It feel so strange.

'I like to do take care of you.'

Why? How can I know you will stay with me?

'Because I love you.'

Really? Hard for me to believe.

'Let me hug you.'

Thank you, love.



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Wanting...

I want ....

Do I want .....?

You will be here soon.

I am happy and nervous.

You who will round me out and listen to me.

I will round you out and listen to you.

It will not be easy, but we will listen to each other.

We will give hugs and share love.

Silence will be golden between us.

Love will be here too.

Do we want ...?

We want ....





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Let Go

Why could you not help me?

Instead you put me down;

you belittled me.

And I stuffed it all inside.

I stuffed my anger,

and blamed myself instead of you.

I felt I was back in school being bullied.

Blackness surrounds me,

and only now am I realizing it.

By realizing my anger, I see options.

Options lessen the darkness,

and make me feel in control.

Maybe it is too late,

and some options will be closed to me;

however, other options exist now,

or will open up.

I just need to see the light,

let go of the anger,

and remember I am ok.





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I Wonder No More

At last, I know.

I know at last.

And that is all I wanted.

To stop wondering,

to stop guessing,

to quiet my mind.

I am normal,

but for me,

normal is not like

it is for others.

And that is OK.

I am OK, OK, OK.

Breathe deep, relax.

It is ok;

I am ok.

Not a freak,

not a curiosity.

I am happy

to know and

have a diagonsis,

instead of wondering.

I wonder no more.

I know.




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The Spring

The spring has been coiled a long, long time.

Then unexpecctedly, it starts to uncoil;

I, hopelessly, try to wind it back.

It unwinds more.

Then they hit;

frustrated, scared, and fearful, I am.

And slowly, I realize the fight is useless.

The spring will unwind no matter how much I resist.

I take a deep breath, and shed a few tears for things will not be the same.

Coiled the spring seemed normal because it had been that way:

That way for years and years.

But now it is time to let uncoil.

Let it uncoil to its natural state.

Let it uncoil all the way.

Breath deep, relax as it uncoils.

And look at the beauty of the uncoiled spring.




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The Compliment

He gave me a compliment that made me feel good.

I have been struggling, and he cares about me.

Sometimes I feel so alone, so lonely.

My body feels so cold in the fog

Look up and see clouds with the sun hiding.

But now, I see the sun and feel it shining brightly.

The warmth of his words have warmed my body.

I see bright days ahead with no clouds.

The memory of his words keeps me going.

they will keep me going through dark days as well as bright days.




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I Saw Him

I saw him last night

he was lying down next to me,

looking at me with sunglasses on

I was happy, so happy.

He is gone, but he was there.

And he told me something.

That soon I would feel the same.

What does that mean?

Is it a foretelling of my death

or just that I will find some peace?

I do not know.

What I do know is I miss him,

and wish he was still here.

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To Be or not to Be a Prisoner

To be or not to be a prisoner

that is the question that I ask of me.

I love him, but his jealousy

It makes me wonder do I love thee?

What awaits in the future?

How isolated should the prison be?

Should it be just me awaiting him?

Or should I include others for me to see?

Should the door be shut tight?

And I cannot flee.

Or should it be shut light?

And I can go out full of glee.

Love is strange.

It is a we.

So why am I a prisoner,

and he is free.




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Twice

Hardly know you, but I feel shook up.

Twice you have tried and luckily failed.

You have held the cup -

the cup of life and dropped it to shatter,

but it was not to be, so you were bailed.

Now my senses scatter,

as I breathe a sigh of relief,

instead of drowing in grief.

Will you try again?

Will I see you again?

I would like to

and I hope you would too.

I wish you the best.

I hope you do well.

In this life you find some rest,

and walk out of your cell.

To a path that is bright

with your own light.




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Blind Spots

You pretended to care about me.

You had me believe you cared about me.

You pretended to believe what we did was right.

You had me believe it was right.

You told me it was right.

You made me feel guilty, when I protested

You knew my blind spots and wormed your way into me through them.

You were a spider to my fly.

You pushed me to go further than I wanted to.

You manipulated me into doing what I did not want to do.

You told me what we did was right when it was not.

You had me believe it was the right thing to do, when it was not.

You cared only about yourself, never me.

You would have cared about me, if you had left me alone.

You instead left me with a hole that has turned into a scar.

You left me with a scar that still bleeds from time to time.

You left me with doubt about myself.

You left me with a pain that has never entirely eased.

You, who I still carry at times, still laugh at me.

You still mock me in my head for me believing you love me.

You, will I ever be free of you?





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Change Paths

Paths are not so easy to change,

but change often brings success.

Life is funny that way;

the same used paths are security.

Knowing what will happen is good;

however, it often leads to ruts.

So change is needed;

change that is scary.

Face your fears,

and embrace them.

Change will come on a new path,

and success will be the reward.

That's what is believed;

nevertheless, failure may result.

When that happens,

change paths again.

Find the one that brings success,

and a more fulfilling life.

That happens, not due to luck,

but due to embracing a different path.






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